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« January 2007 |
Main
| March 2007 »
First of all, I should report that we're on the mend. The Schaads have been fighting some (rather bizarre) illnesses but most of them have passed. I'm still suffering from a bout of bruxism, but it's not as bad as it sounds and my medical team assures me that they won't have to amputate. Probably.
 Ready...Aim... This post (and the title) are dedicated to Alert Soon to be Former Cashier Tammy, who gave her two week notice today at Target as the holiday shopping crush is over and there's just no challenge anymore. Well, there was briefly - the Valentine's Day stampede - but that really wasn't much to write about and well it's past. I'm encouraging her to find a job somewhere really bizarre so that I'll have something else to write about. Maybe she should go into Snow Blower/Snow Mobile sales. Or meteorology...
In any event, the title of this post refers to the awful stink that has descended, not unlike some mythological cloud of doom (or Horse Face), on Tammy's Honda CRV. I call it the Honda Stink-RV now because it smells so bad. Apparently, Alert Night Driver Tammy must have hit a skunk, or driven over a recently deceased skunk, or driven right through a huge convention of thousands of raving-mad inebriated skunks, because one night I went out to the garage to go somewhere and the next thing I know I was being awoken the next morning by rough shaking. The kids tell me that I must have passed out from the stink.
At this point I may not have fully communicated how bad I think the car smells. I guess words fail me. I did fulfill my husband-like duties and checked all of the wheel wells for a hiding skunk, either dead or alive. I also checked under the hood by rapping my fist loudly on the hood and saying, in an authoritative voice, "Helloooooooooooo Skunk!" (There was no answer and really by then I was feeling faint again so I had to go back inside.)
I've been told that the mortal enemy of the skunk is the ripe tomato, in the same way that vampires hate garlic. The best I could do today was a can of tomato soup, which I threw on the driver's side door because that's usually where I have to go in. It was then that I noticed it wasn't tomato soup, it was actually Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables. So needless to say I didn't notice any immediate smell improvement, but now I have chunks of potatoes and green beans on the car.
At least the skunk will eat well tonight.
No not that kind stop that. Scientists in Russia took some Californium provided by American scientists and bombarded it with calcium and bad language until it turned into a brand-new element, number 118 (as it had 118 protons in its nucleus.) This would make it an inert gas - the first man-made inert gas in the periodic-table-of-elements sense. Apparently it only lasted a milisecond, before it decayed into element 114, then 112, then it split in half, and then it disappeared entirely due to embarassment.
Apparently element 118 has a sordid past.
You can find the article at LiveScience.
Alert Reader Andrea points out this squid - not giant, gigantic or ginormous - but COLOSSAL. It was caught south of New Zealand, which makes me wonder if it escaped from some filming being done there - like King Kong or Lord of the Rings. I think there was a Colossal Squid in the last part of Return of the King, wasn't there? (Spoilers coming) Yeah, at the end Frodo tries to throw the ring into the fires of Mt. Doom only to be snatched up by a colossal squid. Which I have to tell you is terribly disappointing when you're reading the books as a young boy and you've gotten through all five billion pages only to find out that Frodo is eaten by a squid.
FOX News has the article here. Complete with bloated squid photo (you were warned...)
Actually I don't have blogging stress (well, see below) but wanted to apologize for not posting recently and commenting on Britney Spears or Anna Nicole Smith. I know you've been waiting with bated breath to see what I would say about either topic.
Right now the Schaads are having complicated health issues and that has been taking up some extra time. Not extra time like we get 26 hours a day, but extra time like we now eat less and don't go to the bathroom as much, and making the bed is right out.
I was wondering this morning if I'm also exhibiting stress symptoms but then I thought, what do I have to be stressed about? On the surface, nothing. But then I realized that someone who blogs about the Japanese Mafia, Aliens and Meteorologists is probably under quite a bit of stress because you're only one post away from making one of those groups so furious that they beat you into unconsciousness with an anemometer and then tattoo cold fronts all over your prone body. Or something.
The weather in State College has turned warm, and all of the dirty snow is beginning to sink, not unlike the Wicked Witch of the West, into shorter and shorter piles that look dirtier and dirtier, until you forget about ever loving snow and you just want it to rain really hard for a few hours to clean things up.
 A miner from the Mexican state of Chiapas found what could be the world's oldest frog: a 0.4" frog encased completely in amber, found in deposits that date back 25,000,000 years. National Geographic has the story here.
People are already talking about whether there might be any recoverable DNA from the sample, a la Jurassic Park, that could be used to make a new frog. Personally, I wish there was, and we went ahead and did, only to find out that this frog was a baby frog, and the real frog when fully grown was 50' tall. Because that would be really cool - a 50' tall 25,000,000 year-old frog.
Sigh.
 Blog Hero presents the "Are You a Scientist" Quiz of the (Insert reasonable time period here). Take a look at the picture at right, and then, answer the question below:
After careful studying of the picture at right, you are convinced that the object you see is:
A. Sand
B. Food
A. A rock
B. A sandy-colored rock
C. A fossil
D. A sandy-colored fossil
E. An ancient bludgeoning weapon used to break small walnuts, tenderize meat and settle arguments in the cave
F. Sandy-colored food
G. The bone of an ancient dinosaur who, while living, was colored bright green with red polka dots.
H. A knife.
Well, the scientifically minded among you obviously chose "H. A knife." (I picked "sandy-colored food" proving once again I'm not scientifically-minded. More lunch-minded, I guess.) You can read all about this "knife" here at National Geographic.
Article here. No idea yet how this will affect their weather program, and if we will see a good or bad hurricane season.
*Thanks to Alert Reader Susan who noticed a link problem - an errant mailto: call was stuck in there. My apologies if you accidentally emailed the Japanese Mafia. All I can say is, well, change your name and move to Bolivia. Thank you.
He was in Montana.
Nine people shot in less than seven hours. Two of them died, and one victim is in critical condition. The two who died were high school students. (More here.) Mayor Ray Nagin said the following:
“As I continue to work to address the systemic problems that have plagued our criminal justice system for decades, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of addressing educational and social problems that have plague our community for just as long."
I've often said, to Alert Automotive Passenger Tammy who now knows to just ignore me, that Pennsylvania roads are the worst. I say this with some confidence, having not even been to that many other states. I don't know what it is about Pennsylvania. Everything here is in a constant state of construction. They start working on a road, it takes 14 years, and then they have to start over again. When we came back from the funeral in Ohio recently the roads were fine, and then we hit Pennsylvania and construction began as soon as we crossed the border! It was unreal.
So this story about hundreds of motorists being stranded on I-78 for 24 hours comes as no surprise. Now, I'm a big personal responsibility type of guy, and if you were driving around in the blizzard well then expect that problems can happen. However, from what I've read Pennsylvania did an extremely inept job of keeping roads clear and then shutting down access to roads that were hazardous because they couldn't be cleared.
Here's another article that describes problems starting at 6 p.m. Wednesday, and the first sign of help didn't arrive until 2 a.m. Thursday - 8 hours later.
The Secretary of Transportation Al Beihler had this to say about the response: "We were certainly ready to deal with a storm, whether it was snow or ice. The problem was we couldn't get to the scene because we had trucks and other vehicles blocking our way," Beihler said.
Generally that will happen if you don't close the roads.
This whole story creeps me out as I have (as some of you know) this irrational phobia of being stuck in traffic. I can't imagine being parked on a snowy highway for 24 hours. Ugh.
 Normally I don't discuss this sort of economic news. I mean the news where some company cuts a bunch of jobs. Because, really, that's pretty depressing. But when I read this article I had to comment because chocolate is involved.
My grandmother, who passed away some years ago, lived in Hershey, PA.* We visited from time to time and you could actually smell the chocolate being made. It was all over the town. It's really hard to describe. I remember, as a brain-damaged sugar-crazed youth thinking that it must be wonderful to live in Hershey, PA. Any time you wanted to you could just open your windows and smell chocolate. Sort of like living in Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now as an old stick-in-the-mud adult I think that smelling chocolate would get old after about a week-and-a-half.
