Today I cleaned my daughter's room. I know, I know - what on earth am I doing? How is she going to learn any lessons that way? You have to understand that I really, really, really tried this time. I waited, and reminded, and cajoled (which isn't easy) her about the condition of her room. Oh, she would clean it - you know, the Kid Kind of Clean, but being borderline OCD it was never good enough for me. So, as things began to get lost I was more and more on edge. Finally I threw up my hands and screamed "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" and ran into the room with a garbage bag, a Swiffer Duster and a mini vac.

The family knows after many years to seek shelter when there's a Carl Cleaning Warning in effect. They usually go to the basement and find a sturdy wall and play UNO until the warning is over. Actually, they watch from a distance and feign boredom, but I know inside they're secretly jumping in glee knowing that I've broken down. It's like when Kasparov played that computer in chess, and the computer won, and you just know the geek programmers (I say that with fondness, of course) were jumping up and down and high-five-ing each other and yelling "WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!"

The final straw was asking my dear daughter where the cable to charge her cellphone was and she didn't know.

"I don't know." she said plaintively, which isn't easy for a daughter.

"Is it in your room?" I asked, vexed, which is very easy for a father and comes naturally.

So I attacked the room and found all sorts of things. Most of the things were buried under layers of stuff in the closet. I'm not going to go into most of what those things were in order to protect the guilty and quite messy, but I will list four things that were found:

1. Almost $30, which the aforementioned daughter had no idea she had. (Now I have to take her shopping; I haven't yet told her about my Finder's Fee.)
2. Moose antlers
3. Bigfoot
4. A cellphone cable to charge a cellphone

Bigfoot was cowering in the closet under a pile of dirty laundry. I'm not sure how he got in there; I checked and he definitely was not a rubber suit. When I went to get my digital camera and came back I found the window open and no sign of him anywhere. Oddly enough, the moose antlers were gone as well. Draw your own conclusions.

So now I have one really clean and organized room in the house which I can enjoy for another, oh, three or four hours. But it's clean, darn it. And that makes me really exultant.

And that's not easy for an OCDish-neat-freak-Dad. Really.

Posted by Carl at 8:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I wanted to lead by example and let everyone know that I made my online purchase for someone else just now. I sent a Ghirardelli chocolate gift basket, quite possibly the best chocolate in the world - a chocolate so good it was probably given to us by Aliens millennia ago. The person(s) I sent it to I have never met, but we've chatted via email over common web design interests. I'll let you know what, if any, reaction I get.

So, there you go. It's pretty easy,,,and I feel really good about it. I've seen Cassie cheer up maybe hundreds of Disney Cast Members merely by engaging them, asking for their autograph and giving them a few miinutes, at least, to feel like a star. It's a great thing to watch. And while I am unlikely to ask the local townsfolk for their autographs, I don't think I'm ready to give up that feeling of seeing someone hit with "Disney Magic" and so I'm going to explore similar options. A gift-giving-just-because holiday seems like a good start.

Any other suggestions would be warmly welcome! Maybe it would make a good book.

Posted by Carl at 1:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We saw Prince Caspian on opening day - I enjoyed it, although I think I may have enjoyed The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe more. A few notes about the two films:

1. Wardrobe had Tilda Swinton*, who did an amazing job (I thought) as the White Witch. Conversely, Caspian has an animated mouse who is very entertaining. And short.

2. Wardrobe is a better known story, I think, than Caspian. Although all of us die-hard fans have read each of the books several times.

3. Caspian had some intriguing bits with Susan that I think begin to lay some ground work for her character development moving forward. I don't want to write anything that's a spoiler, so for now I'll leave it at that.

4. I have to say that the water and tree computer animation in Caspian is amazing. And Aslan looks so real you don't even think of him as a computer-generated character. Or even a lion. (At least, I didn't. But then again, I was entertained by the mouse and the squirrel.)

If you get a chance definitely go see it. Weekend BO is being described as weak. My theories about that is that Iron Man siphoned off some business because it's a similar demo (fantasy/sci-fi and generally family fare) and because of it's running time (147 minutes although Wardrobe was a similar 143.) I expect that Caspian's worldwide gross will equal or exceed Wardrobe, but we'll see.

Here's an article at CNN about Caspian's box office (complete with an erroneously-titled caption) (see, even the professionals make mistakes!):

*I could write (and probably will, one day) a post or two about the conflict I experience when I judge an actor's performance in a movie against their own personal views and lifestyle. If you support the performance does this mean you are lending support (even tacitly) to the actor's personal views or lifestyle? Ms. Swinton has turned in a number of unusual, if not critically acclaimed, performances and some of her personal views are not those I would share. It terms of acting skill, though, her brief appearance in Caspian had a great deal of power and weight that I thought was missing from the rest of the cast.

Well, except for the mouse. And the squirrel.

Comments welcome.

