...and could just spend my time studying great writers and crafting complicated interpretations of what they've written. Things like, "although the author states "the cow ate the grass" he clearly didn't intend for us to see a cow, but instead a grim doppelganger representing man's inhumanity to man." Anytime you could work man's inhumanity to man in with the word doppelganger you could usually get at least a B. Being a student is so wasted on the, ah, students.

A Dream Within a Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allen Poe

Posted by Carl at 8:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If I see one more belly/stomach fat ad. Who are these people that have all of this money to advertise animated jiggling stomach fat on every site I go to? See, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth even typing that. Lisa, our new media project queen, is working on filtering them out on AccuWeather.com, but they seem to have taken over the Internet. Ugh.

(Placed in disaster category since I don't have a jiggling belly fat category.)

Posted by Carl at 8:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Schock to the President's Argument

Posted by Carl at 3:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

"You're not funny when you try to be" - Connor, while discussing my blog. Dad's retort unavailable for comment.

Posted by Carl at 9:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Coincidence
The occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection - Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Accident
An unforeseen and unplanned event or circumstance - Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

I wonder about coincidences. I just can't figure it out. Not the big ones of course. It's easy to believe that when big things happen that there's some design or plan involved. For instance, if we found out there was a ginormous comet hurtling towards Earth and we all only had a few hours left, and at the same time it turned out that Bruce Willis was on board the Space Shuttle orbiting the planet with an Atomic Comet Buster™ - well, most of us would probably be quick to say something like:

"AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE save us Bruce!"

But after that we would probably say that there's NO WAY that's a coincidence. (We might also say something like "Quick, to the bunkers!")

What really bends my mind, though, are the little coincidences. Things that seem to be relatively unimportant (Certainly not rising to the level of a planet-destroying comet being intercepted by Bruce Willis) but still make you wonder. A small real-life example happened tonight: I was thinking about how each day starts with a great deal of promise. New day! Woo hoo! As the day begins I have a clean record. I think about how things today Will Be Different and things Will Be Better and yes I have Definitely Learned From Yesterday. Just look at my New Attitude! But by the end of the day? Defeated. Tired.

But what if someone was thinking these things while iTiunes decided to play "Say Won't You Say" by Jennifer Knapp, where she sings:

          "Every morning I have a chance to rise and give my all,
          but every afternoon I find I have only wasted time"

Would that be a coincidence? Or was that planned? Or are coincidences just patterns that we see because we're staring too hard?

If you understand coincidences and have figured all of this out please leave me a comment. I should also say that I love Jennifer Knapp's music, which is not a coincidence because I'm the one that put it in my iTunes music collection. She hasn't been involved in the music scene for some time, which is a great disappointment to her fans but I hope she's well and able to share her immense talent with those who can really appreciate her gifts.

More about Jennifer:
Jennifer's Wikipedia Entry | JenniferKnapp.com

Say Won't You Say via YouTube:

Update:
I hope this helps illustrate what I'm trying to say, although I'm afraid it probably won't. So far we have someone thinking a particular thing and then hearing a song which reflects this particular thing he was thinking. Okay, pretty normal. But this person then decides to write a blog post about it. Well, still not earth-shattering (pun not intended) (really!) Then the person decides to write the artist who wrote the song to thank them for writing the song, only to find out that they left the public eye in 2001 and can't really be reached. Anywhere, However, undaunted, he finds a way to get a message to the song writer thanking her.

Now, I have no idea what Jennifer will think of that, but are we still in the coincidence realm? What if, as a result of that, she decides to write a new song (I'm on a roll now, stand back) and publishes it via the web, without any industry people involved, even anonymously, and this song goes on to encourage thousands of people?

When would the coincidence have stopped, and the plan started?

Posted by Carl at 10:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Alex Rodriguez sporting a New York Yankees cap - artist rendering.

Alex Rodriguez, now dangerously close to the 5,000 friend limit on Facebook, admitted today before a room packed with reporters that he is, in fact, 87% bionic.

"I did most of the bionics in the late '90s" the All-Star third baseman said. "At the time it was, you know, a gamble. I didn't know if I would be able to pay back the $212 million dollars. I thought I might end up in front of a Senate sub-committee, begging for a bailout." Rodriguez, known to fans as A-Rod, was accompanied by a half-dozen lawyers, as well as physicians, engineers and tech support guys from the bionics firm Austin-Sommers.

"I was young and stupid back then. You know, I was naive - kids shouldn't get into bionics like I did," Rodriguez said. "I wanted to be the best. I had both arms and hands done, the legs - pretty much from the waist down. Both eyes. An ear. The hair isn't real." Rodriguez refused repeatedly to answer questions about which parts he did not have replaced. "I'm not getting into that now," he said.

