If God really wants you to touch the sky, He'll give you wings.
June 2009
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Main
Today we found out that we're getting a dog. It happened like this. Cassie said she wanted a dog. Okay, that was pretty much it. We, as responsible loving parents promptly "rolled over."
The first step in getting a dog is careful research of breeds, what to expect from each breed, what breed would offer us - as a unique family - the best experience and fit. Of course, we skipped that step. That step involved a lot of reading and books and stuff.
The next step was to decide where to get a dog. One option is a breeder, who somehow makes dogs, mostly out of that stuff you use in quilts, and that bendable wire and a whole lot of tape. However, that stuff you use in quilts apparently costs billions of dollars because it can only be harvested under a full moon by yak herders in the mountains of Nepal, and yak herders have recently unionized and that's affected prices. So a breeder dog costs just shy of $28,000.
So the next step after that was to look at rescued dogs. This is actually what we wanted to do, because if we can give a rescued dog a good home then we've accomplished two things: we've given a rescued dog a good home, and those yak herders don't get another dime of my hard earned money.
Cassie began browsing for a dog via Petfinder (using all of the carefully amassed data in step one) and found a candidate. However, I contacted the owner and it had just been given to someone in Nepal. The second dog Cassie found is named "Midnight." Instantly this seemed promising. There were no dogs listed like "Misery," "Despair," or "Anguish," so it was likely we would have to settle for something like "Midnight."
I contacted the owner and that set off an application process so thorough it makes me feel guilty no one questioned me more when I had live human children. I had to provide references. I had to give my birth date. I have to divulge my work place and profession. I had to share what vet we use. After the initial application, we were told the dog was being removed from the Internet because of all of the applications, but that we would be considered.
In the meantime Cassie had become the model child. Cleaning up the house, checking out dog books from the library, watching dog shows on TV - all in an attempt to learn more and roll her parents. So far her diabolical plan was working. The next step in the application process - and no I am not making this up - was to take pictures of the inside and outside of our house. At this point I passed the application process on to Alert Photographer Tammy, as there was no way I was going to photograph the interior of my house for a pet who likely wouldn't appreciate the photos I'd take anyway. I said I would support her continuing the process (this involved me standing some distance away, putting my fingers in my ears, waving my hands while making a pffffffttttttttttt! sound with my tongue) but that I wasn't going to steer it. She took the pictures and sent them off. We were hopeful that should this be a colossal mistake that God in His infinite mercy would destroy our block with a meteor.
Tammy received a response right away, and we were asked if we had a 12-year-old daughter named Cassandra, and if she had been emailing anyone at the rescue. Head smacking keyboard moment. We said yes, and if she had been a bother we apologized. She received a response to that, saying that we could have Midnight because the owner of the rescue, whom Cassie had been writing, was so impressed with her questions and her maturity.
So, with the email up on Alert Dog Acquirer Tammy's computer screen, I called Cassie into the room and asked her in a stern voice if she had been emailing about Midnight. She nervously said, "Yes, why?" Tammy said "You better read that email young lady." Trembling she sat down and read. Then she shouted and jumped up and down, laughed, screamed and sobbed all in about 60 seconds.
We will likely visit Midnight this weekend (Cassie turns 13 on Friday) and if everything seems to click we will bring him home. He's a lab/shepherd mix, and we're told that he will grow to be 18' tall and eat a buick's weight in food each day.
In a pinch he'll also be good at herding yak.
Several of the models are showing numerous storms developing...here's just one:
Two of these storms are already declared: Gustav and Hanna. Gustav is still largely on track for Lousiana, but Hanna's something of a mystery as the models don't seem to know what to do with it. Some curve it back out to see, some do a loop, so just have it meandering aimlessly - just the same way that I shop for groceries. (Note to self: get donuts.) I have a feeling from what I've seen and read that Florida may be in for another hit. Hopefully they'll get a break.
Will Gustav be a hurricane that affects everyone in the country? Some "conventional wisdom" thinks so, and it goes like his: Gustav hits New Orleans during the Republican National Convention. The media rushes to cover it, with the obligatory comparisons to Katrina. "Katrina II" is born, and the coverage becomes wall-to-wall hurricane. News. Victims. Homes floating away. The political savvy exploit the situation and a Democrat president is elected.
I'm not sure I buy any of that. Conventional wisdom is often not. But keep all that in mind as we watch what happens. And above all, everyone rush your plans to completion, buy some donuts, and be prepared for a storm, whether you're in Texas or up the east coast.
Addendum: I heard today that oil dropped. Bigfoot was cited as having bought 5,000 barrels on some pretend oil-trading website. I can't confirm or deny this. We'll see what the price is when Gustav makes landfall, and see if "investing" half a million dollars can "earn" we $20 or $30 bucks.
I was taking a look at the computer models this morning and saw this on the GFDL:
Yes, that's a huge monster storm, or Godzilla, headed straight for New Orleans. Keep in mind this is only one model, and I'm not sure it's a particularly good model. In fact, I think the other models gave it a swirly in the bathroom this morning. But the consensus developing this morning is that it will make it into the Gulf and rapid intensification will be a real risk.
If I was a gambling man I would probably load up on oil since the price will likely spike. Just for fun let's see if I lose my shirt: The light, sweet, (and delicious) crude contract on the New York Mercantile Exchange closed at $115.11 a barrel. So let's say I pick up, well, 5000 barrels (I only have so much room in my garage.) That would cost me $575,550 which is okay, because my great uncle three times removed on my mother's side is T. Boone Pickens. And then let's check the price whenever (and wherever) Gustav makes U.S. Landfall.*
In any event, everyone in the Gulf should pay attention to legitimate weather/monster/zombie information sources for watches, warnings, and advisories. Stay safe!
*Blog Hero's crack legal team, Sven, just called in from a Dunkin' Donuts and said that I have to put a disclaimer here about buying oil. The aforementioned blog post discussing buying oil is for entertainment value only. No one is to blame if you lose all of your money in the oil market because Gustav is actually Gamera and leaves the oil producing areas of the Gulf alone and instead flies off and destroys Tulsa. Sven also asked me to say that today's post meant to offense to the oil companies, oil traders, people who get stinking filthy rich from trading oil while we deal with $4 gas, Mr. Boone Pickens, Mr. T, zombies, giant radioactive monsters or meteorologists well that's about it. Sven had to get back to his latte and jelly donut.
UPDATE 1: Oil up more than a dollar. That was the easiest $8,550 I never made!
UDPATE 2: Oil industry battens down as Gustav approaches
UPDATE 3: Stocks Struggle as Gustav Looms
UPDATE 4: Gulf Oil, Gas Hurricane Evacuations to Begin Tomorrow
Genetic tests are in on the supposed Bigfoot find that Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer presented on Friday. You've no doubt seen the photo of "Bigfoot" stuck in a large freezer. The tests revealed that one sample of DNA was human and the other sample of DNA was 96% opossum. This leads me to two obvious conclusions:
1. Someone should check the fridge, because Bigfoot could be, you know, just pretending he's dead.
2. Bigfoot continues to elude mankind by cleverly hiding in dense forests and shopping at Wal-Mart after 1 am.
You have to give these guys credit for trying though. An autopsy is still planned, which should reveal if the Opossum Man is alive or not, and if not, how he died. Look for the video special on FOX this fall.