Posted by Carl at 8:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I confess I don't know what that would be (the sound of a sigh caught in a black hole) but I thought the phrase would make a great blog post title. It seems very deep, like the "sound of one hand clapping" until you think about it and realize that it's completely meaningless. I suppose a sigh caught in a black hole would sound like siiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There might even be a pfffft! right at the end there when it crosses the event horizon. For more on sighing and black holes and event horizons consult your local wikipedia.

Some of you have wondered why I haven't been posting as regularly as in the past. Some surmised I was in a terrible corn canning accident. Others have suggested that the Japanese Mafia finally caught up with me late one night at Wal-Mart, during an ill-fated Twinkies and Pepsi run. A few inquired about my health, given all of the bionics from poorly waged light saber battles and my diet of Twinkies and Pepsi. All good guesses, of course, but in truth I was on vacation at Disney World for the last six months.*

As proof I offer this photo snapped at EPCOT. It is part of the current Tin Toy exhibit being held in the Japan section of EPCOT, right behind the Japanese Mafia booth - which I carefully circumvented while dressed in my Speed Racer disguise. I think this is a Tin Godzilla, desperately in search of some Tin Japanese Soldiers to stomp on. He had just stomped on the Mach 5, Speed Racer and his box office receipts - but was still hungry.

*Okay, I made that up. I can hardly afford to put gas in my well-made but gas-guzzling SUV let alone vacation at Disney World for six months. But vacation is, after all, just a state of mind.

Posted by Carl at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

In an amazing show of forgiveness and compassion, the Amish community that lost five girls last year in a shooting has donated an unspecified amount to the widow of the killer.

Milk truck driver Charles Carl Roberts seized an Amish school building in Lancaster county, Pennsylvania, tied up the children and started shooting. He killed five children and wounded five before turning the gun on himself.

The Nickel Mines Accountability Committee (set up to handle the more than $4 million dollars of donations that have poured in from around the world) issued a statement on behalf of the community, which read in part:

Forgiveness of this magnitude is difficult to imagine. We live in a world which is very much me-centered, where the slightest affront, delay, botched fast food order, is nurtured until it blossoms into hate or anger. If this community can not only forgive but reach out in love after what they've been through then it gives me hope that I practice a little more grace in my day-to-day life.

MSNBC.com: Amish donate cash to school gunman's widow

Posted by Carl at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I came across an old bookmark last night - I have a bad habit of bookmarking things and putting them in a list called "Read Later." Usually, I never read them or if I do, the entire site is gone by the time I get there. I believe an Alert Reader sent this in but it's been a while.

HeroMachine is a website that allows you to create your own comic book character by selecting various pieces (shirt, pants, headgear, etc.) and then coloring them. It's really quite amazing. Cassie and I created a number of characters today. Here's my set:

You can click here for the larger-than-life super heroic version which shows off the HeroMachine's work much better. No drawing was involved in any of this - the only thing I did in Photoshop was to add the names (Cassie helped with at least one of those) and the obligatory Apple-ish reflection. All of the rest of the artwork is generated by the website.

You can find the latest version of the HeroMachine (2.1) here. If you actually make something let me know! We'll help you with the naming part.

Posted by Carl at 8:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Cassie had a Tae Kwan Do exhibition today at a baseball game. Well, actually, before the baseball game. The event was at "Medlar Field at Lubrano Park" which sounds to me like some sort of naming compromise, as in the Medlars and the Lubranos both help build the park. But really, I have no idea and haven't looked into it.

The park and the field are really beautiful. MFaLP is home to the State College Spikes, which at first might sound like some sort of ninja weapon but actually refers to a deer or a moose or something. You can find their site here. Their mascot is "Ike the Spike" who in addition to being a deer or a moose or something is also a third degree black belt and master of the katana.

Many of Cassie's TKD classmates were on hand for a special demonstration of TKD forms, battling, catapult usage, walking on coals and breaking boards with one's head. Cassie, having inherited a good bit of common sense from the Schaad side of the family (recessive trait) decided to volunteer for board breaking with the elbow. She did marvelously - the board had little chance really - and the crowd at the Spikes' game was very supportive, especially Ike who waved his katana in a sort of moose-like salute.

The weather was gorgeous, and Carl managed to snap a few pictures that accidentally came out okay.

Posted by Carl at 9:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Heroes' Hiro Nakamura, played by Masi Oka. Photo ©NBC

I haven't blogged about Heroes all season. At least, I don't think I have. Let me check. Okay, I I did once. It was a brief post about time-travel that really didn't solve any of my own personal dilemmas with time-travel. For example, if there will ever be time travel, way far down the road in the future, someone surely would have come back to this time just to talk with me about all of those coffee cans I'm sealing up and burying everywhere. But so far: nothing. Of course, if time-travel gets developed in the future, they probably will also develop some sort of toothpaste that makes you forget everything (and fight tartar) when you brush your teeth, and maybe they visited me and slipped that into my medicine cabinet, which would explain why I can't find my car keys.