Apparently A-Rod's confession comes on the heels of failing to pass through airport security this weekend. Rodriguez had sold both private jets during the Christmas shopping season in order to purchase a Nintendo WII for his kids. "It's not the WII," he explained, "it's all of the extras, like the nunchakus and the golf club and the tennis racket and the games and the little recharging stand. And the keyboard. And I got Animal Crossing. And... Mario something." Initially he was worried that he wouldn't pass through the metal detector successfully, but a call to one of his doctors had allayed his fears.

"He said I would be okay - that my living tissue covered the metal endoskeleton. I thought if I asked any more questions it might sound like I wasn't paying attention, so I just thanked him," Rodriguez said. The airport metal detectors all went off simultaneously when he got within 40 yards. He was reportedly detained by Homeland Security and initially told them it was only his keys and his pocket change. "They rescanned me," he said. "Twenty-three times. It got a little embarrassing."

Questions are now beginning to emerge concerning his contract with the Yankees. The 10-year, $275 million dollar contract had raised a number of eyebrows when first signed in December 2007. Few managers, professional baseball teams, and humans could understand the mind-boggling sum. Rumors began to circulate that A-Rod wasn't quite human, but nothing would stick.

"It's depressing," President Obama said when asked about the situation during his first prime-time news conference. "I mean, that's, uh, $275 million that could have gone to Citibank, or Fannie and Freddie, or maybe the auto industry," Obama said. He pledged that his administration would immediately look into the problem. "We can't, ah, have unregulated cyborgs running amuck in professional sports. That's simply inexcusable." Obama seemed to soften his stand at the end of the news conference, however, explaining that he would immediately commission a blue-ribbon panel to study the cyborg question, and pledged to add $580 billion to the stimulus bill for cyborg rights.

Rodriguez ranks 12th on the career list with 553 homers, and has defeated over 30 members of the human resistance in hand-to-hand combat.

With apologies to Ronald Blum & the AP. If you've read here before, and odds are you have if you're reading now, you know I'm not very good with sports. So I'm somewhat apathetic about this whole situation, but I can imagine that it's very difficult on the entire Rodriguez family, the Yankees, the criminal justice system, and the entire human resistance, and really my heart just goes out to everyone. So, I'm sorry about that. No lawyers or tech support people made me say any of this. Thank you.

Posted by Carl at 11:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Just a shout out to a hero of mine, John Cusack, who I am happy to say can meet any Dare to be Great situation.

This movie also features one of the best career quotes ever: "How many of them really know what they want, though? I mean, a lot of them think they have to know, right? But inside they don't really know, so...I don't know, but I know that I don't know."

Say Anything at Amazon
IMDB

Posted by Carl at 2:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Unbelievable.

Posted by Carl at 8:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Are you "fiercely committed?" You might be, if you're Christian Bale. Don't get me wrong, I love Christian Bale. Like a brother. Even if he won't return my calls or post on my wall on Facebook. But apparently he had a difficult week and had an on-set meltdown. Normally I don't comment on Christian Bale or on-set meltdowns, but after reading this article about the aforementioned BM (Bale Meltdown) I was struck by two things.

First, the PR aspect of the BM, which I always find fascinating. There's a lot of psychology in public relations - when do you apologize, when do you fight back, when do you go hide and have a drink. Bale - or his "people" whoever they are - decided that he had to get on top of the BM (so to speak) as soon as possible. To wit:

The second thing that I found interesting is that the writer of the article, or someone at AFP, must love Bale for him to get this sort of treatment:

(Emphasis mine.)

The next time someone wants to tell you that the media and writing is impartial, remember Christian Bale and his BM. The very act of writing is a partial exercise. Sometimes it can be painfully blatant - normally it's just a small, minor, word choice thing - but it's always there.

(I'm categorizing this "heroes/heroics" in part because Bale was in two Batman movies, and really that lighting guy was WAY out of order getting in Bale's line of vision like that.)

Posted by Carl at 6:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

(I'm currently hard at work on a dynamic exposé on the mayonnaise industry, where I've uncovered some disturbing information. No really! In fact I'm writing this from a secret, hidden location because I've already gotten all sorts of threats from the sandwich spread industry. I hope to have the whole thing done in a few days. In the meantime I noticed that 021409 was approaching like a charging, irritated, friendless half-blind rhino so I updated the following post that originally appeared on the blog that rhymes with hurty gait bread dough. Have fun shopping!*)

I know a lot of hapless males read this blog, because I'm a hapless male, I get emails from hapless males, and really, most males are hapless. Most males also dread February 14, because it's simply too easy to screw it up. Never fear! As a service to the hapless males in the audience, I thought I would put together a gift-giving guide to guarantee a brilliantly successful Valentine's Day. This list was put together after a great deal of research. Over 23,000 women were interviewed about their likes and dislikes. After carefully distilling the results I've developed a number of unique gift ideas.