*I know you're probably not supposed to say "Mostest Odd" but I wanted to anyway, sorry.
I have a web visitors/statistics service installed that gives me basic information about people visiting Blog Hero. I frankly don't understand it. I haven't really spent a lot of time analyzing the data I get from different sources, so when something comes over the ol' RSS reader like this I'm pretty much at a loss:
That may be the weirdest visit I've ever had. You'll note that not only is this person apparently visiting from Tehran, Iran (can you even DO that in Tehran, Iran?) but they're checking out the Aliens/Bigfoot/Elvis topic page. (Mind you, that's a great bunch of articles.) The most recent article there is about Galactic Freedom Day, so perhaps this is some pro-freedom minded Iranian searching for information via Google on freedom. That would be very said, as I could see him getting into my blog, which has almost no useful information about anything, let alone freedom, and then he'd be discovered by some Internet Police Group and hauled away. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
If you would have told me in college that I would one day "write regularly" and that people all over the world would read it, I would have said two things to you:
1. You're completely insane (And you probably were)
and
2. Will that pay well (It doesn't)
Still, it's interesting... mostestly.
Mark your calendars!
On 08.08.08 Galactic Freedom Day will be upon us. The day that we finally end all of the secret agreements that have kept extraterrestrial life...secret. I know this to be true, because there's a website about it and the Internet never lies:
Galactic Freedom Day Website*
If you follow the link you'll find the Galactic Freedom Day Declaration that has this sentence that I thought was particularly humorous:
We declare that 08/08/08 will be subsequently known as Galactic Freedom Day in recognition of our inalienable right of citizen governance.
I chortled.
*I should point out that while I'm linking to the Galactic Freedom Day website, Blog Hero, Blog Hero, Inc., Blog Hero Enterprises, the Blog Hero Legal Team (Sven), the Blog Hero interns, and Rubert the Blog Hero Pizza Delivery Guy who's always rather grumpy put does deliver a mean deep dish, does not wish to imply any sort o endorsement of said website, Galactic Freedom Day, extraterrestrials, citizen organizations, or individuals. Please use your own discretion when visiting Galactic Freedom websites or signing any petitions thereof. On. There upon. You know what I mean.
If I see the ShamWOW! commercial with Vince just one more time, I think I'm going to call and get some. So help me, I'm that close. I mean, have you seen this? I actually want to buy 100 and throw them all in a swimming pool at the same time and see what happens.
If someone out there can talk me down I would appreciate it. BUT, I can get 100 ShamWOWs for under $2,000. Under $2,000! That's less than it takes to fill my car with gas.
Just a test. Nothing to see here.
I bookmarked this article a while ago hoping to get back to it in a more timely fashion, but I was jumped by a ruthless gang of rodeo clowns and have spent the last few weeks driving a small rainbow-colored rodeo clown car while rodeo clowns jump in and out, spraying seltzer and pelting me with pies. Where was I? Oh, the aliens.
'Aliens Are My Brother' is the name of an article in the Vatican newspaper by the Pope's chief astronomer wherein he says intelligent beings created by God may exist elsewhere. I'm not sure what's more unbelievable here: that the Pope has a chief astronomer, or that the Vatican has a newspaper.
If you think about this for a few minutes, you'll probably ask yourself some of the questions that I'm asking myself: Does the Vatican paper have an online edition? Is there a comics section? If so, does it reprint Marmaduke? And how likely is it that there are really aliens working on the Vatican newspaper (maybe at the sports desk?)
Update: On a fluke I searched on Google for Vatican Newspaper English Edition and, well, there you go.
I know, you are probably wondering how I find this stuff. I obviously can't say as it's a trade secret.
The Sci-Fi channel has an "original movie" airing soon. Here's a screen capture from their site:
In case you missed that bit at the bottom which explains what this movie is about, it reads: "She's an ex-model. He's an elite commando. They're going to solve global warming - by stopping the aliens who are causing it!" There are a couple of take-aways here that you'll want to note:
1. Global warming is real. Never in the description is global warming in doubt.
2. Man is NOT causing global warming. This is a huge relief. We can all go back to our SUVs and air conditioning and flatulating cows now.
3. Aliens exist.
4. Aliens are causing global warming. I have no idea why they would do this but one can assume it's because aliens dislike us, our planet or our flatulating cows.
5. The aliens are no match for an ex-model and an elite commando.
I for one will be rushing out to get TIVO so that I can make sure I don't miss this new Sci-Fi channel documentary.
I confess I don't know what that would be (the sound of a sigh caught in a black hole) but I thought the phrase would make a great blog post title. It seems very deep, like the "sound of one hand clapping" until you think about it and realize that it's completely meaningless. I suppose a sigh caught in a black hole would sound like siiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There might even be a pfffft! right at the end there when it crosses the event horizon. For more on sighing and black holes and event horizons consult your local wikipedia.
Some of you have wondered why I haven't been posting as regularly as in the past. Some surmised I was in a terrible corn canning accident. Others have suggested that the Japanese Mafia finally caught up with me late one night at Wal-Mart, during an ill-fated Twinkies and Pepsi run. A few inquired about my health, given all of the bionics from poorly waged light saber battles and my diet of Twinkies and Pepsi. All good guesses, of course, but in truth I was on vacation at Disney World for the last six months.*
As proof I offer this photo snapped at EPCOT. It is part of the current Tin Toy exhibit being held in the Japan section of EPCOT, right behind the Japanese Mafia booth - which I carefully circumvented while dressed in my Speed Racer disguise. I think this is a Tin Godzilla, desperately in search of some Tin Japanese Soldiers to stomp on. He had just stomped on the Mach 5, Speed Racer and his box office receipts - but was still hungry.
*Okay, I made that up. I can hardly afford to put gas in my well-made but gas-guzzling SUV let alone vacation at Disney World for six months. But vacation is, after all, just a state of mind.
Insomnia is terrible. I know this because I'm exhibiting one of the key symptoms of insomnia, which is I'm awake writing a pointless blog entry at 4am. How terrible is insomnia? It's so terrible that it has its own formula:
TUIToI = (((ID x CIH)/HuS)x(1/NT))
You probably have already figured this out, but that stands for:
The Unknowable Incalculable Terribleness of Insomnia = (The number of Insomnia Days x the Current Insomnia Hours) divided by the number of Hours until Sunrise all multiplied by the inverse Number of Twinkies in the house.
The first thing that you will probably experience with insomnia is the magnification of sounds. As you lie awake, you can hear the ticking of your clock or watch. You can hear the neighbor's llama bleating chortling baying, your cat pacing back and forth because soon it will get food (only 17 hours to go), and the clanging of dust as it collects on things in the room. You can also hear everything that your spouse is doing: their tossing and turning, their breathing, their mumbling in morse code, and (if you have this sort of spouse, which of course I do not) their snoring which sounds almost exactly like a band of angry bluegrass Meerkats being short shrifted by the managed of a truck stop in Bedford, PA*.