Anyway, Heroes is a television show that debuted this season on NBC. The main story revolves around a number of "heroes" that have extraordinary gifts. We'll just call them "super powers" because I know that's what all of you are thinking. So far we've seen an amazing array of super powers: telepathy, the ability to create fire, super healing, flight, walking through walls, and the ability to never completely get written out of the script no matter how final your last scene seems to be. Two of the most annoying powers are precognition (the ability to see the future) and time-travel (the ability to completely muck-up the past, making the guy who saw the future look like a complete idiot for getting it wrong.)

At first I thought to myself: "Self, don't get interested in this show, even if they DO create a guy with heat vision, because all sci-fi shows last two seasons max." So I avoided it like the plague, or like someone who carried the plague, or even like someone who could create super plagues just by thinking about it and leave them on door knobs, toilet seats and the handles of office coffee pots. But co-workers (or, if you prefer, coworkers) at AccuWeather kept hammering me with all sorts of tidbits (Hey! They're going to have a guy with heat vision on tonight!) until I broke down and watched an episode.

Actually, I ended up watching something like 8 episodes right in a row. I won't do the math there on how much time that was in front of the computer, but I went to bed at a ridiculous hour. I was hooked.

The series is remarkable not because of the super powers, although I'm still holding out for someone who can turn themselves into lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals... but it's remarkable because of the writing and acting. What would the world be like if people suddenly started acquiring super powers? This show gives you a good guess, and it's very entertaining.

The season recently concluded so now is a good time to try it out. The most interesting character (IMO) has to be Hiro Nakamura, a former office cubical dweller who has the power to "bend space and time." He's the time traveler who catches a glimpse of a desolate future and takes it upon himself to set things right. His transformation from meek office worker to hero took the length of season one but was a great trip. At the end of the season, Hiro ends up traveling back in time to feudal Japan.

At least, that's one theory. I think he ended up at the World Showcase in Epcot during some sort of show. But now we all have to wait several months to find out.

Jump on board!

*The Blog Hero wishes everyone to know that the title of this post was the result of hours - nay, weeks! - of brainstorming and he's quite proud of it. He's working on his next Heroes blog title but so far isn't coming up with much other than "She sells sea shells down by the seashore right before unleashing her deadly heat vision" which really isn't very good. Suggestions welcome.

Posted by Carl at 10:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sigh.

I came across this via a search for Global Warming news. I have my RSS reader set up to peruse various search engines, blogs, feeds, etc., for certain keywords and an article popped up from Business Week about the L that had this bit:

I had to laugh out-loud at that. Or, LOL. Although I won't say that because it would be weird and geeky.

Here's a photo of the Superleggera:

By now you probably want to know how much it will cost, because you're all set to contribute to the Blog Hero Needs A Cool Vehicle To Fight Crime Fund. You'll find that tidbit on page 2:

Base price: $240,000 (est.)

Ah well. I guess I'll keep fighting crime with my Saturn.

Posted by Carl at 9:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Jesse has an interesting post here about the NHC/NOAA/CPC/JM hurricane predictions, and contends that they're basically predicting 10-20 storms this season. Give or take.

And SciGuy Eric Berger, who may or may not have gotten beaten up as a kid for his milk money, has a post here discussing the pre-season predictions. He lets Joe Bastardi have it, stating that Joe's prediction of named storms is "doom and death" and "Bastardi doesn't predict specific numbers." He adds, "His chief currency is fear."

This is interesting because it's almost completely wrong. First, Joe Bastardi (and AccuWeather.com team) have predicted actual numbers - you can read the press release here. The forecast is for 13-14 storms, 3+ being "major" (major meaning that Anderson Cooper will likely be drawn to the coast.)

Given the "Bastardi Number" is actually less than Gray's number, or the upper limit of the NOAA/NHC forecast, why is Bastardi tagged as the "doom and death" guy?

I'll give Mr. Berger the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to a lack of research. Apparently he took a look at the pre-season discussion, not the forecast which was issued later, and drew conclusions from that.

Finally, there's a telling comment in the comments section of the SciGuy's post. It goes like this:

My experience tells me this is exactly the opposite of how it works in the private sector. The AccuWeather team has a number of private clients (and a growing website) that receive our detailed hurricane forecasts. If you accept the "doom and death" fear-mongering position, AccuWeather wouldn't have these clients - the free market would punish any company providing content that was continuously wrong, bad and created for the purpose of inciting fear. Just the opposite is occurring - AccuWeather is growing because the hurricane information is very valuable to the clients AccuWeather serves. I've observed Joe at AccuWeather and he's passionate, works long, insane hours, and put everything into his forecasting - keeping what works and learning from any mistakes. And his clients understand that.

Disclaimer: The Blog Hero, who may or may not work at AccuWeather, would like to say that he has never met the SciGuy, Dr. Gray, Dr. Gray's team, most of NOAA and the NHC. Furthermore, the Blog Hero has never been to Houston, which I'm sure is a delightful city, and has never picked up a copy of the Houston Chronicle to read over a double half-caf decaffinated ginger latte expresso (with cream.) No body builders were harmed in the writing of this post. Thank you.