Of course, you're probably asking yourself one of two questions right now:

1. But I'm female!
Okay, so that's not really a question. I suppose you're actually thinking, "But I'm female, should I bother reading on?" Of course! Consider this a checklist of sorts - just print this blog post, circle the things you'd like and leave it for your special guy where he's sure not to miss it. (Either in his sandwich, or taped to the TV screen.) Works well for guys who usually don't "get hints."

2. But I'm cheap!
Okay, so that's not really a question either. What you REALLY mean to ask is, "Are there budget-friendly options?" Of course! Every one of my options comes with a budget-friendly alternative that's guaranteed bound to likely probably going to please your special lady just the same.

Finally you might be thinking it's too late. Pshaw! (Pshaw: Used to indicate impatience, irritation, disapproval, or disbelief.) This year it really IS the thought that counts, and a printed gift card, I.O.U. or receipt will work just fine when placed inside that Hallmark Card. A creative alternative would be ripping a picture out of a magazine showing your gift. Bonus points if the magazine isn't even yours.

And now...the list.

9 Unique Valentine's Day Gift Suggestions for (insert current year here)

1. Taser
Website | Price: $499.95

Ladies love a guy who is looking out for them - and what better way to protect your lady than with the gift of a Taser? Tasers are effective on any body part, meaning you can score a hit on the left calf and still take down your victim violent aggressor. And now Tasers come with "Electro-Muscular Disruption (EMD) technology." (It shocks people.)

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Octagon Ball Bearing Nunchakus
Website | Price: $15.95

While not exactly possessing the range of your standard Taser, these Nunchakus can still get the job done. Just stay out of her way.

2. Jean Schlumberger Sixteen Stone ring
Website | Price: $6,500

Diamonds ARE a girl's best friend. (Besides you, of course. On a good day.) And where else does one shop for diamonds besides Tiffany's? She'll remember you forever after getting this little jewel. Fancy black ring box free with purchase.

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Mood Ring
Website | Price: $6.99

Some classics never go out of style - and certainly the mood ring is one of those. For an added touch of class, call Tiffany's and see how much you can buy one of those fancy black ring boxes for. Imagine her surprise when she gets a fancy black ring box with a mood ring! (As an added bonus, in the future you can check the ring and make sure it's not black before asking if you can watch the game.)

3. Chocolate Premiere Gift Tower with Signature Ribbon
Website | Price: $325.00

Over seven pounds of chocolate bliss! You know a gift will be a hit when it has the word "Premiere" in the title, and comes with a "Signature Ribbon." Godiva is possibly the best chocolate on Earth - let her know that she's the best lady on Earth! (A gift of seven pounds of chocolate has the added bonus of saying "Of course I think your thighs look fine!")

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Hugs and Kisses
Website | Price: About $5.00 at a good Wal-Mart

Is Godiva too French Belgian for your tastes? No worries! You can pick up a bag of Hershey's Hugs and a bag of Hershey's Kisses (get it? hugs and kisses?) and mix them together in a nice Tupperware container from that cabinet you rarely look in. For an added touch of class, call Tiffany's and see how much you can buy one of those fancy black ring boxes for. Imagine her surprise when she gets a fancy black ring box with a piece of chocolate! (Author recommends that fancy little black box with piece of chocolate not be left in the sun before gifting.)

4. Wall Mounted Aquarium
Website | Price: $299.95

Bring the beauty of the sea indoors with this gorgeous wall-mounted aquarium called "Wall Mounted Aquarium." This svelte masterpiece has room for 12 tropical freshwater fish, which are not included. (I would suggest waiting until after the wall-mounted aquarium is all ready to go before getting the fish.) As an added bonus, you get to install this puppy, meaning quality time with nails, hammers, screwdrivers and stud finders!

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Bumble Bee Solid White Albacore in Water, 12-Ounce Can
Website | Price: Who knows? But she's worth every penny!

Who doesn't like a good tuna fish sandwich? That's right, just about no one. Nobody. You know what I mean. Make sure you tell her that it's dolphin-safe - this shows your tender side. Also, try to get the brands with added Pyrophosphate. She'll know her health is important to you. (She may be SO impressed she offers to make you a sandwich. If not, you can always drop a hint.)