At some point you'll probably make the decision that it's better to get out of bed and write a pointless blog entry than it would be to lie in bed and wish you were asleep, under water, building adobe huts in the Gobi Desert**, or writing a pointless blog entry. Bizarre thoughts start to go through your mind, lying there in the bed. Such as getting up, getting in the car, and driving to dot dot dash dash dot dash dot...
So I know what you're thinking: Of course you can't sleep! You're going to Disney World! While yes, that's a good guess I can tell immediately when I'm having a Going-to-Disney-World case of insomnia and no this is not one of those things. This is more like Are-the-Aliens-Going-to-Abduct-Me-Again-Tonight-for-More-Experiments kind of insomnia, which is probably at the other end of the insomnia spectrum. It's almost like I'm George Clooney, and I'm worried about where my next paycheck will come from because Nestlé won't return my phone calls.
So what to do? I've actually spent some time on the Internet researching possible options.*** And so I've bleated chortled compiled a list of great ideas:
1. Drink warm milk. This idea was generously offered at the American Dairy Association's website. Drinking warm milk will put you to sleep almost immediately. In fact, the site warns you to drink the warm milk in bed, because people have actually passed out getting to their bedroom after FOOLISHLY sipping on their way back from the kitchen. If this doesn't work out, you're supposed to drink more milk. If that doesn't work out, have some cheese.
2. Count sheep. This apparently only works if you have hundreds of sheep. For those of us who only have a dozen or two it's not very likely that we'll get to sleep unless we recount them many times.
3. Have a Golden Delicious Twinkie. New research actually shows that eating Golden Delicious Twinkies while drinking warm milk with your sheep will not only cause you to fall asleep, but it will cure acne, cause hair to grow in good places and dash dash dash dot dash dot dot dash dot dash. It appears to affect the sheep in the same way, which is great for wool production or for teen sheep who are going through those awkward high school years. (This idea was found on the Golden Delicious Twinkie Website and is in no way endorsed by the American Sheep Association, Mr. Morse or the Japanese Mafia.)
4. Take some serious hardcore medication. This idea was found on multiple websites. The concept here is that you take some mild-altering drug that duplicates the affect of Twinkies and Warm Milk in your bloodstream. You then fall asleep, even if your neighbor's llama is out back partying with angry meerkats performing "Man of Constant Sorrow" in morse code. It's amusing watching commercials for some of these medications on television, as they tout the wonderful benefits of the drug and then cut to an idyllic scene of baby bunnies frolicking amongst daisies and butterflies with a sun rising in the background and the voice-over soothingly warning that possible side effects may include sleepiness, tiredness, a feeling of being sleepy and tired, fatigue, a tired fatigue-y feeling, and sometimes maybe once in a long while kidney failure, liver failure, heart failure, bladder failure, mid-term failure, bounced checks and permanent sleep which some people in the non-pharmaceutical world occasionally refer to as "death."
Of course, Insomnia is so Unknowingly Incalculably Terrible that Hitler could show in a pink tutu dressed as a Pfizer Rep and offer you a bottle of something called "Sleepy Time Pills" and you would give him one of your livers**** for even half an adult dose.
I see by my clock that it's only 4:36 now. I have to stop writing and go see what all of the racket is in the kitchen. It sounds like the sheep are in the dot dash dash dot dash dot dot again...
*Sorry, It IS 4am.
**The author wishes to express his concern that it's possible that there is no adobe in the Gobi Desert, which would make building huts out of adobe there very difficult, but probably not as difficult as sleeping five hours in a row.
***Okay that was a flat out lie.
****We've had this discussion before.
 Source: CelebrityHomePhotos.com (Who knew?) Some news sources, maybe even credible ones, are reporting that actor Tom Cruise is spending TEN MILLION DOLLARS on... do you want to guess? What? No, not a home, but that's a good guess. A private island? Nope. AccuWeather? Way off. No, Tom Cruise is reportedly spending TEN MILLION DOLLARS to build a bunker under his home to protect himself and his family from alien invasion.
I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with Tom Cruise's spokesperson, who said "Tom can neither confirm nor deny that the evil alien overlord Xenu is heading to Earth right now and planning to use his above-ground-home-destroying space ray on Colorado." Okay I made that up. Actually he denied the whole thing, all the while glancing furtively at the sky.
Now, I don't know a lot about the evil alien overload Xenu and his plans to destroy all of our houses (built above ground) with an above-ground-home-destroying space ray, but I really have to wonder. If you're coming from space to earth, are you really going to go to Tom Cruise's house? And if you do, are you going to be content with searching around the place, looking in a few closets, and then throwing up your hands. "He's not home!" And then leave and go destroy George Clooney's house?
I'm sure if any bulldozers show up at the Cruise Compound (pictured at right) we'll all know about it. And, if an evil alien ruler shows up and starts destroying houses built above ground with an above-ground-home-destroying space ray, well, Anderson Cooper will no doubt be there.
Article from This Is London Until Xenu Shows Up and Blasts It
Alert Reader Wendy points me to this article that may document the opening salvo of an alien attack: Mystery illness strikes after meteorite hits Peruvian village.
Apparently a meteorite crashed in all its fiery glory in souther Peru, and then villagers developed a mysterious illness. Residents have complained of headaches and vomiting brought on by a "strange odor." Of course, a synonym for strange is "alien," so what we have here is an illness caused by an "alien odor." Seven policemen were among those who were sickened.
No word on what was found in the meteorite crater, although "boiling water started coming out of the crater and particles of rock and cinders were found nearby." No word of an alien space ship or little smelly aliens or anything like that.
Amateur astronomers are pretty sure the meteorite came from the constellation Big Boötes, which as we all know is the site of the alien UFO Universe Freeway Entrance.
I didn't know this (which is unfortunate, for it is my job to know these things) but the alien UFO Universe Freeway Entrance has been found.* Amateur astronomer and inevitable Oprah Winfrey guest Ted Anderson spotted it between the stars Artcurus and Muphid. Arcturus and Muphrid are stars in the constellation Boötes, not to be confused with Big Boot-TAY.
©2001 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc.
The 80's were awesome, weren't they?
Here's a map of Boötes and Ursa Major, in case you're planning a trip. I don't know if the alien UFO Universe Freeway Entrance is guarded, but if you were aliens would you guard it? Exactly.** (At a minimum, I would bring 75 cents for tolls.)
Ted explains that the AUUFE (alien UFO Universe Freeway Entrance) has been used hundreds of times in the last 30 years. If you want to spot some of this traffic, Ted offers this simple advice: "Keep your eye on the handle of the Big Dipper."
*I also didn't know that Bigfoot apparently frequents western Pennsylvania. Now, I've seen a number of people from western Pennsylvania who resemble Bigfoot, but they were eating lunch at Denny's and probably were not actually Bigfoot.
**Blog Hero is in no way responsible for any intergalactic wars that ensue as a result of people will-nilly flying off to Boötes and using the alien UFO Universe Freeway Entrance. Thank you.
That sounds like a great book title, one that would definitely be scooped up by Tobey Maguire or someone and turned into a multi-million dollar movie.
But, it's actually a reference to an AP article via Yahoo! Health: "Ark. obesity report cards scaled back." I confess when I first read this article I sighed and shook my head a little, because the article didn't answer the one question I had while reading it: Does Jeffery have parents? This is how the article started:
Teenager Jeffery Trimble used to wolf down as many as six cheeseburgers in a day and wasn't worried about being overweight. But then his school sent home an obesity report card.