The other thing I noticed about the article is that the company is cutting jobs because (or as a result) it is moving production to Mexico. That strikes me as odd; U.S. factories are moving to Mexico, and people from Mexico are crossing into the U.S. to find work.
Maybe they're tired of smelling chocolate too.
The Blog Hero, who employs the high-power law firm of Yurgi, wishes to express in a sincere and legally-appropriate way that today's posting about the Glorious Hershey Company (who owns the rights to aforementioned chocolate kiss man®™), makers of extremely tasty American and Mexican confectionary, is not designed to reflect in any way, positively, negatively or ambidextrously, on the Magnificent Hershey Company and/or its decision to move any part of its Company therein to any other country, be they countries co-joined or countries un-co-joined, or to fire its employees be they sudden, irrevocable dismissals without benefits or gentle persuasions of extreme early retirement. The Blog Hero also wishes to state its empathy towards the masses of potential future citizens swarming from other countries, be they countries co-joined or countries un-co-joined, that swarm in a manner befitting legal guidelines and regulations there of, and forth with, et cetera et cetera.
*Bonus points if you can tell what I linked to here. Sort of a Post-Valentine's Day Special.
There's an interesting article here in Cosmos Magazine describing the current hunt for the Higgs boson, which is sometimes called the "God Particle." I think it's called that because God created it to give Physicists something to hunt for, because when you read anything about the Higgs boson you find out that it's a very small, tiny, more-or-less made up might-not-even-exist particle that (possibly) accounts for matter having mass. It should be noted that the Higgs boson will NOT explain:
1. Why you are here
2. Why Twinkies® explode in a microwave after only 22 seconds*
3. Why Giant Purple Space Potatoes are attacking not attacking China
4. Why I can't order a hamburger without cheese
In any event, the article in Cosmos Magazine explains that Europeans are only months away from turning on the world's most powerful atom smasher. It is apparently the size of Bulgaria.** When they turn this thing on, protons (which are fairly small) will streak around in a circle with energies "of up to 14 trillion electron volts." First, I want to comment that if we can make protons run around in circles with energies of up to 14 trillion electron volts, then what in the world am I doing paying the price I am for gasoline? Second, I want to comment that I really don't understand what 14 trillion means. Is that before or after kajillion?
I think this is a great time for the Blog Hero to get in his culture fix:
What will we get when we turn on the World's Largest Atom Smasher and collide protons with "energies of up to 14 trillion electron volts?" I can't say, really, but I hope I've stocked up on Twinkies that day.
*Blog Hero does not endorse the needless microwaving of Golden-Delicious Twinkies® and Blog Hero wishes to state that no Creme-Filled (Golden-Delicious) Twinkies® were harmed in writing of this post. Except for that one I ate but it had been naughty.
**Okay, not so much.
How cool is this? And I'm not even making it up this time!
"Monster-size, deep-sea squid that use their glowing arms to blind and stun their prey have been filmed in the wild for the first time, scientists say."
National Geographic Link to Monster Glowing Squid that uses their glowing arms to blind and stun their prey article.
It's entirely possible that I briefly posted a whole bunch of junk comments. I certainly hope this was not the case, and if so I hope that no one had to see that. It's bad enough I have to read through them (they're quite profane and it's very discouraging, really) so I apologize if you caught the page at the wrong moment. If you ever find anything like that on the site feel free to email me, so it can be removed. And thanks! The life of a Blog Hero is, unfortunately, filled with villainy and the minions of evil. (I mean, I'm fighting the minions of evil, not hiring them or anything.)
Well the storm is finally over. I don't know how it can snow for more than 24 hours and yet accumulate 6". Of course, that's not an official measurement, that's a Bitter Schaad Measurement™ so, you know, take that for what it's worth. Actually, in some places in my yard there are 0" because the wind has removed it all. The rest of my yard is a total mess because the kids went outside and now there are footprints everywhere. I mean, can't we have that beautiful, peaceful, undisturbed blanket of white for at least a day? Now I have to go out there with a shovel and smooth it all out.