5. Hummer H3 (Fully Loaded)
Website | Price: About $46,000, give or take

Of course you might not live in Manhattan - the link is just an example. But who needs a Hummer H3 more than someone trying to get through Central Park this week! Oversized carpeted front floor mats included. YMMV.

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Star Wars Episode III: Anakin's Jedi Starfighter
Website | Price: $21.95

Ladies love tragic love stories, and what was more tragic than Star Wars III? She'll relive the movie experience you both shared time and time again with this "Anakin's Jedi Starfighter." Did she roll her eyes when you first suggested Star Wars III? Did she make some derogatory comment about being dragged out to I and II, or about Jar Jar Binks? But she was in tears at the end of III wasn't she! Help her experience it all over again with launchable missiles, cool detailing and retractable landing gear that will help to blast her into a galaxy of excitement. (Some assembly required.)

6. A Dozen Platinum Roses
Website | Price: $729.95

Real roses are for those Other Guys. We all know that ladies love flowers, but flowers have a major drawback - they die! Now, your roses can live forever. Send a dozen real roses that have each been dipped in pure platinum. Just think about the phone call from work that day:

"Hi Honey. It's me. What? YOU GOT THE DOZEN PURE PLATINUM DIPPED ROSES I SENT? I'm glad you liked them, that's really the least I could do."

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Miniature Roses Seeds
Website | Price: $2.79

Show confidence in her green thumb and give her something to look forward to this spring! While she's on her knees futilely trying to dig small holes in the frozen tundra she'll be thinking of only one person - you! With a trowel in one hand and an aerator in the other. ("Classic shades of pink, white and rose bloom all season as long as you deadhead.") (Deadhead manual sold seperately.)

7. Dyson DC17 Animal Cyclone Upright Vacuum Cleaner
Website | Price: $549.99

Every lady wants to know that her guy is interested in the house, and no gift can say "Interested!" like a new vacuum. But this isn't just ANY vacuum - this is the Dyson DC17 Animal Cyclone Upright Vacuum Cleaner. The name alone is enough to impress any gift recipient. Not only will you get an easy-access long telescope wand for reaching corners and a larger vacuum slot for picking up bigger debris but every purchase also comes with Zorb powder. If she has a pet companion animal, so much the better!

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Swiffer CarpetFlick Everday Carpet Sweeper
Website | Price: $15.49

Almost as good as a Dyson! As the page says, "Simply flicks and locks the dirt away... amazing!" Not only that, but it picks up grass AND glitter. Works on berber.

8. Zero Gravity Flight
Website | Price: $5,197.00

Is that special someone in your life a daredevil? Give the gift of Zero Gs. (That gravity, natch.) Not only will she experience the same stomach-churning, gut-busting feeling that professional astronauts feel (for 25-30 seconds a shot, up to 15 times) she'll also be provided with meals. (Probably Hopefully afterwards.)

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Tilt-a-Whirl ride at the Carnival
Price: Carnival Admission (Around $4.50 a person)

Probably the same sort of feeling can be had at the local carnival, for a lot less - although you won't leave the earth and meals won't be provided. Of course - throw in a Carnival Death Dog™ and Pepsi® for her to round out the day.

9. 11-Night Southern Caribbean Cruise on the Disney Wonder
Website | Price: $6,699.02

Wow - talk about romance! Tie the kids up (assuming you have some, or adopt real quick), drop them off at the grandparent's and hit the waves! It's a chance to spend some quality time together and get a little Goofy. Just don't plan to go during hurricane season. (That would be from April - January.)

Budget-Friendly Alternative: Pirates of Caribbean 3 DVD (Arr!) and some Popcorn
Website | Price: About $20.00

Every lady loves a date night - and while it may not be quite the same as a Disney Cruise, Pirates of the Caribbean DOES take place on a boat. Occasionally. For extra points, wear your sea spray cologne and call Tiffany's and see how much you can buy one of those fancy black ring boxes for. Imagine her surprise when she gets a fancy black ring box with the receipt for a Pirates of the Caribbean 3 DVD all crumpled in there!

That's it! Nine ideas to make you a hit on February 14. What could go wrong?

*The blog hero is not responsible for any shopping efforts for the opposite sex that go horribly, terribly awry. The rhino says be careful out there.

Posted by Carl at 10:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I love this album. Official video for Broken here.

Lifehouse Official Site | Facebook | MySpace

Posted by Carl at 12:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm not a huge sports fan; probably the biggest reason is simply time - it seems to take a lot of time to be devoted to any sport (let alone multiple sports) and that's not something I've ever wanted to do. Last night the Super Bowl was on, and I can't remember the last time I watched an entire Super Bowl. But the Steelers were playing, and having lived in the Pittsburgh suburbs for most of my life I'm something of a fan. So I watched. I assume you saw it but if not, "Wow."