"They let me know that I was at risk of having things like diabetes and a heart attack if I kept going the way I was," Jeffery said. "I knew I was overweight, but I didn't know how bad it could be.;
The 16-year-old Jeffery changed his diet, started exercising and dropped 35 pounds. On the one hand, the school is performing a great service: without this letter, Jeffery wouldn't have had any idea that he was overweight. He would have continued his cheeseburger eating ways for the rest of his life. (As an aside: I've been warning everyone about the dangers of putting cheese on your hamburgers and so, I suppose I have to say at this point: See! Just stop that.)
In any event, being the curious and thorough blogger that I am, I decided to spend ten minutes and search around for more information on this program and Jeffery Trimble. After all, surely someone, SOMEWHERE, is talking about Jeffery's parents.
A quick search turned up this video and this page, "Fitness Witness Video:"
Click to open the video in a new window.
If you watch the video and read the web page, "Fitness Witness Video" you'll see some interesting discrepancies. First, this story apparently takes place in September 2006 - one year ago. That's not mentioned in the AP piece at all, which seems to infer that Trimble's story began this year. ("The 16-year-old Jeffery changed his diet, started exercising and dropped 35 pounds.") The other interesting detail is that Trimble says in the video interview that he could eat 6-7 cheeseburgers a week. The AP article quotes him as saying 6 a day. That's a potential cheeseburger differential of 7 vs. 42 or an extra 35 cheeseburgers a week.
Another interesting note: Trimble says that his epiphany came while he was watching "The Biggest Loser." Perhaps he was watching that program at the recommendation of the school system? But more date problems: Trimble says he saw the television show two years ago, which would be 2004 (I have no idea what this TV show is or when it ran.) Trimble then received some sort of medical referral and joined the "Champions Program" offered by Arkansas' Children's Hospital. This program was the subject of a Food Network documentary earlier this year called "Childhood Obesity: Danger Zone." I haven't seen it, but this press release confirms that it discusses 15-year-old Trimble's story.
Finally, if you watch the entire video - you do find out that not only does Trimble have a mother, she's supportive of his efforts and attends his program. And, she herself has lost 35-40 pounds!
In conclusion, there are a few take-aways here:
1. Never, never, ever research an AP article. What you find will probably confuse and depress you.
2. Never, never, ever put cheese on your burger. Try some tasty broccoli or cauliflower instead.
3. In spite of what the AP reported, Jeffery Trimble appears to have woken up to his weight issues not from a state program but instead from "The Biggest Loser," a television show. He got involved in an exercise and diet program with the active support of his mother (no father is pictured or discussed) and both have lost a significant amount of weight. Trimble's 6 cheeseburgers a week to 6 cheeseburgers a day is a bizarre, perhaps explainable but certainly very relevant discrepancy. And the AP article suggests that Trimble's story occurred with its writing, but seems to have occurred at least as long ago as 2006, and possibly even before that.
(This is what I get for trying to write a quick cheeseburger post. Filed under Aliens/Bigfoot/Elvis because I know at least one is responsible.)
Small update: MSNBC has the AP article which also comes with an AP photo, which says: "Little Rock Central High School junior Jeffery Trimble, 16, plays a field baritone during the school band's rehearsal in Little Rock, Ark. Trimble said his mother received a body mass index report that listed him as obese and that in part led him to seek help through a diet and exercise program." This photo description at least adds the phrase, "in part."
AP Photo/Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Tom Pennington
Photo by Donna Garde on 08/23/07 © Tx. Parks & Wildlife Dept.
A giant spider web the size of fourteen football fields* has been found blanketing a 200-yard stretch of trail in Lake Tawakoni State Park, Texas. The web is likely the work of Spider-Man, A Giant Alien Spider, a species of spider known as the "Southeastern Social Cobweb Spider." Now, the only thing worst than Spider-Man running amuck, or a Giant Alien Spider attacking our parks in Texas, is the discovery that some spiders are social and work together. My skin is crawling just writing this post. Have you ever killed a bug in your house, or had your spouse come running to kill a bug, such as a large, cantaloupe-sized spider, and then for hours I mean HOURS afterwards felt little tingles everywhere on your skin like you missed the cantaloupe-sized spider's brother and he jumped on you when you were busy squashing his sibling and now he's just aimlessly roaming around looking for a place to settle in and have lunch? EXACTLY. But I brave this sort of thing you bring you important news, like the discovery that spiders are working together and socializing and having barbecues and whatnot.
The only other thing that you really need to know about this situation is that the spiders are going after the mosquitos first, then the humans. A human who works at the remains of the North Texas park is quoted in the article above as saying:
"There are times you can literally hear the screech of millions of mosquitoes caught in those webs."
Unfortunately I can't find an audio file of this online anywhere. Surely someone SOMEWHERE recorded this because there would probably be a lot of interest in hearing the screech of millions of mosquitoes. The only thing I could find on the web was this quote in Star Wars:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of mosquitoes suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened."
This was the part of Star Wars where Obi-Wan killed a spider with his Light Saber, and then spent the rest of his trip to Alderaan twitching because he felt like there were bugs crawling under his robes.
*Okay, I made that up.
First I would like to say that I am not dead. One of the challenges with having a blog is that as soon as you take some time off (because your company shipped you out to the west coast) everyone suspects that you're dead. Friends, family members, the postal carrier - all have sent email or called to find out it they were bequeathed my collection of Captain America comic books.
But for now Captain America and his sidekick Bucky are staying put. (Okay, how weird is it that Bucky the sidekick of Captain America has a Wikipedia page? And just for the record, I am referring to the pre-2005 Bucky who was not a homicidal maniac. Sigh. Comics these days.)
So it turns out that I wasn't dead - I was merely in California. I know that might sound similar but there are several key differences between being dead and being in California. For one, the price of gas is much lower when you're dead. (It was $3.13 in Sunnyvale this past weekend.) For another, there are large brand-name restaurant chains when you're dead, like Olive Garden and Outback Steakhouse. In Sunnyvale there are only small Mom & Pop "strip mall" restaurants with names like "Afghani Grill" and "The Food Buffet." Finally, when you're dead you don't have to adjust your watch. When you go to California, you gain three hours that magically disappear when you leave California. So what did I do with those three hours? I did...something, but then I lost those hours and the something I did went away like it never happened, except I think I stepped on a butterfly and I'm pretty sure the human race is doomed now.
Here are a few other highlights:
"Do you want the whole can?"
This is the unbelievable question the stewardess asks you with a completely straight face when you ask for a complementary beverage. Even though I was wracked with guilt I did, in fact, ask for the entire 12 ounces each time.
"Please take off your shoes."
I think airport security has probably crossed some line at making people take off their shoes to get x-rayed. With all of the undressing and whatnot that I had to do at the screening I would almost prefer to just lay down on that conveyer belt and get screened. I had to be concerned about my insulin, my medic alert badge (with optional blog hero signal and decoder), my metallic pocketables - such as my keys, scraps of iron, meat cleavers, chainmail - my bionic knee and my backpack. I know, they're just doing their jobs and we love them. But getting that chainmail on and off quickly is brutal.
