Some news sources, maybe even credible ones, are reporting that actor Tom Cruise is spending TEN MILLION DOLLARS on... do you want to guess? What? No, not a home, but that's a good guess. A private island? Nope. AccuWeather? Way off. No, Tom Cruise is reportedly spending TEN MILLION DOLLARS to build a bunker under his home to protect himself and his family from alien invasion.
I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with Tom Cruise's spokesperson, who said "Tom can neither confirm nor deny that the evil alien overlord Xenu is heading to Earth right now and planning to use his above-ground-home-destroying space ray on Colorado." Okay I made that up. Actually he denied the whole thing, all the while glancing furtively at the sky.
Now, I don't know a lot about the evil alien overload Xenu and his plans to destroy all of our houses (built above ground) with an above-ground-home-destroying space ray, but I really have to wonder. If you're coming from space to earth, are you really going to go to Tom Cruise's house? And if you do, are you going to be content with searching around the place, looking in a few closets, and then throwing up your hands. "He's not home!" And then leave and go destroy George Clooney's house?
I'm sure if any bulldozers show up at the Cruise Compound (pictured at right) we'll all know about it. And, if an evil alien ruler shows up and starts destroying houses built above ground with an above-ground-home-destroying space ray, well, Anderson Cooper will no doubt be there.
The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, which must be a fascinating group to be involved with, has announced a voluntary recall of some Oregon Scientific weather radios. You can find the published recall here. Blog Hero has obtained a top-secret early non-published version of the recall, which tells a different story which would panic the public if printed. So, I've printed it below:
Name of Product: Oregon Scientific Weather Radios
Units: About 66,000
Manufacturer: Oregon Scientific Inc., of Tualatin, Ore.
Hazard: The radios have a setting that consumers could accidentally set without reailzing it. The setting, "Random Alerts," results in the broadcast of warnings that are totally random and (usually) not grounded in reality. Because consumers might not realize when they are using the "Random Alerts" setting there has been a recall. Some reported "Random Alerts:"
1. A Godzilla Warning for parts of Rhode Island, Massachusetts and Maine. The warning was immediately followed by the dubbed screams of little soliders who were crushed under their own tanks. So far Godzilla has not been sighted in Rhode Island.
2. A Some-Sort-of-Hurricane-in-the-Atlantic Warning was issued for cities between Miami, FL and Rhode Island. The warning suggested that a storm would form out of a few puffy cumulonimbus clouds and suddenly deepen into a nasty category thirteen storm and make landfall. It was suggested that all travel plans to the eastern half of the country be postponed for three months, or until the end of the hurricane season, whichever came last.
3. An Unexpected Twinkies Recipe Warning was issued for Kentucky. Residents of Kentucky, as well as people who were merely visiting Kentucky but were staying in suites that had full kitchens, were cautioned that cooking with Twinkies with or without a cookbook was ill-advised as Twinkies sold in Kentucky were from China and as a result of shoddy Twinkie craftsmanship might explode when heated to temperatures above 350°. A Twinkie, to review, is a golden sponge cake with creamy filling.
Incidents/Injuries: None reported, although there has been rumors that three people and a Twinkie were caught in a stampede of people fleeing the unspecified Atlantic Hurricane and/or Godzilla. The stampede was headed to Idaho.
Description: This recall involves the following Weather Radios and Weather Stations:
All Hazards Portable Weather Alert Radio, WR103NX
Portable Public Alert Radio, WR108
Public Alert Weather Station, WRB308
John Deere Public Alert Weather Station, WRB308J
No other models are included in this recall.
Sold at: Retail stores nationwide, including some electronics and sporting goods stores, online retailers and in catalogs from December 2005 through June 2007 for between $30 and $150.
Manufactured in: China (No, really!)
