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« November 2006 |
Main
| January 2007 »
 As some of you might remember the Schaads have a tradition of getting rid of their Christmas Tree before January 1. In fact, here is a flashback:
January 1, 2006
I discovered something about our own Holiday Traditions that I never knew. Actually, I was probably completely debriefed one year and have totally forgotten it. Or, I wasn't paying attention. Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh, traditions. Well my wife explained to me that the Christmas Tree had to come down by midnight on New Year's eve. I didn't know this. I don't know if I had just managed to get it out of the house before then and it never came up or what.
So tonight, at 10:34 pm, I suddenly remembered the tree. It looked lonely, sitting in the darkened living room, completely bare of lights or decorations. Its needles were still on the boughs, delicately balanced, waiting to drop en masse at the slightest jarring or barest breeze. We sized each other up. I could feel the tension between us. I, the victor, chopper of the douglas fir. And it, the fir, hoping for one last act of defiance. We stood like that for what seemed like hours. Then I lunged. In a blur of plastic I grabbed the giant tree bag we had laid at the base of the tree and in one quick move had the entire beast bagged up. It shook with rage, and the bottom of the bag swelled with thousands of needles. But it was too late; I had won. And the fir knew it. I'm happy to report that this year I was a huge Tree Hero. I obtained the nasty beast (a genuine Scandinavian Emerald Fir), I set it up, put lights on it, decorated it, undecorated it, took the lights off, and dragged its sorry carcass out to the back yard, where it now sits in the same grass-less patch as its predecessor. I was the Tree Hero this year partly because Alert Cashier Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, was clever and wily enough to get a job during the weekends when one would normally bag, stuff and mount a Scandinavian Emerald Fir. The other part of being a Tree Hero was selfless loving Carl, but that was probably the much smaller part. (This part is usually kicked in the behind and given a wedgie by grumpy headache-y Carl.)
All of this trauma with the Scandinavian Emerald Fir this year (hereafter SEF, as my hands are cramping again) made me think of my childhood. Yes, that's the ominous music you hear cueing. It happened when I was trying to get the tree out of the house.
When it came time to get rid of the tree, I realized that no one has ever taught me how to get rid of a tree. It seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? I mean, how to get rid of a tree. The tree is in the house - the tree needs to be out of the house - just take the tree out. But there's a way to do just about everything. Several tree disposal methods came to mind while I was brainstorming after having removed the ornaments and lights:
1. Fire. This seemed to be the most enjoyable method. But even I knew that setting your tree on fire while it's still inside of the house will just make your spouse mad.
2. Saw. I thought about sawing off the top half of the tree and then removing them in two separate pieces. This would require sawing, which is about as rewarding and as much fun as removing wallpaper, or paint, or tartar, or...well, you get the idea. But taking out two smaller, half-trees would be easier than one big fat tree. But then I remembered the needle dilemma.
3. Dragging. Next I thought I could just kick the tree over and drag it out of the house. This would have the benefit of sending a message to other trees that would be watching - no tree likes to see that sort of thing. But again, even though the tree was 15 feet from the front door there wouldn't be a single needle left on its bitter boughs after that sort of rough-housing.
4. Carry it. Ultimately, this is what I decided. But how do you carry a tree? This is where my total Lack of Training entered. I decided that I would reach into the boughs, grab the trunk, lift it straight up, and walk like that out of the house - tree in front of me at arm's length.
This might have sounded like a good plan, but something you need to know about SEFs - once they're cut, their sap slowly turns into lead. By the time the New Year rolls around, your SEF can weigh up to 2000 pounds. (907 kg for you folks in Scandinavia.) And so, here I sit blogging away with a painful back. And wondering, where does a person learn these sorts of things? Wikipedia, I guess. Once upon a time I think it fell upon the Fathers to teach their Sons these sorts of things. I guess I'll have to come up with a good plan to pass on to Connor. Okay, I've got one.
"Connor, we're going to Lowes. They're having a sale on Artificial Trees."
 Several people asked via comment and email for the Schaad Christmas Letter, which is really nothing spectacular. I would feel better about charging $29.95 a copy if something even mildly interesting would have happened in 2006. As it is, aside from that ugly episode at the grocery store involving the pickles nothing noteworthy occurred. (Note to self: make sure I can allude to the ugly pickle episode before posting this.)
In any event, the Schaad Christmas Letter (hereafter known only as "SCL" because my fingers are starting to cramp) appears below via a link. For now, this will be the only link to the SCL (see! paying off already) and so it will eventually disappear into obscurity, although the entire contents will, by then, be scanned by Google and splayed all over the Internet for ever and ever.
Comments about the SCL (woo hoo! that's two!) can be left here, although the author reserves the right to only publish the most flattering ones on the blog. (As well as comments about lorazepam, viagra, Xbox 360 or great refi deals. Because the author knows it's only a matter of time before he slips up and publishes those instead of deleting them.)
PDF link of the SCL (I can feel my fingers "uncramping" already!)
Or, bitter about the weather? Snow lovers in State College, Pennsylvania - or most anywhere in Pennsylvania - are crying "foul" and whining a great deal about the lack of snow. What? Okay I made that up. That's mostly me you hear whining and crying. Jesse has a link to this following NWS thingy that says:
...2006 LIKELY TO SET A RECORD FOR LEAST SNOWY CALENDAR YEAR...
AS YET ANOTHER ROCKY MOUNTAIN BLIZZARD UNFOLDS...WE HERE IN THE
EAST WONDER WHERE ALL THE SNOW HAS GONE. THUS FAR IN 2006
HARRISBURG HAS SEEN JUST 5.7 INCHES OF SNOW. UNLESS IT SNOWS IN
THE NEXT TWO DAYS...AND THAT SEEMS HIGHLY UNLIKELY...THIS WILL SET
A RECORD FOR THE LEAST SNOWY CALENDAR YEAR ON RECORD. THE OLD
RECORD WAS 7.1 INCHES BACK IN 1998. Sorry to yell like that, but the NWS loves to put things in all caps. I would de-cap the whole thing but that would give me a headache. Plus, if they're into yelling far be it from me to change the tone of things.
Henry, to his credit, tried to get us a good snow storm on Christmas. He recently posted a mea culpa about the storm here that said, in part:
I was shocked, as most of you were that the storm never really produced any snow, nor was there any changeover. Yep, I will be the fist to say that I crashed and burned big time on this storm. While I got the storm and the pattern right, there was just no cold air at the lowest levels to any significant snow.
You can send him an encouraging note via his blog at AccuWeather.com. Tell him to get rid of the snow blower once and for all.
There is one State College resident thrilled with the weather: Alert Cashier Tammy, who despite getting a job at Target® in the winter has yet to drive in snow flurries, let alone a good snow storm.
This thought occurred to me today, probably because I've spent part of my vacation watching the entire season of "Heroes" which was recommended to me by several co-workers (or, if you prefer, coworkers) and since I write a blog called "Blog Hero" I suppose I have an obligation to check that sort of thing out. In any event, it was great and I'll have a full review later. But this thought occurred to me today:
If humans ever do manage to figure out Time Travel, we would already know.
So see if you can follow me. Let's say that sometime in the future, like 2459 (I'm being optimistic about our chances here, obviously) someone makes a time machine. It goes without saying that their first thought would be to go back in time and steal really cool stuff. (See "Time Bandits") Well, since we still have really cool stuff, and it wasn't stolen (like Little LEGO people) we can assume that no one ever invents a time machine, because if they did they would have ALREADY gone back in time to steal cool stuff, and that would be in the past, which has already happened, except that it didn't happen, so it never will.
That thought occurred to me today, which put a damper on my day since I think time travel would be really cool. For example, if I had a time machine I could go back in time and knock out the sales person who would sell Henry his snow blower and instead I (now cleverly disguised as the sales person) would convince Henry that it was a bad idea to spend the money on a snow blower and that he instead should by the Mrs. Henry a nice necklace. Something in gold, with lots of little snow flakes made of diamonds or something. Barring that, I would just knock Henry out and sell his snow blower to someone else.
Disclaimer: If you're reading this and you're from the future I'm really very sorry about that whole "stealing cool stuff" thing and didn't mean it personally. But please email me because there are some things I really need to do over in high school and I'm sure we could reach some sort of agreement. I have lot of little LEGO people. Thank you.
He was found dead, unfortunately. Fossils were recently discovered in Spain that researchers believe belong to one of the largest dinosaurs - and the largest found in Europe so far - ever. Turiasaurus riodevensis would have been 30 to 37 metres long, and would have weighed between 40 and 48 tonnes. Or, in Bizarre American Units that would be 120 feet long and 105,821.886 pounds (give or take.)