"Sunny...Vale."
Sunnyvale is appropriately named. The weather was absolutely beautiful for two of the days I was there. I almost understood why people would brave fires, mudslides, earthquakes, ninjas, the Governator, $3.13 gas and a total lack of Olive Gardens to live there. Almost. The great thing about the weather in State College is that we really appreciate a nice day. (Generally, schools and businesses close and we all go meet at Olive Garden.)
Finally, I would tell you why we went to California but I'm afraid that's classified, and if I told you I'd have to...well you know. Besides, that Weekly World News photographer shadowed us the whole time the CIA was demonstrating the alien weather technology, so the photos will be out there anytime now. I mean. Heh. Just kidding.
 Odds are, if you know what the title of this post means, you've already heard the news. If you don't know, you probably haven't heard the news nor do you care too much. But I love LEGOs too much not to mention this.
A press release on LEGO's site announced that they've picked a developer to work on their MMO - Massively Multiplayer Online game. In addition to the PR, LEGO has a page here where new info looks to be posted.
I've played both Star Wars LEGO games for the Playstation 2 and just loved them. It's such a fun, nostalgic and friendly game. Sure, the Wookie grabs people and rips their arms off, but they're just LEGOs! No blood and gore. No getting shot in the head. It's just a brilliant way to create an adventure game. I would expect that the MMO experience may model those two games - and if they're creative enough they should have Lucas allow them to develop a Star Wars area. It will be interesting to see how this evolves.
This blog's favorite former Canadian Defense Minister, Paul Hellyer, demanded today that world governments release all of their alien technology (which they have been using in secret to inflate the price of toilets) to the public so that we can solve this global warming thing once and for all.
His reasoning is (of course) quite sound: since aliens have to travel millions and millions of miles to get here they clearly have developed some sort of technology that powers their UFOs without the use of fossil fuels. We know this because many, many aliens have visited and yet there isn't a global warming problem in space.
Since aliens have been in contact since Roswell, which happened way back in 1947, we've had this technology for quite some time. Applying it to automobiles would solve two of our biggest problems: 1. the burning of fossil fuels adding carbon dioxide to the atmosphere causing the polar ice caps to melt and 2. the lack of flying cars, which now that it's 2007 is frankly unacceptable.
Article here.
Alert Reader Andrea points out this squid - not giant, gigantic or ginormous - but COLOSSAL. It was caught south of New Zealand, which makes me wonder if it escaped from some filming being done there - like King Kong or Lord of the Rings. I think there was a Colossal Squid in the last part of Return of the King, wasn't there? (Spoilers coming) Yeah, at the end Frodo tries to throw the ring into the fires of Mt. Doom only to be snatched up by a colossal squid. Which I have to tell you is terribly disappointing when you're reading the books as a young boy and you've gotten through all five billion pages only to find out that Frodo is eaten by a squid.
FOX News has the article here. Complete with bloated squid photo (you were warned...)
How cool is this? And I'm not even making it up this time!
"Monster-size, deep-sea squid that use their glowing arms to blind and stun their prey have been filmed in the wild for the first time, scientists say."
National Geographic Link to Monster Glowing Squid that uses their glowing arms to blind and stun their prey article.
Alert Reader Mark has sent in this unbelievable story: "Giant Purple Space Potato Attacks China!"
Apparently a Chinese space project to grow vegetables in outer space has gone terribly awry, resulting in...hold on, that's the phone (checks caller id) sorry it's my lawyer I have to take this. "Hello? Yes, Yurgi. What? I can't kill the space potato story! What? But I just spent seven whole minutes drawing the... They will? They do? Oh. Okay, thanks."
Sorry folks, apparently the Chinese are very sensitive about this story. They've asked that I state unequivocally that there are NO giant purple space potatoes, that they have NOT in fact attacked China, and that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. What I actually meant to say was that China is growing small very harmless but quite tasty purple potatoes. And that you can read the official very true not made up definitely not a cover story here. Thank you.
At first, I thought scientists in Japan had caught a rare prehistoric goblin. This would have finally answered the centuries old questions of "Are there prehistoric goblins?" and "Do they live in Japan?" and "Are they hoarding dwarven gold and artificially manipulating the price of gold on international precious metal markets?" I pictured a media feeding frenzy, not unlike the one that recently occurred with Anna Nicole Smith, where the goblin would appear on Larry King Live, and Hannity and Colmes, and Nancy Grace with a little caption at the bottom the reads "Goblin Gold: Will the dwarves sue?"
It turns out, however, that the title actually read: Rare "Prehistoric" Goblin Shark Caught in Japan. Not only that, but the goblin shark did not have any dwarven gold, nor did it live long enough to appear on Larry King's show.
"They also move erratically about the lab, rolling around on the floor, bouncing off objects, and burning whatever they touch."
At first I thought this was an article about Henry, as I often see him rolling around on the floor, and bouncing off objects, and moving erratically. He will often burn whatever he touches too, which is a real hassle since I sit next to him and he keeps borrowing my phone book.
But no, this is an article about ball lightning. Wikipedia has a great article on ball lightning, including an old photo of some ball lightning entering a saloon to get a cold, frosty beer. (I'm firmly convinced that Wikipedia is written by aliens; there's really no other explanation.)
In any event, scientists in Brazil may have solved the ball lightning mystery. To review, the mystery is "Where does it come from? What does it want? Why doesn't it just approach our leaders and try to open a peaceful dialog?" The article really doesn't answer all of these questions to my satisfaction. Apparently silicon is involved. As many people know, silicon occurs naturally in, um, nature and since it's so plentiful it could explain how ball lightning forms just about everywhere, including up-scale saloons.
If you have any questions after reading the article feel free to post them in the comments. I've been contacted by ball lightning and may be able to pass along a question or two.
 I appreciate the effort here, really. I know everyone is working as hard as possible. But I have to say I'm a little disappointed.
First, if you're going to unveil a ray gun it can't be as big as a Hummer. Everyone knows that ray guns are hand-held weapons, because only then can they be concealed properly until the right moment, at which point you pull out the ray gun from your pants or a pocket or from under your hat and point it at your enemy with a triumphant, "A-HA!"
Second, the ray gun that the military has developed shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they will catch on fire. What? Whatever happened to shooting a beam that actually makes people burst into flames? Eventually people are going to figure out that they're not catching on fire. And you KNOW some super villain somewhere is now trying to leapfrog this technology and create weapon that makes you feel like you're going to catch on fire, AND makes you feel like you don't look good in that dress. And where will all of this end? They should either work on the ray gun that makes you feel like you just need to go home and nap, or a weapon that makes you catch on fire. Let's just get the job done.
CNN article. Photo courtesy CNN/AP.
(With apologies to Douglas Adams.) Max Mayfield, the former director of the National Hurricane Center, departs his job with a message for the United States (and, especially, southern Florida) - Run! Run for Your Lives!
Okay, I made that up - but his message isn't much different. Max is convinced (despite his otherwise optimistic nature) that we're living on borrowed time and it's inevitable that we're going to see a major hurricane hit a populated area like southern Florida. In fact, this article talks about his "apocalyptic vision" of thousands dead and millions homeless.
I often wonder what would happen if you have a massive storm target southern Florida - because you really have no place to run. You can drive north, but everyone would be driving north, and it wouldn't be hard for a storm to change direction slightly and move north also, trapping everyone on the roads during a category 5. I know, it sounds like a made-for-TV movie, starring Victoria Principal, Brian Dennehy and Nipsey Russell* as the NHC Meteorologist trying (unsuccessfully) to warn everyone in time. But, it's a possibility, at least to Max Mayfield. (I mean, the hurricane not the movie.)
All the best to Max as he leaves the NHC and pursues a more calm life outside of government.
(*I've heard the rumors that Nipsey Russell died in October of 2005 but refuse to believe them. There have been many, many Nipsey sightings since then, the latest and most credible at a IHOP in Tennessee just this past December, although Nipsey was apparently dressed as Santa at the time.)
He was found dead, unfortunately. Fossils were recently discovered in Spain that researchers believe belong to one of the largest dinosaurs - and the largest found in Europe so far - ever. Turiasaurus riodevensis would have been 30 to 37 metres long, and would have weighed between 40 and 48 tonnes. Or, in Bizarre American Units that would be 120 feet long and 105,821.886 pounds (give or take.)
Based on the fossils uncovered, as well as some detailed photographs found in his wallet, researchers were able to work with forensic artists to create the following picture of the great beast:
You'll see that the Death Star has been inserted next to the dinosaur to give you an idea of its size. It should be noted that no actual Death Star has (yet) been found in Spain.
You can read all of the real news here at the BBC.
 My AccuWeather Nemesis, Henry, has a new video experiment underway. The really disturbing part is that he's using an iSight camera hooked to his laptop, so he's actually filming at his desk, which is right next to my desk. In fact, you can see me walk across the background during his first video today. I then sit down at my desk, which is directly behind the camera, and you can see his reaction. If he thought it was hard keeping a straight face today, wait until I get to the store for various props with which to torture him. The iSight mic also picks up a lot of ambient sound, such as my Macintosh booting up.
Some of you know my intense dislike of being captured on film - particularly video - similar to Bigfoot, Elvis and most aliens. (All of whom, incidentally, are quite skilled at avoiding the camera except maybe Elvis who has been picked up on one too many convenience store security cameras as far as I'm concerned.) So having live filming right at my desk is uncomfortable enough. You can only imagine what it's like having Henry doing the filming.
And speaking of Henry, I received a snowblower update the other day. The snowblower was having technical difficulties, and for a moment my heart soared. But then Henry explained that he had it fixed. So it seems like winter is dead. In fact, State College may hit a record high temperature tomorrow. If you watch his video, you'll doubt hear me yelling from time to time, "What about the SNOWBLOWER Henry?!" I'll probably yell that at the end of the video, so he'll be less inclined to re-shoot.
No sooner do I let people know that they can buy real estate on the moon than NASA announces plans to construct an outpost at one the moon's poles. Furthermore, they've apparently rendered null and void any previous sales of Moon Real Estate. All to cover-up the well-known comings and goings of aliens who use laser beams from space to steer hurricanes.
If not, definitely a sign of, you know, the chapters right before the end. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't covered in Henry's my nemesis' blog: "Plan to create human-cow embryos". Isn't this how most sci-fi/horror movies start out? You're introduced to a group of people. Most of them have obvious character defects that cause you to hate them almost immediately. One or two of them seem nice enough, and probably say early in the movie, "No! Mixing cows and humans can only result in a genetic mutant Cowman abomination that will surely destroy us all!" Of course, they won't be heeded. And the scientists will go on to make the Cowman, which will turn out to be a genetic mutant abomination that will destroy the entire cast except for the one or two sympathetic characters. In the end, the cowman will be killed...or, will he? What's that rising from the fog-enshrouded, muck-encrusted swamp? Is it...yes! A bovine hoof thrusts out of the water!
Fade to black. Start filming Cowman 2: Udder Death.
 Amazing Sea Monster Photo ©Tor Sponga, courtesy Natural History Museum, University of Oslo, Norway Today the following title appeared in my RSS reader, courtesy National Geographic:
Photo Gallery: "Sea Monster" Graveyard Found in the Arctic
And when I clicked through I saw the Amazing Sea Monster Photo that I have displayed at right. I was blown away. I mean, these National Geographic photographers capture some unbelievable things on film, but a Giant Sea Monster eating another Giant Sea Monster? What are the odds?
Then I read this bit under the photo:
A 33-foot-long (10-meter-long) marine reptile dubbed "the Monster" leaps from the water to snare a smaller reptile known as a plesiosaur in this artist's interpretation.
Oh. Artist's interpretation. Really, if they're going to put drawings in there they shouldn't call it a photo gallery. That will just lead to misunderstandings and disappointment.
Sigh.
This just came across the wire:*
As you can plainly see, the earthquake that occurred today in the Gulf of Mexico was indeed caused by Godzilla. Furthermore, Godzilla is quite angry and on the move. You should keep in mind that this Godzilla Warning Graphic features the Godzilla Cone of Movement™. While there is a line plotted here to show the most likely path Godzilla will take, people should not focus on the line. Focus on the cone - because even a slight deviation in the movement of Godzilla could result in landfall anywhere within this cone.
Currently the most likely landfall will occur in the St. Pete/Tampa area. Already the combined forces of Homeland Security and FEMA are being marshaled. As such, Governor Jeb Bush has declared a state of emergency and asked that everyone south of Gainesville save themselves and flee to Houston.
People are reminded that this is a dangerous monster. Damage to structures and power lines within the path of Godzilla is extremely likely and will be severe. Please DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO and ride out the monster. Board up your home, secure your pets and leave the area as soon as possible. States beginning with the letters "I" "K" and "O" are designated safe states and are good places to ride out the monster.
Once Godzilla makes landfall, he's expected to continue north and east until he hits Daytona Beach, where he will pick up a "Life's a Beach" towel and an oval bumper sticker that reads "DB" before he returns to the ocean.
Further bulletins as events warrant.
*Usually Alert Reader Tammy just stopped by and took a look at the map and wanted to know when that happened, and what was going to hit Florida and why there hasn't been anything on the news. I tried to explain about Godzilla and the earthquake and FEMA not wanting anyone to panic, etc., but she just sort of stared at me. So, after a brief phone call with the Blog Hero Legal Team, I've been instructed to add this clarifying disclaimer:
Godzilla™ is a trademark of Japanese entertainment company Toho. Toho is not responsible for any damage or panic that Godzilla™ causes. Any warning information about Godzilla™ that this blog issues is provided "as is" and no warranty, expressed, instant, dehydrated or otherwise, is inferred, interned, chauffeured or bean curd. Thank you.
At 8:56 a.m. Sunday, or 14:56:07 Coordinated Universal Time, which I think is only observed on Neptune, in certain offices at the United Nations, and in parts of Iowa, a maginitude 6.0 earthquake jiggled jimmied rattled shook the Gulf of Mexico. Thankfully there are no reports of any injuries, damage, or tsunamis. In fact, the quake was not sufficient enough to even warrant a tsunami warming, watch, or panic.
The USGS site has a number of maps, including a link to a Google Map, so you can see exactly where this happened. Reuters has a good story here (albeit sans photos.) People in Georgia, Alabama, Florida and Louisiana felt the quake, and some actually Experienced Vibrating Buildings.
While this could be a completely natural event, there are also other - more serious - possibilities:
1. The Japanese Mafia, defeated by their ancient rival El Niño, have given up on the hurricane machine altogether, and have just scored a Russian-Made Cold War Era Earthquake Machine from eBay.
2. After drilling down 20,000 feet, Chevron broke through to the hollow center of the earth, and it's only a matter of days before the planet implodes.
3. As everyone knows, there is always a magnitude 6.0 quake before Godzilla appears and unleashes havoc on some coastal community.
I'm betting on... 3. Someone should notify Tampa that a Severe Giant Radioactive Lizard Watch is in effect.
I may have to comment on this later, although it pretty much speaks for itself. Man Moon: We Saw a UFO. If anyone sees the interview drop me a note, I would love to hear what he said in more detail.
In a story destined to blast across the net, new "research" shows that gray-cheeked mangabay monkeys select fruit according to their knowledge of the weather. Link.
A group of Monkey Scientists studied data on monkey visits to fig trees, temperature and sunlight. Ordinarily, you wouldn't think to coordinate temperature and fig tree visits, but this is actually ingenious. I say that because every time it's above 90 degrees here in State College I visit Dairy Queen, which means that I get a tasty ice cream treat but, more importantly, I'm not smarter than your average gray-cheeked mangabay monkey. It also explains why the pimply-faced drive thru boy always yells, to someone in the back, "Mangabey is back!"
In any event, the Monkey Scientists noticed that the monkeys (gray-cheeked mangabeys) were visiting after temperatures were high and the level of sunlight was high. You might read that as, "Monkeys (gray-cheecked mangabeys) tend to not visit figs when it's raining," but it seems to go a lot deeper than that.
I'll now open the comments up to people who want to compare monkeys (gray-cheeked mangabeys or otherwise) to meteorologists. *I*, of course, would never do that.
Mangabeys at the San Diego Zoo
I have to gives Kudos here to Governor Jeb Bush, who doesn't mince words when it comes to hurricane stuff. Florida is all over the preparation thing, with tax-free hurricane days (where you can get generators, plywood and emergency boxes of delicious golden Twinkies® all tax free) (they keep for months!) and hurricane practice drills and a giant hurricane mascot named "Surgie" who travels from town to town yelling "CAT FIVE COMIN'! CAT FIVE COMIN'!" and when people come out to see what the ruckus is he sprays them in the face with a super soaker. I mean, c'mon that will get your attention.
So not only is the preparation thing covered well, but when a storm comes Governor Jeb Bush and team tell it like it is. Today, as Alberto was approaching, Governor Jeb Bush was calm, soothing and authoritative as he told the media and Floridians: "Get out NOW! GET OUT! Don't make me come down there!"
I suspect a lot of this comes from experience, which Florida has in spades. (You know, I really don't know what that means. Is that spades like cards? Does anyone know what that really means? I think it means a lot - at least that's how I meant it.) In fact, in the last three years Florida has been hit by 25 tropical storms and hurricanes. In a row.
In this website photo, Governor Jeb Bush (age: 15) stares serenely at the camera while a giant Florida logo sneaks up on him.
And finally, a bit of trivia. Did you know that Governor Jeb Bush is married? I had no idea; I can't recall one mention of his wife in the media. And her name is Columba. Site here. Floridians, she would like to connect with you. Drop her a note.
 I came home today and found an ugly doll on my keyboard. My first thought was, "Someone in my family bought me an ugly doll." My second thought, which followed almost immediately, was, "Someone is probably making obscene amounts of money selling ugly dolls."
The ugly doll in question is BABO. BABO likes potato chips, according to the card that's attached to his mid-section. BABO also has "my back covered" which will be useful with a homicidal cat running about.
It turns out that Alert Reader Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, bought BABO for me. She picked him from many other ugly dolls, all of which you can see here at the ugly dolls website. At first I wasn't sure about getting an ugly doll - is that a good thing or is someone trying to tell you something? But BABO has grown on me. After doing some research and "googling" I discovered that the BABO ugly doll is actually fashioned after BABO, PURPLE POTENTATE of PERDITION, who fought Godzilla in that classic GODZILLA vs. BABO. As you'll no doubt remember, BABO ended up switching sides and becoming a good monster who helped GODZILLA destroy ANDROID GODZILLA, saving countless Japanese soldiers and power lines. BABO has since become something of a world traveler, and has visited a number of important tourist spots.
BABO is highlighted to help you find him
Look for the regular feature, "POSTCARDS FROM BABO" in future posts.
Well. I can't even believe I read this article. But it certainly explains a thing or two.
Recently, Elvis Presley's Tennessee Home sold for $905,100 on eBay. The winner was Uri Geller, a man famous for bending spoons, cooked angel hair pasta, newspapers, rules and the truth with his mind. (Via his psychic powers, natch.) At this point you're probably thinking, "How can someone bend cooked angel hair pasta?" You may also be thinking, "What does this have to do with Carl?" Ha! I'm glad you asked that. I mean, the second question, not the angel hair pasta question.
When I initially found out that Mr. Geller had won the auction I was obviously disappointed. My bid of $905,098.50 apparently was not enough to win the house. And hey, I can accept that. But it's what happened leading up to the close of the auction that really upsets me - and even moreso, now that Mr. Geller has disclosed certain details.
Mr. Geller claims that the radio played Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender" at the close of the auction. And that he knew, then, that he would win.
This is extremely hard to accept. For you see, at the closing moments of the auction I was multi-tasking in my office with the television on (volume set to mute), the radio on (tuned in to the local rap station) while surfing the web. I normally would have been watching the auction, but I knew my bid of $905,098.50 would be tough to beat. And then, IT happened.
The rap station started playing "Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley. I looked over at the television and saw an infomercial selling a Velvet Elvis. And then I glanced back at the computer, and a news story had come up in my RSS reader that contained the words "Pink" AND "Cadillac." (For the record, it was "Members of Pink Flamingo Gang Steal Cadillac, Large Inflatible Duck, Garden Tools") This was obviously some sort of Sign; Elvis himself was telling me that the house was as good as mine.
And then I found out I lost, by $1.50 to RealUriGeller141 and "Love Me Tender." Sigh.
Life can be cruel to a heart that's true.
It turns out that the "Woolly Booger" is what folks in Texas call Bigfoot. I have no idea why they call him this; if I was Bigfoot I would be terribly put out being called a Woolly Booger. But this may actually be the plan: Come up with a really derogatory name for Bigfoot, call him that to get him all incensed, and flush him out into the open. (You know, Bigfoot Rage.) So far though Bigfoot has not been flushed out into the open, nor has he retained a lawyer for a defamation suit. The big booger.
You can find the article here. There are two other interesting items to be found in this article. The first is that there is a "Bigfoot in Texas?" museum exhibition at the Institute of Texan Cultures at the University of Texas, San Antonio. Our resident San Antonio reader should get down there pronto with a camera and scope things out. The exhibition runs from April 7 to July 30. (In case anyone is trying to come up with a summer vacation plan.)
