Thanks to everyone who decided not to steal our stuff while we were away. Of course, now half of you are thinking, "D'oh! We could have stolen his stuff!" Well - probably, although you would have ran into our high tech security system, which (in case you want to steal our stuff next time) involves:

1. Locking all of the doors,
2. Leaving all of the lights on for the entire trip, particularly the light in Connor's closet which is never, EVER off unless it has burned out from being on 24/7,
3. The giant swinging guillotine-like blades on the other side of every door and window,
4. Our cat.

So don't get any ideas next time I publicly advertise I'll be out of town. Who knows, I may do so again in the near future and hide in the bushes, just to see what happens.

The only reason I'm writing this after being on the road for 11 hours is that the likelihood that I'll do any sort of post "vacation" wrap-up diminishes rapidly after said "vacation" is concluded. (Remember to make those little quote marks with your fingers while reading this aloud to friends, family, pets and your dentist.) In fact, the likelihood diminishes to exactly zero after about 12 hours. So as public service I'm typing away even though my brain fell out of my head somewhere around Winchester and my right foot is still trying to brake and accelerate. Incidentally, if anyone driving along 81 sees my brain hitchhiking do NOT give it a ride. It will probably be surly and keep yelling, to no one in particular, "NO we are NOT THERE YET!"

First, the recap: We decided to take a "vacation" and drive to Richmond, Virginia, to see Alert Reader Tammy's parents, a.k.a. "the Grand Parents", for four days - we left State College Thursday, July 13 and left Richmond Sunday, July 16. I suppose I should explain that I put vacation in quotes because really the only true vacation is going to Disney World where they wait on you hand and foot, albeit for huge sums of money. Anything less is really a different form of work, not a vacation, although even driving to Disney World with the promise of being waited on hand and foot is work until around the Florida State Line at which point your brain has melted and your fists are glued to the steering wheel and you're just muttering over and over "I WILL get to the happy place I WILL get to the happy place I WILL..."

The drive down was uneventful. Okay, I made that up. On the way down we stopped at the Winchester-Frederick County tourism hut to get some brochures, because we had no idea what we were going to do in Virginia. Well, we had a good idea what we were going to do in Richmond, but we thought there might (MIGHT) be an opportunity for some spontaneity on Sunday which would help me out in my course so we thought we would make some spontaneity plans. Of course, as soon as I saw the brochures I seized up and was overcome with Brochure Madness and took about 40. The amount of time needed to do everything that I had a brochure for was just under three complete lifetimes.

As if experiencing Brochure Madness wasn't enough, outside the tourism hut was a giant pineapple! I made the kids get in front of it for a picture, and this is the sort of cooperation I get from my son:

He wanted me to tell you that "the sun was in his eyes" but yes, you guessed it, he was mortified that his Dad made him stand next to a giant pineapple. And speaking of giant pineapples, I took this photo of the plaque:

The left side is what the plaque actually looked like; the right side is my "enhancement" so that you can read it. I guess it washed out over time. So. Not only was this a giant pineapple - it was the welcome pineapple! How cool is that? (Pause for oohs and aahs.) I did a quick web search, and apparently this giant welcoming pineapple was one of a series.

We arrived in Richmond safe and sound and spent some time catching up with the Grand Parents. We ended up retiring early at 10. I slept like a rock from 10 p.m. to 10 a.m. I haven't slept 12 hours in ages, outside of being sick/near death/watching the Pride and Prejudice Marathon with Alert Reader Tammy. (Okay, I made that up; I can only watch P&P in three minute segments.)

The next day (which was Friday, for those who are lost already) was spent in downtown Richmond at the Museum of the Confederacy, alternately known as the "Museum In Richmond You'll Never Find by Yourself" and the "Museum of the Side that Didn't Do Quite as Well as those Damned Yankees." Before I launch into a completely inadequate description of the MotC, and other historical sites, I should confess up front that I am not a historical type person. I like history, it's very nice and I'd be happy to buy it a cappuccino if I ran into it in a Barnes & Noble, but I wouldn't say we're really great friends. (For example, I wouldn't buy history a giant chocolate chip cookie with the cappuccino, nor would I let history borrow my B&N discount card.) I like archaeology, and old stuff that people dig up, but once it's cleaned up and put behind glass...I dunno. So I was a little outside of my comfort zone with the museum thing. But I went in with an open mind.

The museum was actually very interesting. It consisted of three floors and a tour of the nearby "White House of the Confederacy." (More on that in a minute.) Most of the exhibits were artifacts from the period. These fell loosely into three categories: Flags, Things to Kill People With, and Other Stuff. The photo above is one of the items from the "Flags" category. You can find a super-large-high-res-my-webhost-will-hate-me version here. A lot of the exhibits still appealed to the wanna be archaeologist in me (although I suppose many of these items were not "dug up" in that sense.)

This item was from the "Other Stuff" category. Okay I made that up, this came from the "Things to Kill People With" category. There were a lot of those sorts of things.