Posted by Carl at 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Pictionary, for those of you not in the know, is a tool of the devil created by Hasbro. Well okay that's a little harsh. I actually enjoy Pictionary, except for the part at the end where I (and my team member) inevitably lose. We had some friends over last week and we played Pictionary. Whenever you play Pictionary you have to have a partner, and this partner is almost always your spouse, as it is terribly bad form to say "Ooh! Let's all exchange spouses for this game!"

My spouse is Alert Pictographer Tammy, who ordinarily draws and guesses with the kind of mental acuity reserved for Mensa members. However there were at least two incidents in this particular game of Pictionary that probably sank our chances at victory although I'm not actually saying that or blaming anyone or being bitter. I will let you, the Alert Reader, decide.

The first incident involves an "All Play." This is where every team gets an opportunity to drawn the same object, and whoever can guess it first wins. (If it's your turn and you win, you get to roll the dice and advance. Otherwise you lose the turn and it advances to the next team.) I thought I had this one nailed, and here's what I drew:

You can now play along at home. What did Carl draw? Was it:

A. A Daisy
B. Jimmy Hoffa
C. A Fire Extinguisher
D. None of the Above

If you guessed A CLOWN you would be right! But Alert Interpreter Tammy just stared at the paper unable to guess CLOWN. CLOWN. Again, I am NOT BITTER. Just for the record though that line underneath the CLOWN is me beginning to drawn arrows AT THE CLOWN because aside from drawing fire engines and big feet and squirting flowers and bottles of seltzer that was about as good a CLOWN as a person can draw under pressure.

That was the first incident, which I will forever refer to as the CLOWN INCIDENT and everyone will know exactly what I mean or I will go into painful detail to explain what I mean including taking this picture out of my wallet and passing it around because yes I am saving it forever. The second incident involves this picture by Tammy. This was not an All Play and I had all the time in the world to guess it:

Give up? I almost did, until I had the paper turned for me (whoops!)

Ah ha! I bet you think you know what this is. Is it:

A. A Wing from KFC
B. The Southeast United States
C. Washington D.C.
D. Jimmy Hoffa

If you guessed MARYLAND you would be right! Look again! That's actually Maryland up there! Now, it wasn't the fact that I didn't get this right that was particularly disturbing, and I mean disturbing like you come home at 2 am and open the garage and there's a man standing there dressed like a scarecrow and holding a gigantic scythe disturbing - no, what was really disturbing is that Alert Cartographer Tammy insisted I should have gotten this immediately!*

So, I guess I'm not going to shock you when I tell you that we lost. Not only did we lose, but we lost big. I mean, really big.

Jimmy Hoffa big.

*The Blog Hero wishes to add this late-breaking disclaimer for his own personal safety and say that Alert Artist Tammy did a far better job at drawing, overall, than did her graphic designer husband and that really, if she had just had the good sense to trade spouses at the beginning of the game she would have won. But that still doesn't look anything like MARYLAND.

Posted by Carl at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Jesse started video-blogging at AccuWeather, video-blogging being all the rage now. I would video-blog except for my fear of video cameras (I was beat up by a video camera as a child, and therapy has really never gotten me past it) and I don't have a video camera, which could make video blogging difficult.

In any event, the automatic video process at AccuWeather stamps a play button on the screen and generates a still image. This has to be the best combination I've seen to date. He should buy that mask! He could fight crime as "Jesse Man." I assume his powers would be weather related: he could cause intense headaches and pain in people's knees by mimicking an approaching front.

His video is here, if curious.

Posted by Carl at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Tonight it was my turn to take Cassie to her Tae Kwon Do testing. It was my turn for three reasons:

1. I hadn't gone last time.
2. Alert Volunteer Tammy was volunteering at the crisis pregnancy center in town.
3. It is the coldest night here in 400 years, or something.

Now, any situation where I should be present in order to support my child(ren) and ALSO have to be in close proximity to other humans that I don't know creates a lot of tension for me. I find making small talk difficult, and tend to want to just cut to the chase and discuss religion, or politics, or something controversial like trans-fats. But those are generally not the sorts of things you discuss in these situations, so I try to control myself and just listen instead.*

Listening, though, only serves to further convince me I need to work on my patience. Because I find that if I hear something I disagree with I have this chivalrous urge to wade in, long sword swinging to and fro, in an attempt to Make It All Right. Past experience has taught me that's a misdemeanor.

Cassie's instructor is Master Chaar. Master Chaar runs the Chaar Tae Kwon Do & Martial Arts Center. So far I've been very impressed with Master Chaar personally and professionally. As an example, he puts together extra movie nights for the kids to come, play with some of the equipment and just unwind with a good, kid-friendly movie. I think that's great - fostering that sense of community amongst the students. Professionally his accomplishments are very substantial.

Although he's really a nice guy - you don't want to cross him. If you do, it would probably go down like this: First, he would raise his hand into some sort of animal shape. Then he would say: "DANCING PYTHON IN THE CLOUDS!" without moving that hand at all, for about ten seconds. But then you would realize he haf been moving it all along - too fast for the human eye to see - and then your head would fall off your body. (I know all of this because he ordered extra anchovies one night and the pizza boy didn't come through and, well, I think the next guy made sure there was a whole bunch on there.