Based on the fossils uncovered, as well as some detailed photographs found in his wallet, researchers were able to work with forensic artists to create the following picture of the great beast:
You'll see that the Death Star has been inserted next to the dinosaur to give you an idea of its size. It should be noted that no actual Death Star has (yet) been found in Spain.
You can read all of the real news here at the BBC.
A number of Alert Readers have sent me links on Christmas light displays which I'm sorting through. I wanted to apologize for the delay on that - it's been an unusually busy Christmas season this year. And speaking of which, does it seem like there are people EVERYWHERE this year? I can't go to a single store without the parking lot being filled all the way to New Jersey. And trust me, it's a long walk from the front of the store to New Jersey, even IF the weather is unusually hospitable this year.
Hopefully I'll get through my email this weekend, although Alert Cashier Tammy is working Saturday and Sunday ('til close!) and I'll be preparing for visiting family...
AccuWeather.com is tracking a possible eastern snow storm for Christmas Day/Tuesday. I seem to be suspiciously near the rain/rock line:
Further bulletins as events warrant. Check out Hypemaster M (as in Margusity) as he follows the storm.
Way back in 1994 Alert Christmas Letter Writer Tammy asked me if I would type up a Christmas Letter that we could sent to all of our family and friends. Without realizing what I was doing I agreed, thinking "How hard could THAT be?" Well, here we are in 2006, a dozen years later, and I'm still writing the Christmas Letter. At first the letter was quite boring; a recitation of the year's events whose sole purpose was to bring everyone up-to-date. But then it took on a life of its own, and became this long-winded, bizarre, why-doesn't-he-just-get-a-blog sort of letter. Now people pass the letter around to their friends and family, and more people than necessary know the inner workings of the Schaad clan.
I thought about posting a PDF version of the letter here. I'm not sure there would be any interest, and I think everything covered in the letter was blogged about at one point or another. (Well, almost everything.) If you'd like your copy, drop me a note or a comment. I take MC, VISA and Paypal...
In any event, just in case I forget or get too busy fighting off shopping Ninjas in my last minute dash to wrap up the Christmas Gift procurement - a very Merry Christmas to all, and a joy-filled and prosperous New Year!
In Idaho...
Sigh.
Some excerpts:
7. Awkward pet walking sessions around the neighborhood
4. "Has anyone seen 'Fluffy?' "
1. Getting choked to death and dragged into its cage.
So in review a quick question which may or may not appear on the final: Do Boa Constrictors make good pets?
For Texas. According to AccuWeather.com's Joe Bastardi. I think my head will explode. (No offense to the Alert Texans in the audience.) Sigh.
Jaimen Ortiz's quick thinking and action is credited with saving a two-year-old girl from serious harm, and possibly death, when he caught her as she fell from a two story window. A great story, and not the first time Ortiz has been a hero...
More from the Washington Post
Alert Reader Carol may have another shot tonight. This from Space.com:
"We're looking for very strong, severe geomagnetic storming" to begin probably around mid-day Thursday, Joe Kunches, Lead Forecaster at the NOAA Space Environment Center, told SPACE.com this afternoon.
You can find the article here. Current AccuWeather.com Satellite here, to give you an idea of your shot at a clear sky. Good luck everyone!
Both are on the immediate schedule - check out SpaceWeather.com and good luck spotting an aurora. I've seen it once and it's absolutely unreal.
From AccuWeather.com:
State College, PA - Thursday December 14
High: 55 °F Fog in the morning; otherwise, periods of sun with the temperature near the record of 57 set in 2001
 My AccuWeather Nemesis, Henry, has a new video experiment underway. The really disturbing part is that he's using an iSight camera hooked to his laptop, so he's actually filming at his desk, which is right next to my desk. In fact, you can see me walk across the background during his first video today. I then sit down at my desk, which is directly behind the camera, and you can see his reaction. If he thought it was hard keeping a straight face today, wait until I get to the store for various props with which to torture him. The iSight mic also picks up a lot of ambient sound, such as my Macintosh booting up.
Some of you know my intense dislike of being captured on film - particularly video - similar to Bigfoot, Elvis and most aliens. (All of whom, incidentally, are quite skilled at avoiding the camera except maybe Elvis who has been picked up on one too many convenience store security cameras as far as I'm concerned.) So having live filming right at my desk is uncomfortable enough. You can only imagine what it's like having Henry doing the filming.