You can check Jesse's blog for a wrap-up of the State College storm. I'm sure he has everything on there (well, he won't go so far as to put up a picture of himself using the snow blower, but everything else should be there...)
On an unrelated note, if I disappear it's because I made a killing in the "finest replica Watches" arena. I just received a message that is dated Jan 18, 2038. 2038! Clearly, a message from the future. The message promises "selection of the highest quality replica watches available today." Well, since today would be 2038, these watches must be even more amazing by 2007 standards! So I've sold everything and am buying 400 cases. I figure I'll sell them on eBay.
I think we only got 6". I might go out and measure it but sleet and ice have probably compressed the total. Perhaps Jesse will drive over here on his snow blower and dig us out.
More later, I have some more toast and milk to consume now that the storm is over.
Alert Reader Mark has sent in this unbelievable story: "Giant Purple Space Potato Attacks China!"
Apparently a Chinese space project to grow vegetables in outer space has gone terribly awry, resulting in...hold on, that's the phone (checks caller id) sorry it's my lawyer I have to take this. "Hello? Yes, Yurgi. What? I can't kill the space potato story! What? But I just spent seven whole minutes drawing the... They will? They do? Oh. Okay, thanks."
Sorry folks, apparently the Chinese are very sensitive about this story. They've asked that I state unequivocally that there are NO giant purple space potatoes, that they have NOT in fact attacked China, and that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. What I actually meant to say was that China is growing small very harmless but quite tasty purple potatoes. And that you can read the official very true not made up definitely not a cover story here. Thank you.
It appears that a tornado hit New Orleans during some severe weather early Tuesday; 1 person has died, 30 were injured and 20,000 people are without power in LA. There's an AP story here, and CNN has a story and some video coverage here.
Last seen wandering the AccuWeather Parking Lot in a blizzard-induced fog:*
*Note: This video will likely update, but as of Tuesday it was a video of JB wandering the AccuWeather Parking Lot in a blizzard-induced fog.
Amounts actually jumped up this time. We may get anywhere from 12-25", and AccuWeather.com's Joe Bastardi had this to say:
Snowfall rates tonight and tomorrow could reach 4-6 inches/hour for a few hours in a row starting this evening in central PA...
That's so much snow you could actually get buried walking somewhere. Here's the latest map projection:
The ground is already white and it's starting to look a lot like Christmas. Well, a few months late anyway.
An updated graphic shows the 3-6" line moving towards State College. At this rate, the forecast will soon call for "Warm with a slight chance of rain." Amazing.
Phil says "Hi!" from sunny Oswego, NY. (And, "Expect an early spring!")
At first, I thought scientists in Japan had caught a rare prehistoric goblin. This would have finally answered the centuries old questions of "Are there prehistoric goblins?" and "Do they live in Japan?" and "Are they hoarding dwarven gold and artificially manipulating the price of gold on international precious metal markets?" I pictured a media feeding frenzy, not unlike the one that recently occurred with Anna Nicole Smith, where the goblin would appear on Larry King Live, and Hannity and Colmes, and Nancy Grace with a little caption at the bottom the reads "Goblin Gold: Will the dwarves sue?"
It turns out, however, that the title actually read: Rare "Prehistoric" Goblin Shark Caught in Japan. Not only that, but the goblin shark did not have any dwarven gold, nor did it live long enough to appear on Larry King's show.
Just once I'd like to put a storm map up that wouldn't change. But such things, where the weather is concerned, aren't possible I guess. Here's the latest AccuWeather.com map:
You can see that our 10-12"+ has been cut down to 6-12". I haven''t studied the situation yet, but I'm going to guess there will be ice and sleet mixing in, keeping the snow accumulations down. At least one "mad" meteorologist at AccuWeather.com is sticking to the higher amounts and telling everyone to ignore the models.
Whose forecast will reign supreme? I won't tell, but I think I'm going to put the frosty sign out front just to make it interesting.
It what is surely a sign of the Apocalypse, two separate accidents just a day apart sent 40 tons of cow intestines and 165,000 eggs all over highways in Wisconsin and Virginia.