Cassie's testing went very well. She had to break a board again, but instead of using her head, she was only allowed to use her left ear (she's left-handed.) Eventually, as she progresses, she'll have to learn how to break a board with a harsh word, and then at the last test - she'll break a board with a stern look. I have no doubt that she can do it. I get that same look from Alert Reader Tammy all of the time. Oh, I know she tones it down because so far I've only suffered some minor abrasions, a bruise or two, and once a pretty good sprain. I'm convinced that one day she'll lay it on me big time and I'll probably show up at work with crutches the next day. And lot of pain medication.

Cassie did wonderfully and I'm very proud of her. She sacrificed last week to attend extra classes in advance of her testing, even though I'm sure there were other things she wanted to do. And she was a trooper tonight, still feeling a little queasy from her weekend bug. Now that she passed the test there will be a new belt ceremony this weekend complete with cake. I hate getting my arm twisted like that but I think I can make it.

*Okay, that was pretty vague, even for me. So here's a sample, which I write at my peril because we know that this sort of thing will go around and the next time I show up at TKD I'll get a look from this person that seems to say "Oh THERE'S the Smug Blog Hero with his Smug Blog WhoThinksHeKNOWSEVERYTHING!" But, really, this is just an example of my challenge interacting with other humans. I observed a woman talking with her young son, who was slightly nervous. The mother remarked "What can I do to give you good luck?" and she sort of hemmed and hawed and actually there was this extended semi-embarassing pause as it seemed inevitable that the young lad was now going to enter his testing sans any luck of any sort. Without thinking I almost said, "You could say a prayer for him" which I would have said respectfully, but that's one of those things that you never know how it would be taken. (I ended saying a silent prayer) Should I have said anything? Introvert Carl says no and is breathing into a paper bag at just the thought. Perfectionist Carl says yes and is figuring out how to commandeer the brain when another situation like this turns up.

All in all, just another night at Tae Kwon Do.

Posted by Carl at 10:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As some of you might remember the Schaads have a tradition of getting rid of their Christmas Tree before January 1. In fact, here is a flashback:

I'm happy to report that this year I was a huge Tree Hero. I obtained the nasty beast (a genuine Scandinavian Emerald Fir), I set it up, put lights on it, decorated it, undecorated it, took the lights off, and dragged its sorry carcass out to the back yard, where it now sits in the same grass-less patch as its predecessor. I was the Tree Hero this year partly because Alert Cashier Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, was clever and wily enough to get a job during the weekends when one would normally bag, stuff and mount a Scandinavian Emerald Fir. The other part of being a Tree Hero was selfless loving Carl, but that was probably the much smaller part. (This part is usually kicked in the behind and given a wedgie by grumpy headache-y Carl.)

All of this trauma with the Scandinavian Emerald Fir this year (hereafter SEF, as my hands are cramping again) made me think of my childhood. Yes, that's the ominous music you hear cueing. It happened when I was trying to get the tree out of the house.

When it came time to get rid of the tree, I realized that no one has ever taught me how to get rid of a tree. It seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? I mean, how to get rid of a tree. The tree is in the house - the tree needs to be out of the house - just take the tree out. But there's a way to do just about everything. Several tree disposal methods came to mind while I was brainstorming after having removed the ornaments and lights:

1. Fire. This seemed to be the most enjoyable method. But even I knew that setting your tree on fire while it's still inside of the house will just make your spouse mad.

2. Saw. I thought about sawing off the top half of the tree and then removing them in two separate pieces. This would require sawing, which is about as rewarding and as much fun as removing wallpaper, or paint, or tartar, or...well, you get the idea. But taking out two smaller, half-trees would be easier than one big fat tree. But then I remembered the needle dilemma.

3. Dragging. Next I thought I could just kick the tree over and drag it out of the house. This would have the benefit of sending a message to other trees that would be watching - no tree likes to see that sort of thing. But again, even though the tree was 15 feet from the front door there wouldn't be a single needle left on its bitter boughs after that sort of rough-housing.

4. Carry it. Ultimately, this is what I decided. But how do you carry a tree? This is where my total Lack of Training entered. I decided that I would reach into the boughs, grab the trunk, lift it straight up, and walk like that out of the house - tree in front of me at arm's length.

This might have sounded like a good plan, but something you need to know about SEFs - once they're cut, their sap slowly turns into lead. By the time the New Year rolls around, your SEF can weigh up to 2000 pounds. (907 kg for you folks in Scandinavia.) And so, here I sit blogging away with a painful back. And wondering, where does a person learn these sorts of things? Wikipedia, I guess. Once upon a time I think it fell upon the Fathers to teach their Sons these sorts of things. I guess I'll have to come up with a good plan to pass on to Connor. Okay, I've got one.

"Connor, we're going to Lowes. They're having a sale on Artificial Trees."

Posted by Carl at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Several people asked via comment and email for the Schaad Christmas Letter, which is really nothing spectacular. I would feel better about charging $29.95 a copy if something even mildly interesting would have happened in 2006. As it is, aside from that ugly episode at the grocery store involving the pickles nothing noteworthy occurred. (Note to self: make sure I can allude to the ugly pickle episode before posting this.)

In any event, the Schaad Christmas Letter (hereafter known only as "SCL" because my fingers are starting to cramp) appears below via a link. For now, this will be the only link to the SCL (see! paying off already) and so it will eventually disappear into obscurity, although the entire contents will, by then, be scanned by Google and splayed all over the Internet for ever and ever.

Comments about the SCL (woo hoo! that's two!) can be left here, although the author reserves the right to only publish the most flattering ones on the blog. (As well as comments about lorazepam, viagra, Xbox 360 or great refi deals. Because the author knows it's only a matter of time before he slips up and publishes those instead of deleting them.)

PDF link of the SCL (I can feel my fingers "uncramping" already!)

Posted by Carl at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This thought occurred to me today, probably because I've spent part of my vacation watching the entire season of "Heroes" which was recommended to me by several co-workers (or, if you prefer, coworkers) and since I write a blog called "Blog Hero" I suppose I have an obligation to check that sort of thing out. In any event, it was great and I'll have a full review later. But this thought occurred to me today:

If humans ever do manage to figure out Time Travel, we would already know.

So see if you can follow me. Let's say that sometime in the future, like 2459 (I'm being optimistic about our chances here, obviously) someone makes a time machine. It goes without saying that their first thought would be to go back in time and steal really cool stuff. (See "Time Bandits") Well, since we still have really cool stuff, and it wasn't stolen (like Little LEGO people) we can assume that no one ever invents a time machine, because if they did they would have ALREADY gone back in time to steal cool stuff, and that would be in the past, which has already happened, except that it didn't happen, so it never will.

That thought occurred to me today, which put a damper on my day since I think time travel would be really cool. For example, if I had a time machine I could go back in time and knock out the sales person who would sell Henry his snow blower and instead I (now cleverly disguised as the sales person) would convince Henry that it was a bad idea to spend the money on a snow blower and that he instead should by the Mrs. Henry a nice necklace. Something in gold, with lots of little snow flakes made of diamonds or something. Barring that, I would just knock Henry out and sell his snow blower to someone else.

Disclaimer: If you're reading this and you're from the future I'm really very sorry about that whole "stealing cool stuff" thing and didn't mean it personally. But please email me because there are some things I really need to do over in high school and I'm sure we could reach some sort of agreement. I have lot of little LEGO people. Thank you.

Posted by Carl at 11:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Way back in 1994 Alert Christmas Letter Writer Tammy asked me if I would type up a Christmas Letter that we could sent to all of our family and friends. Without realizing what I was doing I agreed, thinking "How hard could THAT be?" Well, here we are in 2006, a dozen years later, and I'm still writing the Christmas Letter. At first the letter was quite boring; a recitation of the year's events whose sole purpose was to bring everyone up-to-date. But then it took on a life of its own, and became this long-winded, bizarre, why-doesn't-he-just-get-a-blog sort of letter. Now people pass the letter around to their friends and family, and more people than necessary know the inner workings of the Schaad clan.

I thought about posting a PDF version of the letter here. I'm not sure there would be any interest, and I think everything covered in the letter was blogged about at one point or another. (Well, almost everything.) If you'd like your copy, drop me a note or a comment. I take MC, VISA and Paypal...

In any event, just in case I forget or get too busy fighting off shopping Ninjas in my last minute dash to wrap up the Christmas Gift procurement - a very Merry Christmas to all, and a joy-filled and prosperous New Year!

Posted by Carl at 3:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Jaimen Ortiz's quick thinking and action is credited with saving a two-year-old girl from serious harm, and possibly death, when he caught her as she fell from a two story window. A great story, and not the first time Ortiz has been a hero...

More from the Washington Post

Posted by Carl at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My brain is apparently stuck in the "on" position and I'm going to be hurting today. A Severe Non Sequitur Watch is in effect for the entire day. I spent a little time recently playing a video game for the PS2. I hope the developers of the PS3 remember the PS2, since I have neither the money nor the courage to face the violent masses in line to get a PS3. Anyway in this game I have that will remain nameless you go on various quests, all heroic-like, but I got stuck on this one particular part. I had to defeat a giant turtle, but I kept dying. How embarrassing is that? I had to answer all sorts of uncomfortable questions from my geek friends about how I was doing, what part was I on, and under my breath I had to say "IGotKilledByTheGiantTurtle." It would probably be one thing if a Ginormous Black and Green Dragon breathed fire on me, melted my armor and then ate me like a shelled peanut but no, I was stepped on by a turtle. Ah, well.

Just let the record show that I did, in the end, defeat the turtle and I'm now trapped in another area by a large pudding.

Posted by Carl at 5:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I was wrestling with the RSS feed last night, which is not unlike wrestling with the hydra and Hercules can tell you how difficult that was. Fortunately I'm using a Mac, not the PC laptop Hercules had (given to him by Hera, of course.) I think I managed to do something to the feed to make it work. This is usually how I fix things: I do random things until something seems to work properly or whatever I'm working on explodes and there's nothing let to work on anymore. (Then I would call an expert, or email Hercules.)

If you have a minute and use any sort of RSS reader, particularly Yahoo! which has always hated my feed, try this out and let me know if you have any luck*

Link to Carl's RSS Feed which may or may not work/explode

Thanks!

*Blog Hero does not accept any responsibility for exploding RSS feeds or any RSS feed that conjures a Hydra. Thank you.

Posted by Carl at 9:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You've probably heard about the "carbon footprint" - which is a measurement of emitted CO2. When people talk about their personal carbon footprint they're talking about the amount of CO2 they generate. Laura Hannon at AccuWeather's Global Warming blog has a post on this you can find here.

Today I was thinking about something almost completely unrelated. I'm going to call it the "compassion footprint" since footprints are in vogue. The Compassion Footprint would be a measurement of emitted compassion. I have to confess that I don't always emit a high level of compassion. This past week I was challenged to think about my own personal compassion and how I can make a difference in the lives of others less fortunate.

I also spent some time thinking about my Compassion Footprint in years past and how that's measured up. That brought to mind the original "Compassion Footprint" movie, It's a Wonderful Life. I'm sure you know it: In the movie George Bailey (played by the inimitable James Stewart) has convinced himself that he's better off dead and is about to end it all - but is saved by his wingless guardian angel Clarence. Clarence then takes George on a trip through a world that hadn't been blessed by George's generosity, compassion and caring.

It's a classic movie, and Clarence sums up the whole of it in this line:

Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?

But to take that one step further, not only do our lives touch so many other lives, but every day we have the opportunity to consciously choose to multiply that. It might seem to us a small gesture, but we never know how a small act will domino into something huge. Whether you drop off some groceries at the local food bank, pack a shoebox for "Operation Christmas Child," drop off a toy in a Toys for Tots barrel or something else, consider how you can increase your own Compassion Footprint in the coming weeks. And remember that no matter how small you might think the kindness is, it's going to be a blessing to the person receiving it.

Posted by Carl at 10:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well Halloween has come and gone, which can only mean one thing: It's time to get ready for Christmas. I confess to being an unabashed Christmas freak. I find it very easy to get excited about Christmas (it usually begins in September) and very depressed December 26. Of course, while I love Christmas I could do without the Christmas Shopping.

This is because I'm a male, and the extent of my Christmas Shopping Finesse is "Gift Card." But this year, in an attempt to be an even more useful blog, I've decided to help all of the other males in the audience with gift ideas.

This first series of gift ideas will actually be downloadable, printable coupons. You can download/save/print the coupons right out of the blog, or get the framed set for only $199.95. The framed set will look very impressive. For an extra $39.95 I'll create a digital picture* of you working hard on your computer making the printable coupons. (*Digital picture of you working hard on your computer making the printable coupons requires a digital photo of yourself and your computer. Or, well, it won't be very believable unless you look a lot like Henry.)

Here's the first coupon:

Men, ladies love a Bug Hero - but even more, they love a Bug Hero who doesn't say things like "What's all the screaming? A spider? Are you serious?" This coupon will say that you really care about how she feels. Not only will you take care of the bug, and dispose of it afterwards, but no complaining about the request! This also means you shouldn't try to show your wife the smished/smushed/smooshed bug before the disposal.

Good luck!

NOTE: Please note that I have a disclaimer on the card for bugs over 2' tall. This is for your own safety. While you are free to try and destroy bugs over 2' tall, Blog Hero Enterprises does not recommend this unless you have something handy like a rolled up newspaper, a bat, tazer, pitchfork or flaming nunchakus of death.

Posted by Carl at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Until now. Last night in true, ironic Blog Hero form I made myself a Hungry Man Dinner. This was ironic because the previous post talked about giant male lizards going extinct because they will eventually run out of Hungry Man dinners. (Well, you have to read the post for any of that to make any sense at all.) The Hungry Man Dinner that I had was the "Turkey Breast" variety. Previously it came with peas and a cranberry compote. But NOW, it comes with corn and a brownie. I know what you're thinking: "How can you get a brownie into a microwavable dinner?" Unfortunately the answer does not involve any of the following words: appetizing, delightful, tasty or yummy.

Before you cook the meal, you have remove the Protective Plastic Cooking Film over the brownie area. Then you microwave the meal for five minutes, which sounds pretty quick but when you're hungry it really is an eternity. Then you take the meal out of the microwave. At this point the Brownie has ballooned out of it's small area and is attempting to flee. You have to scoop out the brownie, stir up your turkey, and then cook the meal for three more minutes. I am not making this up. Sure, I could have bought a meal that you just put in the microwave, cook and then eat, but where's the fun in that?

While the meal was cooking for the last three minutes I examined the brownie I had carefully scooped out of my dinner. It was all crumbly-like on a napkin. Surely the saddest looking "brownie" that ever was. In spite of this, I tried some. I mean, how bad could it be? It was a brownie!

