December 2009
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
Main
I suppose that's not entirely fair (nor is tagging this entry "Disaster") but sometimes it's "caveat emptor" with the health care industry. I know some of you who were paying attention to my Facebook page or maybe my Twitter feed are aware that I had a bad time at the hospital in December. Actually, if you were watching my Twitter feed you probably thought I died because my entries there weren't terribly optimistic - or complete, and I think the last update was something like "Kidneys...failing...tired...going black...aaaaauuuugggghhhh."
 The story is that I was experiencing some severe back pain and had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad headache (with apologies to Alexander) back in December. I also had other symptoms, some of which fell under the medical definition "gross." In all they spelled category: disaster, or at least a trip to the ER, which I made grudgingly mostly because I'm a male and well we take a oath not to seek medical attention unless forced to, usually by an Alert Rational Thinking Spouse.
At the ER they gave me morphine, for which I am extremely grateful and really it doesn't matter how much the bill is afterwards, the morphine is always worth it. They also did a spinal tap, as in sticking something in my spine, which even on a great day and completely free (and with a t-shirt that says "I got a spinal tap and this free t-shirt") is NEVER worth it. But it apparently helped diagnose me as having viral meningitis. Other diagnoses which fall under the medical procedure list of "Look at Patient" determined I had shingles. (Shingles sounds like a first-time home owner issue but is actually a reoccurrence of the chicken pox virus. VIRUS. This is important for our tale.)
The ER decided that I should be admitted to the hospital, without any kind of free t-shirt, and given an anti-viral drug. This is a drug that is supposed to scare viruses off, sort of like the equivalent of showing them The View over and over again. (With apologies to any View watchers in the audience, particularly those that resemble Elisabeth Hasselbeck.) (You know who you are.)
The problem with some anti-viral drugs, and The View for that matter, is that they can cause crystals to form in your kidneys. These are not attractive, gemstone quality crystals that might appear on QVC during the Tanzanite White Gold Earring Special Hour. These are crystals that clog up your kidneys. Think of your house's air filter which you haven't checked on in four months because really who thinks about the air filter? I don't and man when you pull that thing out boy are you embarrassed. I mean, you know, other people are embarrassed.
Well, now I was in the hospital with shingles, viral meningitis and no kidneys. The medical staff was very gentle with me. ("Your kidneys have shut down. Sorry about that.") I, meanwhile, was feeling the effects of having no kidneys, which is to say that I was seated in front of the toilet for 36 hours. It takes 36 hours to convince the medical staff at the hospital that you're really, seriously nauseated and that they should give you something for that via an IV because there's no point in trying to swallow anything.
The course of action the hospital took, which coincidentally is listed in medical books under the chapter "We Stopped Up His Kidneys Now What," was to give me IV fluids (they call them "fluids" in the hospital, but I think it's just a bag of water) until these crystals were flushed out of my kidneys. That took about a week. All told I was in the hospital for ten days. The bill the hospital submitted to the insurance company was something like five thousand dollars. Thousand with a T. I only point out the cost because of the irony: if I had not been admitted, I would have likely (eventually) gotten over what I had and there would have been no problems and no thousands (with a T.)*
In any event, both shingles and viral meningitis can cause pain even after they've left the body/gotten killed off/become bored with you. This pain, according to medical dictionaries, only lasts "zero to 36 months." I'm in the second month now and still having back pain, which is to say pain in my back, which feels like someone sticking a dull, red-hot poker in my back. Or, doing a spinal tap. With a dull, red-hot poker.
I do have some pain medication. Vicodin, which is latin for "Uhhhhhhhh, yeeaahhhh" which is about all I can say or do while taking it. I also have lidocaine patches, which are self-adhesive, although sticking a self-adhesive pain patch on your own back is challenging, especially if you're trying hard not to miss Whoopi and Elisabeth go at it. I also have another drug, Gabapentin, which is a rare form of "generic drug" that still costs a billion dollars (with a B.) Why this is, I'm not sure. This specific drug is designed to help with neuropathic pain. Before you think that means "pain in your head" (instead of the back) neuropathic pain is pain caused by damaged nerves, which is what shingles can do.
Fortunately gabapentin only has a few side effects including (and no I am not making this up) drowsiness, dizziness, unsteadiness, fatigue, vision changes, weight gain, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, tremor or shaking, swelling of extremities, loss of coordination, mental/mood changes, persistent sore throat/fever/cough, unusual bleeding/bruising, pain/redness of arms or legs, chest pain, trouble breathing, fast/slow/irregular heartbeat, hearing loss, and stomach/abdominal pain.
I'd write more, but I think you're up to date now, and my large, swollen, painful, red limbs are making typing difficult. And I need a drink of water. And...what? Did you say something?
*I think there was a possibility that I could have gone from meningitis to encephalitis. Meningitis, which I'm really starting to get tired of typing, is an inflammation of the protective membrane of the brain. Encephalitis, which if spelled correctly is miraculous, is an inflammation of the brain itself. The brain hates to be inflamed, which is exactly what happens during The View marathons. So the hospital, in their defense, was possibly maybe if-you-want-to-cut-them-some-slack thinking they were helping out. Sort of. Barbara Walters was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing, but her Facebook status read: Yes this is the real Barbara Walters stop asking.
I know, you are probably wondering how I find this stuff. I obviously can't say as it's a trade secret.
The Sci-Fi channel has an "original movie" airing soon. Here's a screen capture from their site:
In case you missed that bit at the bottom which explains what this movie is about, it reads: "She's an ex-model. He's an elite commando. They're going to solve global warming - by stopping the aliens who are causing it!" There are a couple of take-aways here that you'll want to note:
1. Global warming is real. Never in the description is global warming in doubt.
2. Man is NOT causing global warming. This is a huge relief. We can all go back to our SUVs and air conditioning and flatulating cows now.
3. Aliens exist.
4. Aliens are causing global warming. I have no idea why they would do this but one can assume it's because aliens dislike us, our planet or our flatulating cows.
5. The aliens are no match for an ex-model and an elite commando.
I for one will be rushing out to get TIVO so that I can make sure I don't miss this new Sci-Fi channel documentary.
I confess I don't know what that would be (the sound of a sigh caught in a black hole) but I thought the phrase would make a great blog post title. It seems very deep, like the "sound of one hand clapping" until you think about it and realize that it's completely meaningless. I suppose a sigh caught in a black hole would sound like siiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There might even be a pfffft! right at the end there when it crosses the event horizon. For more on sighing and black holes and event horizons consult your local wikipedia.
Some of you have wondered why I haven't been posting as regularly as in the past. Some surmised I was in a terrible corn canning accident. Others have suggested that the Japanese Mafia finally caught up with me late one night at Wal-Mart, during an ill-fated Twinkies and Pepsi run. A few inquired about my health, given all of the bionics from poorly waged light saber battles and my diet of Twinkies and Pepsi. All good guesses, of course, but in truth I was on vacation at Disney World for the last six months.*
As proof I offer this photo snapped at EPCOT. It is part of the current Tin Toy exhibit being held in the Japan section of EPCOT, right behind the Japanese Mafia booth - which I carefully circumvented while dressed in my Speed Racer disguise. I think this is a Tin Godzilla, desperately in search of some Tin Japanese Soldiers to stomp on. He had just stomped on the Mach 5, Speed Racer and his box office receipts - but was still hungry.
*Okay, I made that up. I can hardly afford to put gas in my well-made but gas-guzzling SUV let alone vacation at Disney World for six months. But vacation is, after all, just a state of mind.
I try to avoid the really, really, REALLY depressing stories that I come across, but sometimes you read something so heinous you actually feel a responsibility to share it so that everyone on earth knows about it.
So, this is one of those stories. I'll caution you now, it's depressing, outrageous, nauseating, and utterly dismaying. So, I guess you were warned.
But if you can, click here to read about Megan Meier and Josh Evans, their relationship on MySpace and the awful, bizarre turn it took.
Filed under: Disaster because that's the closest category I have to describing this.
 I missed a post yesterday, which means no one will ever see the sticky 8 I created. Maybe I'll link to it in a future post, so those of you collecting at home will have a full set.
I've been working on a number of consulting projects in addition to the regular weather fare, which has been keeping me up late and interfering with the important things in life like blogging and family. Well, blogging. We have quality family time all of the time, with my family coming up to me and saying things like, "You missed a day," and "What happened to 8?" See, you think I do this for my Google Adsense program (which is up to a whopping $9.43) but actually I do it for the family. The kids think it's actually a treat when I turn on the computer's text to speech function and have it read my blog. And I'd have to agree there's nothing quite so funny as having your computer say, "Golden Delicious Hostess Twinkies." (It does a surprisingly good job too.)
We're starting to make a dent in the list. Teachers have been contacted, special clothes have been purchased, our drugs have arrived from Canada. The special clothes include head-to-toe mosquito proof suits for enjoying the great Floridian Outdoors. The Canadian drugs was a last minute addition: I received an email that said I could purchase valium for a fraction of what it would cost to get it from my doctor legitimately.*
Tomorrow will be day six and yes I have a sticker for that. But, it will also be a Friday, so I've had to add some things to the list. "Get up," "brush teeth," and "eat three square meals" have all been added in the hopes of giving me some momentum. We'll see.
*The Blog Hero Legal Team, also known as "Sven," has asked me to add the following statement: The Blog Hero, Blog Hero, Inc., Blog Hero LLC, Blog Hero Etc., Blog Hero E I E I O, in no way endorses the obtaining of drugs improperly from Canada, or Mexico, or Florida, or really any other place, nor does same endorse Canada, Mexico, the Loonie, the current value of the Loonie against the U.S. Dollar, or the Japanese Mafia. Please consult your doctor about any health care decisions you make. Side effects include drowsiness, fatigue, a tired feeling, a sleepy tired feeling, dry tongue, insomnia, headaches, an annoying burning rash in an unfortunate place, growing extra limbs, liver rot, heat vision, and eventually death.
Alert Reader Wendy points me to this article that may document the opening salvo of an alien attack: Mystery illness strikes after meteorite hits Peruvian village.
Apparently a meteorite crashed in all its fiery glory in souther Peru, and then villagers developed a mysterious illness. Residents have complained of headaches and vomiting brought on by a "strange odor." Of course, a synonym for strange is "alien," so what we have here is an illness caused by an "alien odor." Seven policemen were among those who were sickened.
No word on what was found in the meteorite crater, although "boiling water started coming out of the crater and particles of rock and cinders were found nearby." No word of an alien space ship or little smelly aliens or anything like that.
Amateur astronomers are pretty sure the meteorite came from the constellation Big Boötes, which as we all know is the site of the alien UFO Universe Freeway Entrance.
A second quake has struck Indonesia for the second straight day. Quake location:
View Larger Map
The quake was a 7.8, and another tsunami warning was issued. More from MSNBC.com.
A quake with a preliminary magnitude of 8.2 on the Richter scale hit Indonesia, triggering tsunami warnings all along the Indian Ocean. Map of the tsunami location:
View Larger Map
A wave of up to 9 feet reportedly hit Padang about 20 minutes after the quake. So far one person is reported dead and dozens are missing.
Article via CBSNews.com
The BBC has an amazing slide show of about ten photos on Felix here, including this shot from the AP:
Destroyed homes and trees lay scattered in Sandy Bay, Nicaragua after the eye of Hurricane Felix passed over the area. ©AP Photo/Oscar Navarette
The death toll has risen to 65, although it's expected to rise even further, and tens of thousands are homeless.
Felix actually strengthen overnight and made landfall as a category 5 storm on the northeastern coast of Nicaragua. It's expected to have an 18' storm surge and produce 5-10 inches of rain, with up to 20 inches in the mountains. Here's a current sat shot:
Satellite Image courtesy George Clooney, Inc.
Authorities in Honduras and Nicaragua and not mincing words about Hurricane Felix as they told coastal residents to 'flee for their lives' according to this IOL article. The storm is raising the specter of a Mitch-like disaster. Hurricane Mitch was the slow-moving 1998 category five storm that dropped up to 75 inches of rain (according to some unofficial reports) on parts of Honduras and Nicaragua. 11,000 people died and 8,000 were left missing by the end of 1998 - the second deadliest Atlantic hurricane in history.
The IOL article goes on to mention that one of the NOAA planes flying into Felix had to turn back because of a "rapid updraft-downdraft cycle" that put four Gs on the plane.
No, sadly that's not the name of the new dance that Carl is learning. We know this because Carl does not possess the dancing gene, not to be confused with Gene Gene the Dancing Machine who was that guy on the Gong Show. Where was I? The Yucatan, thanks.
Below you can see a historic track of Hurricane Dean courtesy AccuWeather.com, and a graphic showing the likely track of T.D. 6, which will probably become "Felix" sometime over the holiday weekend. The tracks look very similar; I'm sure Belize would like a break.
Well, I have to say that the hurricane season so far has surprised me. I think I predicted something like three hundred hurricanes, so unless we get busy here soon I'm probably (probably) going to fall short.
I did a model sweep and didn't see anything too interesting. The Canadian model does have a pretty nice storm crashing into Cape Cod:
Pretty Nice Storm Crashing into Cape Cod
But you'll note that's on day 5, which is an eternity away for a computer model. In any event, that would be Monday, so if you're in Cape Cod you've got that long to panic, run to Lowe's, buy wood, nail it to your house, panic, and then go down to the beach and greet Anderson Cooper. Or, you could stay tuned to Jesse's blog, where he'll no doubt post the latest and greatest.
(Model shot courtesy FSU Experimental Forecast Tropical Cyclone Genesis Potential Fields here.) (Say THAT ten times fast.)
UPDATE: Here's JB's thoughts on the Canadian Model:
"The Canadian is not the dangerous racer on the track with its crazy tropical solutions. For the 5th run in a row, it entrains the tropical energy and drives what looks to be a hurricane into New England. For kicks and giggles, it will be on the big dog this morning, but it is certainly not the model du jour when it comes to this and is rapidly becoming the old GFS hurricane somewhere on every run model, something that will kill its longer term operational runs. Speed kills, but so does heat, when it comes to models if its not handled right"
The UK Meteorological Office is issuing a first-ever hurricane prediction, calling for only ten more named storms (for a total of 12 this season). This is far than more U.S. groups are calling for, if you recall my earlier chart. The average prediction there is 14.9 storms, although nine-tenths of a storm doesn't sound very bad.
So why the big difference? The UK researchers claim their methodology is "more advanced," using fancy-shmancy computer simulations of the atmosphere and oceans, as opposed to the complex dart-throwing methods of U.S. researchers. The UK researchers claim their computer ("Hal") shows a cooling of ocean waters, which would mean less storm development and the Global Warming heralded End of Everything As We Know It.*
The Atlantic hurricane seasons officially runs through the end of November.
AP Article on British Prediction
*Okay I made that up.
Nine firefighters died last night while fighting a furniture warehouse blaze when the roof collapsed in on them. While the cause of the fire is under investigation, arson is not suspected. To lose even one firefighter is difficult to wrestle with, but nine? “To lose nine is just a tragedy of immense proportions,” Charleston Mayor Joseph P. Riley said. “To lose nine is just unbelievable.”
Riley added, “This is a profession that we must never take for granted."
I'm sure the families of those who died serving can use your prayers.
More from the Charleston Post & Courier
Site of the Fire (Google Maps)
Sofa Suer Store Website
Some people have written to say, "Well, at least Carl hit 40 first." In fact, some of you went so far as to say that I hit 40 Long Ago, as is many Xs and Ls ago. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Alert Birthday Acquirer Tammy managed to get to 40 first, such that I am not 40 yet, and will not be for a few months. These intervening months - the time between June 14 and August 12 - are known as "The Dark Months" or sometimes "The Bleak Weeks."
Of course, the downside of hitting 40 second is that the first person has all of that time to plan something nefarious. So, I'm on the look out for nefarious plans. We'll see.
Well there's been a definite dearth of blog posts lately, which gives me a great opportunity to use the word "dearth" in a blog post. Yes, yes, I'll wait while you fetch the dictionary. (Or just go to M-W.com) One of the reasons for this dearth is because we've been eagerly anticipating the arrival of today, June 14. For, you see, today Alert Birthday Girl Tammy has turned
That's forty, as in ten plus ten plus ten plus five plus a few more. Forty is significant for a number of reasons:
1. It's the first number in Roman Numerals to use the mysterious "L". Oh, sure, some Romans just kept using Xs as in "XXXX" but those people were widely derided as yahoos.
2. Forty is the first number after the 30s, as in "Well the 30s are all gone now. We're all out of 30s. Yup, no more 30s."
3. Forty is a great biblical number, being the number of years the Israelites wandered in the desert, the number of days Christ fasted, the number of plagues in Egypt*, and the number of cats on the ark**.
4. It's the age at which you start appearing on various mailing lists, such as AARP.
For those of you just joining the program, I was explaining how Alert Birthday Girl Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, just turned
You're probably asking how we celebrated this cataclysmic event of biblical proportions. Go on, you can ask. I'll wait. How did we celebrate this cataclysmic event of biblical proportion? In a very subdued manner. For the Alert Birthday Girl specifically requested a low-key day. The kids presented their birthday tributes, and we had a cake from Cold Stone Creamery that cost somewhere north of Five Thousand Dollars (and was worth every penny), and I gave her a top secret present that I can't reveal here until some time has passed. But I had specific instructions not to tell anyone that it was Alert Birthday Girl Tammy's birthday or that she was going to be
So I'm keeping that, you know, under wraps.
*One day I'll go into more detail about the 30 other, lesser-known plagues, such as the plague of clover mites, and the plague of gingivitis, and the plague of that green stuff that forms on top of the sour cream after several weeks, but that's all fodder for another post.
**Moses*** originally tried to explain to the cats that only two were allowed, but the cats just gave Moses that look, you know, that look of total disdain that only cats can do, and then walked past him and found a comfy corner on deck 3.
***Not THAT Moses, but Moses, the third cousin of Noah who was, ah, out looking for some sour cream when the rain hit.
 Now, I know some of you will be tempted to do this - if only due to the high cost of gasoline - but whatever you do, do NOT put diesel in your car!
This tip comes from Alert Reader Tammy, who may or may not be my wife and may or may not be at the dealer having the innards* of our car sucked dry. Apparently on the way back from a home schooling convention this weekend Tammy noticed that the car was starting to run low on gas. She pulled into a gas station that she has frequented in the past but something was different. The gas station combined the diesel and the gasoline pumps into one pump with two handles - one for diesel (green in color) and one for gasoline (red in color.) Here the story gets fuzzy, but apparently the green nozzle was put in the car but the buttons for the red nozzle's gasoline were pressed. Some sort of liquid came out of the pump and went into the car. Alert Diesel Selector Tammy then drove away and about two miles later the car started belching loudly. I mean belching like too much Chinese Stir-Fry on Chinese Stir-Fry Wednesday. So she pulled over, checked her receipt (she had one of those feelings) and it said. . . DIESEL! Not only that, but scary music played and the camera shook wildly.
Fortunately, the last time I considered renewing our AAA coverage I thought, "What if Tammy fills the car with Diesel and she's a hundred miles from home?" So I bought the free 100 mile towing-if-you-fill-your-car-with-diesel plan. Also fortunately, if you believe in that sort of thing, was that some friends who had gone to the same home schooling show were just 10 minutes behind Tammy. They were able to bring the kids home while Tammy waited for the tow truck.
So, how much does it cost to have the innards* sucked dry of diesel? We're not sure yet, but should know by the end of the day.
*Yes, this post was just a clever way for me to get to write "innards" twice. Thank you.
 The Waycross Fire is about 70% contained now, but the weather (see right) won't be helping the battle at all, at least not for the next few days. The fire has burned 82,000 acres, making it the largest in Georgia history. You can read more details here and see a few photos. The smoke from the fire has drifted east and south, and parts of Florida have had to deal with it (such as Brevard county and even Orlando.)
You can see the Red Flag Warnings via the severe map at AccuWeather.com. (A risqué Victoria's Secret Ad watch is also in effect.)
 Okay, so I took Alert Salad Consumer Tammy out to dinner last night where she had a, well, salad. I had the hot turkey sandwich - you know, some hot turkey, stuffing, bread, mashed potatoes - which was quite tasty but about three-quarters through the meal I realized that I hadn't portioned each side dish properly and I was going to end the meal with left over stuffing! Ahhh! Then I realized that it was probably strange that I had to take bites of each of the different sides at a time. THEN I realized that I did this with most of my meals. Which made me wonder, is this okay or some sort of warning sign?
So here's my vital research: leave a comment and let me know, do you:
A. Mix your food,
B. Eat it separately,
C. Just eat so you can get finished before Wheel of Fortune comes on?
Whew! Thanks in advance. Those of you who are mixers can feel free to share tips on how to maintain that delicate balance until the end of the meal.
I'm not sure why - and I work at a weather company - but apparently people are already releasing predictions for the 2007 Hurricane Season. It seems a little early to me, but I'm not an actual meteorologist (I just play one when I ghost write Henry's blog.)
Two predictions are out so far: Tropical Storm Risk, a U.K.-based group of insurers and forecasters are calling for 16 named storms, nine hurricanes including four "intense hurricanes." Dr. Gray's team from Colorado State University is calling for 14 named storms, seven hurricanes including three "Category 3 storms" or better. Both predictions are for "busier than normal" seasons.
I confess that I've been toying with the idea of going to Orlando next year. It will take that long for my money-printing device to be finished. It's possible these forecasters have gotten wind of this (so to speak) and have had their hands forced with regard to hurricane predictions. I'm not sure where the leak came from; anytime I visit Florida I'm required to call into the Governor's office so that they can make the appropriate contingency plans. When I last spoke to Jeb, he asked if I would consider coming in December, when even my presence is unlikely to attract a Category 5 storm. I said I would consider it if they mailed me some fresh O.J.
(I'm still waiting for the O.J.)
Someone wrote me today asking why I was AWOL from the blog. Actually, I'm paraphrasing but AWOL does stand for "Absent Without Official Leave" which describes not blogging perfecting. I'm not sure whom/where to petition to get Official Leave, but I imagine it's some sort of giant blogging committee located in Hoboken.
In any event, I've been blogged-out having recently designed and constructed a global warming blog, with the help of dedicated, talented brainy types too numerous to mention. (But hat tip to MT genius James Spears) Global Warming is a fascinating subject. I can blog all I want to about Global Warming here because this is my own, private, not-connected-to-any-weather-company, no-one-reads blog. In fact, I can even say "Global Warming, Schmarming" and I don't have to get that cleared by anyone anywhere, particularly Official Types in Hoboken.
But Laura is doing an admirable job on a very difficult topic, so stop by and say hello. Bonus points for using my name, although if she replies and says "Who?" don't, you know, put much stock in that she's just kidding. Really.
AccuWeather Global Warming Blog Header Thing
The pain of working on another blog has faded, some, and I think I might be able to get back to writing. I'm going to watch the stats, though, and if all of you have found something better to do, like scour the web for downloadable pdf coloring pages of elk and deer and print them out and color them in, well then I may retire. The only possible caveat is the winter; if we get a mild winter that doesn't make much of a difference, but if we were to have a severe apocalyptic winter it would be nice to blog about all of that snow. Normally I would say we have a snowball's you know in you know of having an actual winter. But this winter is different, because Alert Future Cashier Tammy may have to drive every weekend to Target which means snow over the entire northeast each Friday and Saturday.
Speaking of Target, Alert Applicant Tammy passed her drug test with flying colors. Orientation starts tomorrow, wherein she learn things like "How to take down an irate Christmas Shopper with only your bare hands and a DVD of Santa Clause 2 which coincidentally is on sale for $12.99 this week only."
Finally, I close with a Global Warming story that may not be featured on any weather blogs that you frequent. Via Drudge I see that the U.N. has created a booklet called "Tore and the Town on Thin Ice" which you can find as a PDF here. My favorite two-page spread would have to be this:
Scene from "Tore and the Desolate Planet Once Called Earth"
Personally, I'm looking forward to future titles in the series, such as "Tore and the Town of Skin Cancer Zombies Living Under the Ginormous Ozone Hole" and "Tore and the Meteorologist Who Lived Next Door with a Snow Blower." Scary stuff.
This just came across the wire:*
As you can plainly see, the earthquake that occurred today in the Gulf of Mexico was indeed caused by Godzilla. Furthermore, Godzilla is quite angry and on the move. You should keep in mind that this Godzilla Warning Graphic features the Godzilla Cone of Movement™. While there is a line plotted here to show the most likely path Godzilla will take, people should not focus on the line. Focus on the cone - because even a slight deviation in the movement of Godzilla could result in landfall anywhere within this cone.
Currently the most likely landfall will occur in the St. Pete/Tampa area. Already the combined forces of Homeland Security and FEMA are being marshaled. As such, Governor Jeb Bush has declared a state of emergency and asked that everyone south of Gainesville save themselves and flee to Houston.
People are reminded that this is a dangerous monster. Damage to structures and power lines within the path of Godzilla is extremely likely and will be severe. Please DO NOT TRY TO BE A HERO and ride out the monster. Board up your home, secure your pets and leave the area as soon as possible. States beginning with the letters "I" "K" and "O" are designated safe states and are good places to ride out the monster.
Once Godzilla makes landfall, he's expected to continue north and east until he hits Daytona Beach, where he will pick up a "Life's a Beach" towel and an oval bumper sticker that reads "DB" before he returns to the ocean.