You can read about the cow intestines here. There's no word on where 40 tons of cow intestines were headed. The article only mentions the phrase "beef byproduct" which is enough to make anyone go vegetarian. Apparently Alert Driver Ryan Engle was adjusting his mp3 player when he lost control of the vehicle. (No word on what the song was; Moo-dy Blues anyone?*)
The other story involves 165,000 future chickens in Virginia. The eggs were headed to a hatchery in Maryland where they "would have become chickens to be eaten at fast food restaurants." The odd part of this story (well, okay, I suppose it's all odd) is that the driver ran off after the accident. Police are baffled as to why the driver would scramble after the crack-up. "For him to just up and leave like that, that's kinda odd," state police spokesman Sgt. Terry Licklider said. The spokesman offered no response when asked if it was likely whether or not, when fleeing, the driver had. . . crossed the road.**
*I'm really sorry. The cat made me do that.
**That too.
AccuWeather.com is letting it all hang out:
State College, along with most of Pennsylvania, is in the big 12"+ area. Normally I would be more excited, except that I knew this would happen. How did I know? Well, let me explain.
Way back in October of 2006 I was cleaning the garage and I found this little decorative yard sign that Alert Shopper Tammy had purchased. The sign has a cute snowman on it and says "Frosty" and "Flakes" and I, thinking that this would somehow influence the winter, decided to stick it out in the yard early. Of course, Alert Shopper Tammy was out at the time and when she came home she said "Ha. Ha. That's really funny." knowing that I put it out in the yard in an attempt to conjure snow.
Well, after several winter months of no snow at all I put the sign away last week. I thought there was a good chance that someone, somewhere was mad that I in my hubris had put the sign out expecting snow and was preventing it from snowing. Taking the sign down and sticking it in the garage was my way of admitting my folly and apologizing. As it were.
And so, here we are now, a week later staring at a possible 12"+ of snow according to AccuWeather.com. I'm taking my life in my hands here by posting this because as soon as Alert Automotive Operator Tammy sees this she'll likely beat me unconscious with the sign, and then climb out to the ginormous pile of snow that will be left by the snow removal crew after this blizzard and stick frosty at the very top, not unlike some modern day Roald Amundsen.
So, don't say anything. We'll just pretend it never happened.
Are cosmic rays (partially) to blame for global warming? Henrik Svensmark thinks so. You can find a description of his explanation at the UK Telegraph.
Cosmic rays really aren't known to have done much, other than to give the Fantastic Four their powers when they were on a space mission. You can read about cosmic rays* at Wikipedia, which is written by aliens so they should know a lot about the subject.
*When I first wrote this I typed "comic rays" which might be some sort of Freudian Slip, which you can also read about on Wikipedia. I mean, read about Freudian Slips, not comic rays. Oddly enough, there are no entries on comic rays, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
First, I want to officially be the Last Person on Earth to let you know that upstate New York got four billion inches of snow, and it's going to keep snowing there indefinitely. The final snowfall total will be between five and eight billion inches. There are mass reports of people losing their snow blowers in the snow, and those that have snow blowers apparently take them outside only to watch them choke and die. Below is a chart to illustrate the snow levels for those in the audience who are visual learners:
So, I hope that clears that up.*
Anyway, the actual subject of this post is not the snow in upstate New York, although sure they're gloating about it and, well, good for them. The subject of this post is also not about pulling a pan of brownies out of the oven without an oven mitt. Although, since you asked, I'm going to take this opportunity to rant about the state of adhesive bandage packaging. (You'll note I did not say "Band-Aid®" packaging, as I don't want to tromp all over their trademark.)