I was forced to conclude that the answer was "pretty bad" as I threw it out. In defense of brownies everywhere, it's possible that it wasn't really a brownie, but some other cake-like food thing that vaguely resembled a brownie.

The rest of the meal was okay, although my Extremely Hot Protective Plastic Cooking Film got everywhere and then at point point clung to my hand causing me to scream like a little girl.

I'm pretty sure I'll be extinct by spring.

Posted by Carl at 9:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This morning as I arrived at work the crows, grackles, and starlings were all laughing at me. You know, that annoying, obnoxious "caw caw" thing that sounds like "ha ha." As I got my bag out I thought, "The Crows are Laughing at Me." Then I thought, "That's a great name for a book, maybe even an autobiography." Last night, someone got that question out of the Bag.* "What title would you pick for your autobiography?"

I'd love to hear autobiography thoughts out there - leave them in comments. Although I'm, you know, trademarking the crow thing.

*Mysterious references to the Bag will remain mysterious until further notice.

Posted by Carl at 9:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Someone wrote me today asking why I was AWOL from the blog. Actually, I'm paraphrasing but AWOL does stand for "Absent Without Official Leave" which describes not blogging perfecting. I'm not sure whom/where to petition to get Official Leave, but I imagine it's some sort of giant blogging committee located in Hoboken.

In any event, I've been blogged-out having recently designed and constructed a global warming blog, with the help of dedicated, talented brainy types too numerous to mention. (But hat tip to MT genius James Spears) Global Warming is a fascinating subject. I can blog all I want to about Global Warming here because this is my own, private, not-connected-to-any-weather-company, no-one-reads blog. In fact, I can even say "Global Warming, Schmarming" and I don't have to get that cleared by anyone anywhere, particularly Official Types in Hoboken.

But Laura is doing an admirable job on a very difficult topic, so stop by and say hello. Bonus points for using my name, although if she replies and says "Who?" don't, you know, put much stock in that she's just kidding. Really.

The pain of working on another blog has faded, some, and I think I might be able to get back to writing. I'm going to watch the stats, though, and if all of you have found something better to do, like scour the web for downloadable pdf coloring pages of elk and deer and print them out and color them in, well then I may retire. The only possible caveat is the winter; if we get a mild winter that doesn't make much of a difference, but if we were to have a severe apocalyptic winter it would be nice to blog about all of that snow. Normally I would say we have a snowball's you know in you know of having an actual winter. But this winter is different, because Alert Future Cashier Tammy may have to drive every weekend to Target which means snow over the entire northeast each Friday and Saturday.

Speaking of Target, Alert Applicant Tammy passed her drug test with flying colors. Orientation starts tomorrow, wherein she learn things like "How to take down an irate Christmas Shopper with only your bare hands and a DVD of Santa Clause 2 which coincidentally is on sale for $12.99 this week only."

Finally, I close with a Global Warming story that may not be featured on any weather blogs that you frequent. Via Drudge I see that the U.N. has created a booklet called "Tore and the Town on Thin Ice" which you can find as a PDF here. My favorite two-page spread would have to be this:

Personally, I'm looking forward to future titles in the series, such as "Tore and the Town of Skin Cancer Zombies Living Under the Ginormous Ozone Hole" and "Tore and the Meteorologist Who Lived Next Door with a Snow Blower." Scary stuff.

Posted by Carl at 4:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Alert Reader and Concert Goer Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, found herself at Target today working one of their Employment Application Computer Kiosks. I spent twenty minutes trying to turn that into a witty acronym, but the closest I could come to something semi-intelligent was CAKE and at that point I just gave up. Tammy was applying for a part-time position for the holidays, because everyone knows that the best time to work in retail is during the holidays. I, of course, am a wonderfully empathetic and supportive husband and when approached about the idea said, "You want to do WHAT?"

Okay, I made that up. I mean, the part about what I said not being a wonderfully empathetic and supportive husband. I encouraged her to check it out because I figured it would be a great source of blogging material. Shoppers - a group to which I sadly belong - are already thoroughly brain-damaged. Mix in the stress of the holiday season and you have the makings of great drama, if not outright comedy.

(Full disclaimer: In addition to Target being a great source of blogging material the thought did cross my mind that having an inside plant during the holiday season might make obtaining rare, sold-out LEGO sets actually possible.)

Tammy reports that the Target CAKE was slightly easier than the SATs. It took about as long, though, as I sat in the Target Cafe waiting like any empathetic and supportive husband would. My empathetic and supportive brain was thinking things like, "Do I have time to buy, accessorize and eat a hot dog without being caught, even though dinner is in an hour?" and "Should I go check the LEGO aisle?" and "How long am I reasonably expected to be supportive and empathetic?"

The Target CAKE is a brilliant idea though. They use a computer, essentially, to screen candidates. There were all sorts of interesting, difficult and employee-screening questions. At one point, and I am not making this up, the person operating the CAKE next to Tammy leaned over and asked "What number is November?" Tammy, in the midst of the following question on her own application:

was too distracted to reply properly, and so said "11."