And speaking of Henry, I received a snowblower update the other day. The snowblower was having technical difficulties, and for a moment my heart soared. But then Henry explained that he had it fixed. So it seems like winter is dead. In fact, State College may hit a record high temperature tomorrow. If you watch his video, you'll doubt hear me yelling from time to time, "What about the SNOWBLOWER Henry?!" I'll probably yell that at the end of the video, so he'll be less inclined to re-shoot.
 A coworker (or, if you prefer, a co-worker) noticed my LEGO® army building at work today (in preparation for my attack on Henry, naturally) and asked if I had seen the LEGO® Bible. Being well-versed (no pun intended) in all things LEGO I said "Of course!" Okay, I made that up - I have never heard of this site where someone is reinacting the Bible out of LEGOs. I've only looked through a little of it, but it seems quite amazing. (Disclaimer: Before you sit the kids down and start clicking willy-nilly* it would probably be prudent to check it all out first.)
*The author wishes to apologize for the use of "willy-nilly" and assure the audience that it won't happen again, and if he had even two conscious brain cells to rub together he probably could have come up with something a little more creative. Thank you.
I'm not sure why - and I work at a weather company - but apparently people are already releasing predictions for the 2007 Hurricane Season. It seems a little early to me, but I'm not an actual meteorologist (I just play one when I ghost write Henry's blog.)
Two predictions are out so far: Tropical Storm Risk, a U.K.-based group of insurers and forecasters are calling for 16 named storms, nine hurricanes including four "intense hurricanes." Dr. Gray's team from Colorado State University is calling for 14 named storms, seven hurricanes including three "Category 3 storms" or better. Both predictions are for "busier than normal" seasons.
I confess that I've been toying with the idea of going to Orlando next year. It will take that long for my money-printing device to be finished. It's possible these forecasters have gotten wind of this (so to speak) and have had their hands forced with regard to hurricane predictions. I'm not sure where the leak came from; anytime I visit Florida I'm required to call into the Governor's office so that they can make the appropriate contingency plans. When I last spoke to Jeb, he asked if I would consider coming in December, when even my presence is unlikely to attract a Category 5 storm. I said I would consider it if they mailed me some fresh O.J.
(I'm still waiting for the O.J.)
No sooner do I let people know that they can buy real estate on the moon than NASA announces plans to construct an outpost at one the moon's poles. Furthermore, they've apparently rendered null and void any previous sales of Moon Real Estate. All to cover-up the well-known comings and goings of aliens who use laser beams from space to steer hurricanes.
Today's IGAR graphic, courtesy AccuWeather.com:
Just a quick note, I saw this article and was wondering what people thought about involving the police. Will this teach the lad an important lesson, or should the parents (parent?) be taking responsibility for the parenting and not involving the police? Drop me a comment or a note - and if you don't see the comment appear on the blog let me know. I have been hammered with the blog spam in the last few weeks. (I guess it's picked up because of the shopping season; I've never seen anything like it.)
My brain is apparently stuck in the "on" position and I'm going to be hurting today. A Severe Non Sequitur Watch is in effect for the entire day. I spent a little time recently playing a video game for the PS2. I hope the developers of the PS3 remember the PS2, since I have neither the money nor the courage to face the violent masses in line to get a PS3. Anyway in this game I have that will remain nameless you go on various quests, all heroic-like, but I got stuck on this one particular part. I had to defeat a giant turtle, but I kept dying. How embarrassing is that? I had to answer all sorts of uncomfortable questions from my geek friends about how I was doing, what part was I on, and under my breath I had to say "IGotKilledByTheGiantTurtle." It would probably be one thing if a Ginormous Black and Green Dragon breathed fire on me, melted my armor and then ate me like a shelled peanut but no, I was stepped on by a turtle. Ah, well.
Just let the record show that I did, in the end, defeat the turtle and I'm now trapped in another area by a large pudding.
As Alert Reader Mark mentioned in his comment, State College is actually under the gun for some severe weather - maybe even a tornado or two. Just to explain how weird it gets at a weather company in this sort of situation, I asked Henry is we were going to get a tornado and, without missing a beat, he replied "I hope so!" Of course, that doesn't help me prepare a whole lot. Alert Garbage Chaser Tammy is on duty at home watching our uncollected trash for any signs of movement.
Here's a quick snap of the AccuWeather.com radar from 12:25pm today:
The arrow show the movement of the storms, and the little boxes are 15 minute intervals. The letters/numbers are storm cell identifiers, and I'm at the star. We might see some fireworks in an hour or two. If Henry gets really excited I'll probably just head down to the basement.
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