After looking at a lot of Things to Kill People With we went on a guided tour of the "White House of the Confederacy." (I know, your fingers are getting tired but please, keep making those quote marks. It really does make a difference.) What's the "White House of the Confederacy"? Great question! I would show you, being a visual person, but I was not allowed to take any pictures. At the beginning of the tour the Tour Master looked at me square in the eye and said, "No pictures of the White House of the Confederacy!" He even drew his sword as if to drive home the point.

Ah, you know what I mean.

So I don't have any pictures. But, "White House of the Confederacy" is a "meticulously restored neoclassical masterpiece that, in terms of quality, historical associations and authenticity, probably is second only to Mount Vernon among restorations of historic American dwellings." (At least, according to the Washington Post.) It was the home of President Jefferson Davis and his family during the war, as well as the military and political heart of the Confederacy. As far as meticulously restored neoclassical masterpieces go, the WHotC was top notch. I learned a number of things I hadn't known. For example, did you know that the Confederacy had a President? I didn't know that. I thought he was a Duke or Earl or something. We learned a great deal about his family, the history of the house, and about the artifacts that currently reside there. The only unfortunate thing was this clown who was juggling flaming batons in the reading room. I really wanted to take a picture of the conflagration but my camera had been confiscated by a sword-weilding Tour Master.

That was Friday. Saturday we spent traveling to Jamestown, and from there Yorktown.

Jamestown was almost exactly like Disney World except that it was even hotter and more humid. And it was smaller, and dustier, and we never once saw animals in costume. And it wasn't about magical fantasy worlds but more like Virginia in 1607. But other than that it was very similar.

Although I never checked, the AccuWeather.com RealFeel Temperature during our tour of Jamestown was probably... 491. I know I joke about the South being sticky, but the humidity Saturday was "swamp-like." (Keep working those quote fingers, everyone's counting on you.) Jamestown consisted of indoor exhibits, a 15 minute film on Jamestown (the 1607 settlement, not the place we were at - try to keep up) and a re-creation of what life was like back in 1607.

I would have taken some photos of the indoor exhibits at Jamestown, but photographs were prohibited. It was funny, too, because one of the last exhibits was a Virginia quarter (you know, the "State Quarter" series - you probably have one in your pocket right now) and I thought "Man this is a blog post waiting to happen" and would have taken a picture if I didn't think some irate Tour Master would have run me through with a saber had I tried. The history here was a bit more compelling, if only because it was older history. In fact, the settlement is coming up on its 400th anniversary in 2007, and many exhibits were gone as part of the big Fiesta they're planning. (This was unfortunate timing, and nothing I would hold against them.) I would have taken pictures of the missing artifacts, had I not been concerned that an insane Tour Master would have gutted me with his cutlass just then.

The film was interesting; the settlers went through some very difficult times what with the famine, indians and lack of plumbing. The film set up the rest of the experience well - as we toured the indian huts, fort and ships we had a better sense of how they fit into the larger Jamestown picture.

Our tour included re-creations of the Susan Constant, Godspeed and Discovery, the three ships that brought the colonists to Virginia. This was a huge score for two kids who had just seen "Pirates of the Caribbean" a week ago and thoroughly enjoyed it. I hadn't even considered that until the sails came into view over the trees. It was one of those moments that happen rarely - a chance to connect pop culture and history in a meaningful way. The last time that happened to me I was playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with Twinkie the Kid at that Apple Festival in Denver. But that, as they say, is another story.

After Jamestown we visited Yorktown. Yorktown was the site of a pivotal battle in the Revolutionary War that culminated in the surrender of the British to American and French forces under George Washington. So here we were fast-forwarding from around 1607 to 1781. Yorktown consisted of an indoor exhibition hall, an 18 minute film and an outdoor re-creation of the life and times of that period. I know you will not believe this (and I am NOT making this up) but photography was not permitted indoors. That's too bad, because they had a number of Flags and Things to Kill People With that I wanted to take a picture of but I was scared some crazy Tour Master would disembowel me with his scimitar should I even attempt it.

The exhibits were very interesting, including a series that told the story of salvage operations on some of the sunken ships involved in the Battle of Yorktown. That appealed to the frustrated archaeologist in me, and I thoroughly enjoyed those. The film was also great, and starred James Earl Jones as "General Washington", Adam Sandler as "French Lieutenant #1" and Steven Seagal as "Private Mike", the soldier who has to defeat 40 British soldiers with nothing more than a bugle and a deck of playing cards.

We toured the outdoor area (which you can take pictures of, if you're competent with a camera unlike a blogger I know) and heard a fascinating story told by a fellow who played the part of a field doctor. Most of the story is too gruesome to tell here (this IS a family blog, after all) but he did relate some stories that sounded exactly like my dental tales. In fact, some of these tools below can be found at my dentist's office. Can you identify them?

Here ends Part 1 of "Schaads in Richmond". Part 2, which will probably be published tomorrow if Carl can get out of bed, will include the answers to these startling questions:

And get at least one more limited edition, rare, downloadable Schaadpaper for your computer. How does a family cram all of this into four days? Find out tomorrow!