Remedy: Consumers should not rely on the broadcasts of the recalled weather radios. Consumers should contact Oregon Scientific for instructions on returning the radio to receive a free replacement. Note that Oregon Scientific is not responsible for any actions or inaction taken as a result of hearing a Godzilla warning, or a Twinkie warning, or really any other warning that is issued as a result of using the "Random Alert" feature.
*In all seriousness, of course, weather radios are not the kinds of things that you should rely on if there is a recall. Make sure to check your product and take the appropriate action to keep you and your family safe, particularly from exploding Twinkies.
In the history of the universe there at least one thing that could truly be said to be unexpected. That would (of course) be the Spanish Inquisition:
(Insert diabolical laughter here.)
However, it turns out there is another thing, besides the Spanish Inquisition, that has been largely unexpected. That is (as you've probably already guessed by scanning the page:)
(Cue burst of dramatic music.)
Yes, the Twinkies Cookbook: An inventive and unexpected recipe collection. Its chief weapon is golden sponge cake; golden sponge cake and a creamy filling. Its two weapons are golden sponge cake and creamy filling. And ruthless efficiency. Its three weapons are...
I have no idea how you cook a Twinkie, or what you cook Twinkies in, but in all fairness I wasn't expecting this. Get your copy at Amazon.com today so that you'll know what to do with all of those extra Twinkies should Gabrielle fail to materialize.
That sounds like a great movie title or book title. It probably would be written by Tom Clancy, and the movie would star Morgan Freeman who may or may not be Canadian. In this case I'm actually going to refer to the canadian forecast model, which is commonly called the CMC. I think CMC stands for Canadian Meteorological Centre, which may explain all of this talk about Canadians.
In any event, the Canadian (the model, not Morgan Freeman) goes all nuts with a florida hurricane:
This image was cobbled together from the Experimental Forecast Tropical Cyclone Genesis Potential Fields thing at FSU, which you can find here. I set the animated GIF to run 5 times with a 5 second pause; you'll have to reload it if you want to view it, say, 6 times.
Based on my expert pixel analysis this would be headed straight for Ft. Lauderdale. While it's still early, consider these remarkable "coincidences:"
1. Ft. Lauderdale is known as the "Venice of America." Venice, as we all know, is part of an ancient civilization (Rome) that was destroyed by taxes, open-air buffets and hurricanes.
2. Ft. Lauderdale is an anagram of Dreadful Teal*, and teal is pretty close to blue, the color of hurricanes.
3. It's well known that Tom Clancy's younger brother October** lives in Ft. Lauderdale.
4. Florida, home to Ft. Lauderdale, just juts out there in the water between the very warm Gulf of Mexico and the very warm Atlantic Ocean. Many of the hurricanes that form every year in this region appear in either the Gulf of Mexico or the Atlantic Ocean.
5. In order to prevent a panic, Florida Government Officials have said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about this potential threat. Go ahead, ask them.
So if you live in Ft. Lauderdale what should you do? The Blog Hero would be happy to give you free advice but our legal team (Sven) has instead asked that this statement be issued:
The Blog Hero, Blog Hero Inc., Blog Hero Enterprises, employees and family members of Blog Hero are in no way responsible for any use, non-use, thoughtful pre-use or un-non-pre-use of any hurricane information, maps, graphics, data or datum presented on the Blog Hero blog or anywhere else on earth. Any information provided is for entertainment purposes only, but Blog Hero makes no guarantee, formal or informal, applied or air dried, that said non-informative entertainment will be entertaining. Please use or disuse all entertainment at your own risk. Blog Hero does not suggest boarding up your house with sheet metal torn off of old Navy battleships, nor does Blog Hero endorse fleeing the state of Florida for something more inland, say Idaho. Thank you.
Good luck out there!
*It's also an anagram of "Farted La Duel" but after much careful consideration and thought the Blog Hero and representatives thereof have decided not to publish this for fear of alienating members of the audience by writing the word "farted." It should be noted, however, that "Farted La Duel" has now be trademarked by Blog Hero, Inc., because it would make a really great book title. (Dreadful Teal has also be trademarked, and will be an unsuccessful garage band any day now.)