The second item is that Joe Nickell, senior research fellow for the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal, says that we can't prove that there are no leprechauns. The inference here is that we also can't prove there ARE leprechauns. This is tremendously disappointing, because I'm pretty sure that there are leprechauns. There's at least three that work at AccuWeather. But not provable? What we need is some sort of plan, to flush them out of hiding. The little green boogers.
I confess I didn't know what to call this post, or even if I should post it. I generally dislike posting bad news. But when you have a blog it becomes cathartic to comment on certain things.
This article is fascinating for what it doesn't say, more than what it says. What it says is that 13-year-old Zhang Xiaoyi jumped to his death from a tall building after playing "Warcraft" online for 36 hours straight. His parents are suing the Chinese distributor of the software.
What it doesn't say is what in the world was he doing playing Warcraft for 36 hours straight and where were his parents? (I can't think of anything I can, or would want to, do for 36 hours straight.) I did a little more digging, and found this article which had some more information but still didn't answer what I think is the obvious question. It mentioned he was a "brilliant junior high school student" and played in a "game hall." But he died from "the top of the 24-story building in which he lived with his family."
I don't know, I just don't get it. The parents also tried unsuccessfully to sue the maker of the game.
A particularly sad footnote to the whole story is that the family is suing the distributor for 100,000 yuan, or about $12,500 dollars. A Hug Your Kids and Get Them Off The Darn Computer watch is in effect for the entire weekend.
There's been some discussion about me picking up 38below again at AccuWeather. The pros and cons of doing so are many, and I have a good long list to consider. For example, I'm not sure how many Bigfoot updates I would be able to do. There's the question of what happens to the Blog Hero - does he get stuck in a phone booth? Eat a kryptonite* bagel? Fly around the Earth at super speed in the opposite direction of the Earth's natural rotation causing the Earth to actually spin backwards which as we all know would cause time itself to reverse?
The item on the Pro side (well, maybe there's two) is that I could step in for hurricane season, which I did enjoy. I mean, I enjoyed blogging during hurricane season, not that I enjoyed the hurricane season itself. The weather's pretty quiet though - maybe hurricane season will be calm. (Pause for laughter.)
In any event, if you have an opinion on this one way or another drop me a note or leave a comment. All of you are quite astute and show a good bit of perspicaciousness, and I enjoy hearing what you think.
*No, not that kryptonite, the other kyptonite.
I know I should probably just drop this story, but I've gone this far so what the hey. Apparently word is out (as predicted) about what John Lennon (the dead one) said to TV seance crew. The show aired Monday night.
Apparently he said (and no, I'm not making this up) "Peace ... The Message is Peace."
Now I didn't see the show, but I would imagine that it's difficult to talk from the Great Beyond, and reception is poor. As such, it's entirely likely that he said something like this: "Piece ... I'm Missing a Piece ... of Pizza." This would be terrible news, as one of the things I'm looking forward to one day is eating all of the pizza I can, which would be a lot if you have an entire eternity to do it in. (This would also give you ample time to experiment with toppings.)
It's also possible he actually said: "Please ... The Dressage needs Greased." I confess, I have no idea what this would mean. I'm just saying it's a possibility.
Did anyone actually see this? You can leave a comment and do so anonymously - I mean, if you want to. No need to identify yourself.
I'm...well, speechless. Link. That 2006 Expedition Patch is as good as bought.
Apparently the Berita Harian newspaper in Malaysia claimed that a young Bigfoot has been captured by the Wildlife and National Parks Department near Kota Tinggi in Malaysia. You can read about it here. Of course, Malaysian Wildlife Officials (MWOs) are denying this. But really, if YOU caught a baby Bigfoot would you tell anyone? No. Exactly.
I was curious about this whole baby Bigfoot thing, so I did some research. These beasts are huge! Here's a size comparison:
As you can see, the baby Bigfoots (Bigfeet) are still quite impressive at 10' tall. More than a match for most MWOs, even the more wily ones. Still, a well placed tranquilizer dart or twenty could do the job.
So why am I so sure the MWOs actually bagged a baby Bigfoot? Well, this story from the New Straits Times Online talked about the Johor Government making it illegal to transport a Bigfoot out of state. Coincidence? Ha!
I saw him last night. I know, to everyone else he just looked like a middle-aged man, about 5'6", thin and neatly dressed. But he wasn't human, no way.
I saw him at the grocery store. I had gone in to get a few "stomach relief" items and was waiting in the "U Scan" aisle. This is the aisle where you can use a kiosk to ring up your own items and then pay for them. I was directly behind this guy. He proceed to ring up his items about as slowly as is possible without looking like you're purposefully creating a delay. Pick up the package. Examine EVERY SINGLE SIDE for the bar code; find the bar code on the last side checked. Rub the barcode over the scanner Three Billion Times. Have the item finally ring up. Then start all over again.
At this point I had steeled myself for the delay. I was pacing myself...I felt that I would probably make it okay. And then he was finished and had to pay. Credit card? Nope. Debit card? Nope. Cash and CHANGE. I watched in disbelief as he started feeding nickels into the machine. I didn't even know you could DO that.
Well, finally it was over, and I prepared to check out. I had paced myself and my patience had just barely lasted. But then, unbelievably, I mean unbelievable like seeing Bigfoot returning shopping carts, he started ALL OVER AGAIN. He had, for some reason, two "orders." And yes, the same exact process, including paying with change at the end.
It was at that point that I realized what I was dealing with. This was clearly an alien scout sent to test the patience and mettle of the folks in State College, Pennsylvania in advance of the invading army. These field scouts are gathering intelligence on our society, commerce, delicious breakfast snacks, as well as our patience, strengths and weaknesses.
The rest of the army can't be far off now.
Alert Reader Chris sent in a "Giant Block of Falling Ice" story. I had discussed the Falling Ice Phenomenon here before. Suspiciously, Barry Manilow again was not found to be anywhere near the incident. But UFO sightings in the Loma Linda area were up 14000%.
Hmmm.
Alert Reader Dan sent in this article concerning the phenomenon of Giant Ice Chunks falling from the sky. Here's what we know:
1. Ice has been falling out of the sky
2. Sometimes the ice is Very Big (200 lbs)
3. Sometimes the ice falls out of the clear sky
4. The ice is "clear and free of debris"
5. In all cases, Barry Manilow was no where nearby
So what are we to make of this? I've actually spent a great deal of time studying the problem, and the solution is quite obvious. While the evidence seems to rule out aircraft as a source of the ice, it does not rule out alien spacecraft. Aliens usually park their spacecraft on the tops of tall mountains, where it's cold and snowy. (This way, see, no one will notice them.) While parked there, the warm underbelly of the spacecraft melts the snow and ice, making it all wet and mushy. Then, when the spacecraft takes off again, the ice reforms underneath. Eventually the spacecraft uses its Hyperdrive to blast off to the dark side of the moon, and this sudden increase in velocity dislodges the ice, causing it to fall. If you read the article, you'll see that these ice events have occurred in "China, Spain, Italy, Czech Republic, Scotland, Hungary, England, India and more than half of the United States" which are all (not coincidentally!) places where spacecraft are frequently sighted.
No need to thank me, I'm happy to clear these things up.
|
|
RSS:
