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Diabolical Terrorist Plan
May 16, 2009I was in the supermarket this morning and suddenly it all came together. I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE PLANNING. I looked over towards the fresh bread section and saw the large donut case. Then I saw those flimsy donut "tissues" you're suppose to use to get your donuts. And then I had the epiphany.
Sometime before 7 a.m. local time on a weekday (probably a Monday) very sick terrorists (with pig flu, or bird flu, or mad cow disease, or the rarer but as yet unknown pimento loaf flu) will be dispatched to grocery stores all over the country. They will arrive in pairs. One will cause a distraction in the bakery area - probably by asking for a really good cinnamon bagel that doesn't have raisins - and the other will go to the donut case, PRETEND to take a tissue, and then reach in and start touching donuts. Mission accomplished, they will leave the store and wait for further orders.
Meanwhile, unsuspecting executives will arrive and purchase donuts for their workers, given it's a Monday and everyone would otherwise have the a Case of the Mondays. The unsuspecting workers will eat the donuts because I mean hey, Free Donut, and will contract pimento loaf flu, which causes some sort of hives or something. That night they'll get all itchy and call in sick the next day. American productivity will take a huge hit because millions of workers will be home watching Dr. Phil and scratching furiously. The economy will further tank. And we'll be no closer to a really good cinnamon bagel without raisins.
And the terrorists will win.
(So please, be careful out there.)