**One of Tom's famous books, The Hunt for Red October, involves the difficult family issues of adoption, line dancing and being sold into a Russian Slave Labor Ring.
Search Engine firm plans reduction in solar output, saves planet from Global Warming
Google Chairman and Chief Executive Eric Schmidt today announced that the company has reached an agreement to purchase of the sun. The sun, bought for a stock swap valued at fourteen quintrillion dollars, had no comment at press time but directed people to its new website: sun.google.com.
"Google has been mapping the sun for the last three years," Schmidt said, "and this acquisition just made sense." No immediate plans for the sun have been decided, Schmidt added, although Global Warming is the first issue the search giant plans to tackle.
"Global Warming threatens the entire earth. But not only is the entire earth threatened by Global Warming, so is Google's livelihood. We estimate it will cost at least fifteen quintrillion dollars to redraw all of our maps once the ice caps have melted and flooded the planet. In that light, purchasing the sun is a natural step for us which will result in long-term efficiencies."
Schmidt was vague when asked about specific plans to tackle Global Warming.
"Our engineers are only in the initial stages of examining the sun problem." Schmidt admitted. "We may just install a dimmer switch and turn the sun down a little bit, but it's really too early to say."
Google declined to address persistent Internet rumors that they will be charging everyone on earth a "sun tax" to keep the sun on.
State College Staring Down The Barrel of a Straw AccuWeather.com Predicts Ho-Hum Hurricane Season for Central Pennsylvania
(State College, PA - March 27, 2007) - AccuWeather.com Hurricane Center Chief Forecaster Joe Bastardi issued his early Spring hurricane forecast for central Pennsylvania, and for the thirty-fifth year in a row the hurricane outlook is grim for tropical weather fans.
"We're staring down the barrel of a straw again this year," Joe said, alluding to his forecast last year for the Northeast. When asked about that, Joe was quick to point out that his forecast for increased hurricane activity in the Northeast was for the next ten years, not just last year. He then put this author in a sleeper-hold and the next thing he knew he woke up at a Denny's over a plate of cold home fries**.
“While we don’t expect severe tropical activity in central Pennsylvania, you should never let your guard down,” said Chief Forecaster Ken Reeves. Reeves, in a Home Depot t-shirt, added “Everyone should have supplies on hand: plenty of plywood boards, nails, duct tape – maybe two rolls of duct tape, preferably the shiny silver kind. And some of those cool overalls with loops for tools.”
Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie nodded as he listened. “While we’re merely staring down the barrel of a straw this year, it’s very possible that there’s a big, wet, spitball at the other end, and Mother Nature is just now inhaling. We can never be too prepared for the tropical season, wherever we live. In fact, preparation should start in February and shouldn’t end until March of the next year. And preparation begins with AccuWeather.com - the World’s Weather Authority tee em. No don’t write that down, I mean tee em as in trademark. No don’t write that down either. Stop it!”
*Well, okay, not really. The Blog Hero's legal team - also known as "Sven" - suggested that I mention that this is "parody" which M-W.com defines as "a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule." It's also defined as "a feeble or ridiculous imitation" which may be more accurate but somehow...I don't know, but that doesn't sound as impressive. Sven defines "parody" as a harmless, amusing work of blog writing that may nor may not be accurate but likely is a protected form of writing that will not get the author sued into oblivion.
This was originally written for a special page on AccuWeather.com but was subsequently eaten by a Dingo.
Air Force and AccuWeather.com Team-Up* "Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape" Unveiled
(State College, PA - March 27, 2007) – AccuWeather.com announced a new exclusive arrangement with the United States Air Force to participate in Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape.
Just recently the United States Air Force has re-established Project Blue Book – a systematic study of Unidentified Flying Objects – under pressure from Congress and Global Warming activists. The goal of Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape is to find proof of the existence of aliens and discover how they’re contributing to global warming. The Air Force has also sold the worldwide, exclusive book and movie rights to Warner Brothers.
“AccuWeather.com’s role will be crucial,” said AccuWeather.com Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie, “because AccuWeather.com has the highest concentration of video bloggers under any single roof anywhere on Earth.”
“Or,” Mylvie added thoughtfully, “anywhere at all.”
Video evidence is expected to be crucial in the Air Force’s search for UFO proof. USAF General Nathan Twining commented on the AccuWeather.com arrangement: “There’s no doubt that we’ll be combing through the hours and hours or raw video footage provided by AccuWeather.com,” Twining said. “In fact, we expect to be devoting nine full-time people to Jesse Ferrell’s material alone.”
“I’m fairly confident that I can get some good footage for Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape. Last week’s WeatherMatrix Extraterrestrial Alien Take Off and Landing Barbeque was well attended, and we got some good material,” Ferrell said. When asked about Global Warming issues, Ferrell claimed that the group had purchased dozens of carbon credits and that they had polished off at least four cows before the meal was over.
*Well, okay, not really. The Blog Hero's legal team - also known as "Sven" - suggested that I mention that this is "parody" which M-W.com defines as "a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule." It's also defined as "a feeble or ridiculous imitation" which may be more accurate but somehow...I don't know, but that doesn't sound as impressive. Sven defines "parody" as a harmless, amusing work of blog writing that may nor may not be accurate but likely is a protected form of writing that will not get the author sued into oblivion.
This was originally written for a special page on AccuWeather.com but was subsequently eaten by a Dingo.
**You should ask him where that name came from some time.
AccuWeather.com Unveils New Hurricane Names* AccuWeather.com Taps into 80s Revival
(State College, PA - March 27, 2007) – AccuWeather.com has announced that they have created their own tropical storm name list which will, for the first time, compete with the National Hurricane Center’s list.
“The public appreciates timely, accurate weather information – but it’s clear in light of the recent Anna Nicole Smith situation that the public also responds to entertainment news,” AccuWeather.com President and Founder Dr. Moel Jyers said. “We’ve conducted hundreds of surveys and one thing jumped out at us immediately – Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie.”
Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie then jumped out from behind a stack of forecasters,** survey results in hand.
“Dr. Jyers – it’s conclusive! The eighties tested the highest in name recognition, and as a result we’ve created a new list of names based on 1980s American Television Shows,” Mylvie said.
The list, which actually includes names for every storm possibility from A to Z, draws inspiration from classics such as 21 Jump Street, Alf, Battle of the Network Stars, Father Murphy, The Love Boat, Major Dad and more.
“People will be buzzing around the water coolers in ways they haven’t since J.R. was shot, when AccuWeather.com forecasts the landfall of Hurricane Gene Gene the Dancing Machine,” Jyers said. “Not only will people be discussing the approaching storm, and where they can buy overalls and duct tape, but they’ll be fondly reminiscing about that kooky stagehand from the Gong Show.”
The entire A-Z tropical storm name list for 2007 will be unveiled June 1. An initial public release listed the following storm names: “G” - Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, “H” - Higgins, “M” - Manimal.
*Well, okay, not really. The Blog Hero's legal team - also known as "Sven" - suggested that I mention that this is "parody" which M-W.com defines as "a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule." It's also defined as "a feeble or ridiculous imitation" which may be more accurate but somehow...I don't know, but that doesn't sound as impressive. Sven defines "parody" as a harmless, amusing work of blog writing that may nor may not be accurate but likely is a protected form of writing that will not get the author sued into oblivion.
This was originally written for a special page on AccuWeather.com but was subsequently eaten by a ravenous Dingo.
**Forecasters often pile up so quickly they have to be stacked so there's a clear path to walk around the Operations Room.
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(State College, PA - March 27, 2007) –