I reflected on the game today and wondered why it was so remarkable. Certainly the back-and-forth, nail-biting suspense of who would win was dramatic. But I found an article today (at, of all places, a sports site) that really captures what I was looking for: Sixth sense: Steelers do it the right way

The article talks about the Steelers franchise and explains why they're so loved (you may not love the Steelers, but I would still encourage a look at the article.) Some highlights:

It's interesting that Hines Ward is listed as having been born in Seoul, South Korea. I certainly give him props for playing in pain. When I'm in pain all I can do is let people know, complain loudly, and yell at the kids to get off my lawn.

I thought this was fascinating. How many business owners give out their cell number to their employees? (No comment about this author's situation.) Whatever the specific means it's heart-warming to know that Rooney is that concerned about his players.

That just seems like a very classy thing to do. With all of the bad news you hear today - about banks going under, then taking your tax money and buying luxury jets; people scamming people out of millions; and even various sports figures using drugs or making animals fight - to have a great game that's exciting to watch during the play and then encouraging afterwards because of the people involved - well that's when sports becomes more than sports I think.

If you get a chance read the whole article at ESPN - there's a description about the "oxygen tank run" that you'll certainly remember if you saw the game.

Posted by Carl at 1:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Cassie stayed out of the hospital today, about which are thrilled. She still has symptoms - some sort of cold/stomach bug, coupled with a urinary tract infection. She's on anti-biotics that she claims she can't swallow. (We've done 2 out of 24 I think.) Cassie's vomiting has stopped but Carl's started. Carl IS happy to report is was normal throwing up, not the really violent throwing up where stuff comes out of your mouth, and then your nose too - some things that shouldn't fit out of your nose, and then things come out of your ears, and your eyes shoot blood. What? This doesn't happen to you? Hmm.

In any event, Carl - of whom I'm speaking of in the third person since that's how we somehow started - is all doped up and going to bed. Carl's actually very slightly half-glass-is-half-full optimistic that he can get over this one quickly.

If this was a movie, we would fade black, then fade in "9 Months Later" and Carl would be in the ER vomiting. "HOW long have you had this?" the nurse asks. "9 months. blaaauuuugggghhhhh." We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Tammy is at home and the doctor is adjusting her medications to help her get completely off of the lithium, which after taking it for so long is causing kidney problems.

Do you know how some of you have become really good at moving people? You have a circle of friends and they've all relocated, near or far, and needed your help moving. We call that a Moving Hero. And when they need one, they call upon you.

Carl's discovered that he can personally add ER Hero to his list. So if anyone out there is planning on going into the Emergency Room in our hospital or, if he's traveling, a nearby hospital, he would be happy to assist.

Posted by Carl at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you know me you could probably guess I'm not a huge sports fan. I am from Pittsburgh, though, and have long been a fan of the Steelers. So I was delighted to not only see them win tonight, and win probably the most exciting football game I've seen in many a year (I don't see many), but I also was delighted to see how the kids enjoyed the game. Toward the end there I thought I was going to have to get some oxygen for Connor. Or a paper bag. Or something. But things turned out well.

You can order your "Terrible Towel" online, of course.

Posted by Carl at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Our thermostat has two readings - the numeric reading (this is usually made up of a number) and the descriptive reading (this is usually a description.) I like keeping it set on the descriptive reading because it involves less math.

Right now it's winter in State College, Pennsylvania. As a result, the thermostat is set on "Arctic Blast." That's about 68-70 degrees. If you were to go outside one fine February morning and it was actually 70 degrees, you would likely burst into flames. At least in Pennsylvania. But indoors it seems quite chilly.

But setting things to Arctic Blast in the winter does help with the gas bill. And, it also helps save the planet, which I'm very much in favor of because it's the only planet I have. I'm on. You know what I mean.

I was able to share - with great pride and to much fanfare - my thermostat setting during the U.S. Presidential Campaign, because of what then candidate (now President) Obama said:

*This asterisk, which is on loan from Oregon, does not belong to the New York Times nor does it - like journalistic integrity - appear anywhere in the article cited. I put it here because I thought the President was from Chicago, Illinois. A quick Google search reveals that President Obama hasn't lived in Hawaii for 20 years. Chicago, also known as the Windy City or the Dang It's Pretty Cold Out City, is not a great place to grow orchids. In fact, one would think that 20 years would be sufficient time for one's internal temperature to moderate from Orchid Growth Warmth to Arctic Blast Cold. I mean moderate in sort of an apolitical, scientific, temperature sense.

Posted by Carl at 5:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)