The state of adhesive bandage packaging is very grim, not unlike the situation for mail delivery personnel on Ganymede in upstate New York. Sure, the packages look great when you buy them at the store. And they fit nicely on your shelf/in your medicine cabinet when you get them home. But when you've just grabbed a hot pan of brownies in the oven without an oven mitt, the boxes are impossible to open. So, sure, you rip them apart with your one good hand and your teeth, only to watch adhesive bandages fly everywhere. And when you've finally picked one up and tried to open it? Yes, exactly: it's like mud wrestling with an angry, sleep-deprived, humorless African Porcupine.**
But this post isn't really about humorless African Porcupines. It's about the coming snow storm. Certain meteorologists at AccuWeather, who may or may not own snow blowers and will rename maimless***, are calling for a big northeast storm which will dump many inches of snow on State College. This is a great week to predict such a thing, as Alert Automotive Operator Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, has much driving to do. However, on the other hand (the one without adhesive bandages,) this is a horrible week to predict such a thing because we're in State College, Pennsylvania - not upstate New York.
Just in case, though, I've brought the giraffe indoors.
*Bonus points to anyone who actually looked up the diameter of Ganymede and converted it to feet just to check my math.
**Of course, this describes much of life.
***I actually meant to type "remain nameless" but this is how it came out and I liked it so much I just kept it.
Probably not for Pennsylvania. (Sigh.)
In the interest of complete and total blogger transparency I'm going to share one of my irrational fears. Irrational would be "not governed by or according to reason" and fear would be "an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger." Thanks M-W.com.
So there you go. My (one of mine) irrational fear has to do with the security/merchandise/detector thing you see in most stores. They seem to work - sort of. I've observed people leaving the store through them, and have seen all sorts of lights and alarms going off but (oddly enough) no one goes over to help his poor chap who, for all we know, has stuffed 8 Wiis down his pants. And with no one to talk to he's forced to shuffle through the exit so that the beeping will stop.
My fear is sort of the opposite of that one. My fear is that I have no merchandise, no products, not even a flyer from the store but I have this feeling of dread that as I pass between those security bars something will happen. Okay, it never happens but I worry about it all the same. And I know that even if they do go off that everything can get squared away - it's not like eight Target (for example) personnel are going to leap out of hiding and subdue me with tasers.
Well, I'm glad that's off my chest. Does anyone out there have an irrational fear they'd like to get off their chest? I'll allow anonymous comments for a brief time only... Good Luck!
Note: Some of you have commented on the various typos in this post. All I can say is that this is the last time I dictate a post to Mysty. Her typing is awful. That, and she kept taking breaks to chew on the mouse cord.
I suppose at this point I can't say that winter wasn't. First, that would be very poor grammar and if there's something that I ain't it's a poor grammarian. Second, we've gotten a number of snowfalls of up to .3" at a time, which has triggered our snow removal crew to come out to the house and use (I'm not making this up) a leaf blower to clear our sidewalks. Stop laughing I'm paying obscene amounts of money for that.
As a result of the numerous "snowfalls" of less than 1/2" the roads in State College are blasted white from all of the salt they've dumped down. I mean white like you're driving in Heaven white. When the sun comes out you hear the squealing of brakes, the crunch of metal, screaming and someone dropping a glass. I'm not sure about that last one. I would just look and tell you what happens but everyone on the road at that moment is completely blind.
Another sign that we're actually having winter is the cold. I saw three groundhogs huddled around a large oil drum trying to warm themselves with the fire they had started within. I think they were burning Phil in effigy. Or, in an oil drum. I did notice that the three groundhogs cast long, deep, dark shadows of themselves from the fire they had started, and they kept whipping their heads around to look at the shadows, where upon they would sigh, and shake their heads, and go back to the fire. I'm not sure what that means but I suspect it's bad.
School here was delayed two hours because of the cold. Since we home school, that means the kids have an extra two hours to make their ways from their bedrooms to the family room. Cassie had made it to the top of the steps when I left this morning. I think they'll get there on time.
No, not for State College don't be silly. Alert Reader Kitty sends in this photo of actual North Carolina (Carolinian?) snow, a beast not quite as rare as State College Pennsylvania snow:
And Alert Readers J&J send in this LEGO®l Guy:
LEGO® Guy copyright 2004 A. Raves
At first you might think - hey, that's Carl! But, you would be wrong. First, my glasses are not blue, they're red. And second, I would never own a snow mobile because, well, that would just be silly. (This guy IS unshaven, which I find myself having to deal with more often than I'd like.)
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