Alert Reader and Concert Goer Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, found herself at Target today working one of their Employment Application Computer Kiosks. I spent twenty minutes trying to turn that into a witty acronym, but the closest I could come to something semi-intelligent was CAKE and at that point I just gave up. Tammy was applying for a part-time position for the holidays, because everyone knows that the best time to work in retail is during the holidays. I, of course, am a wonderfully empathetic and supportive husband and when approached about the idea said, "You want to do WHAT?"

Okay, I made that up. I mean, the part about what I said not being a wonderfully empathetic and supportive husband. I encouraged her to check it out because I figured it would be a great source of blogging material. Shoppers - a group to which I sadly belong - are already thoroughly brain-damaged. Mix in the stress of the holiday season and you have the makings of great drama, if not outright comedy.

(Full disclaimer: In addition to Target being a great source of blogging material the thought did cross my mind that having an inside plant during the holiday season might make obtaining rare, sold-out LEGO sets actually possible.)

Tammy reports that the Target CAKE was slightly easier than the SATs. It took about as long, though, as I sat in the Target Cafe waiting like any empathetic and supportive husband would. My empathetic and supportive brain was thinking things like, "Do I have time to buy, accessorize and eat a hot dog without being caught, even though dinner is in an hour?" and "Should I go check the LEGO aisle?" and "How long am I reasonably expected to be supportive and empathetic?"

The Target CAKE is a brilliant idea though. They use a computer, essentially, to screen candidates. There were all sorts of interesting, difficult and employee-screening questions. At one point, and I am not making this up, the person operating the CAKE next to Tammy leaned over and asked "What number is November?" Tammy, in the midst of the following question on her own application:

was too distracted to reply properly, and so said "11."

Now, you might be thinking "But, that's right!" Ha! You have a lot to learn about the cold hard work world. This person sitting next to Tammy was applying at the same company as Tammy. (Target - please try to keep up.) Therefore, she was a competitor. And as any male (such as myself) knows, the objective is to crush all competitors. So the appropriate answer in this case was one of the following:

1. "6"
2. "14"
3. "Pi"

In all seriousness, you have to wonder about a question like that. This person was somewhere between 17-21, we estimate, and by then you should probably be able to convert months into numbers. At another point, this person also asked about references. "Is that me?" Tammy, again entirely too helpful, replied that references were "friends." The appropriate, competition-crushing answer would have been one of the following:

1. "6"
2. "Yes."
3. "Just put down 'No drug test please.'"

After the CAKE episode Tammy was actually ushered into a small employee-culling room for a mini-interview. She was asked all sorts of interview questions like "Why do you want to work here instead of Wal-Mart?" and "If you find a cart full of bags with "Target Money, Large Bills" written on the side what would you do?" which she handled beautifully. I say that because I know her, not because I butted into the interview or anything. That's usually bad form, when the husband just crashes the interview. I was busy being supportive, empathetic and hungry in the cafe, watching weenies roll over and over endlessly in the little weenie-roasting machine.

After the mini-interview Tammy met me in the cafe, where I was busy stuffing an accessorized hot dog into my mouth and trying to look nonchalant. It turns out that not only did the mini-interview go beautifully but she earned a trip to round two for the maxi-interview and then the complementary drug test after that. She's still not sure about taking a job, should they offer one, but for now I'm just paying her for the material.

I've also coached her on how to "help" people applying to the same job as she, in case that should ever come up again.