Further bulletins as events warrant.
*Usually Alert Reader Tammy just stopped by and took a look at the map and wanted to know when that happened, and what was going to hit Florida and why there hasn't been anything on the news. I tried to explain about Godzilla and the earthquake and FEMA not wanting anyone to panic, etc., but she just sort of stared at me. So, after a brief phone call with the Blog Hero Legal Team, I've been instructed to add this clarifying disclaimer:
Godzilla™ is a trademark of Japanese entertainment company Toho. Toho is not responsible for any damage or panic that Godzilla™ causes. Any warning information about Godzilla™ that this blog issues is provided "as is" and no warranty, expressed, instant, dehydrated or otherwise, is inferred, interned, chauffeured or bean curd. Thank you.
At 8:56 a.m. Sunday, or 14:56:07 Coordinated Universal Time, which I think is only observed on Neptune, in certain offices at the United Nations, and in parts of Iowa, a maginitude 6.0 earthquake jiggled jimmied rattled shook the Gulf of Mexico. Thankfully there are no reports of any injuries, damage, or tsunamis. In fact, the quake was not sufficient enough to even warrant a tsunami warming, watch, or panic.
The USGS site has a number of maps, including a link to a Google Map, so you can see exactly where this happened. Reuters has a good story here (albeit sans photos.) People in Georgia, Alabama, Florida and Louisiana felt the quake, and some actually Experienced Vibrating Buildings.
While this could be a completely natural event, there are also other - more serious - possibilities:
1. The Japanese Mafia, defeated by their ancient rival El Niño, have given up on the hurricane machine altogether, and have just scored a Russian-Made Cold War Era Earthquake Machine from eBay.
2. After drilling down 20,000 feet, Chevron broke through to the hollow center of the earth, and it's only a matter of days before the planet implodes.
3. As everyone knows, there is always a magnitude 6.0 quake before Godzilla appears and unleashes havoc on some coastal community.
I'm betting on... 3. Someone should notify Tampa that a Severe Giant Radioactive Lizard Watch is in effect.
Dedicated to a favorite author of mine:
Incidentally, as a kid I was never sure who's side Godzilla was on. This probably meant that Godzilla was actually some sort of metaphor for American Imperialism, or something else that I wouldn't have understood and probably wouldn't have found nearly as funny as little army army guys running around yelling "Aaiiieeee!" before their tanks got stomped on. Godzilla would initially show up and stomp on the Japanese, sort of like he had a migraine or ate some bad sushi the night before, but then a monster would show up and he would trounce it and - his migraine having vanished or his aggressions having been taken out on some huge moth - he would return to the sea.
I guess the moral is, if Godzilla shows up, you better be darn sure some sort of giant caterpillar, atomic squirrel or 60' tall radioactive penguin happens by as well. Or, maybe Anderson Cooper.
(With apologies to lions, tigers and bears everywhere.)
The University of Bristol, located somewhere in Connecticut I think*, has an interesting study/article/report here about the coming Apocalypse. Okay, I guess that word doesn't actually appear in the study/article/report, but if you're as familiar with these sorts of things as I am, you can spot the "hidden message" in these things a thousand miles away.
The study/article/report says that global warming is going to cause an increase in fires, droughts and floods. This was apparently determined using "novel methods" by "Team QUEST." (No, I'm not making that up.) I thought that Team QUEST was Jonny Quest, his Dad, Race and that kid Hadji and their dog. Man that was a great show.
In any event, you should be extremely careful with your campfire for the next 200 years. You should also come over and water my lawn; it's starting to blow away in the wind, thanks to some old gypsy woman.
*Just kidding. Bristol is in Texas. I think.
I'm not sure if the AccuWeather.com bloggers covered this; I was swamped with work although I thought about posting on it here. (Thinking about it is like half-credit, right?) At first I heard a few people were killed, then a dozen then more.
The official death toll stands at 547 people killed with 465 injured and 323 missing. (Source) An article in the USA Today from two days ago has some heartbreaking accounts of what was/is going on. It also shows a map of the region and where the epicenter of the 7.7 magnitude quake was.
The article also tells the story of a 12-year-old boy named Yousif, who saw the wave approaching through a pair of binoculars and yelled "Tsunami!" Unfortunately, no one within earshot believed him.
Google Map of the location
USGS report of the quake
|
|
RSS:
