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Balance of Power Shifts

June 3, 2009

Today we found out that we're getting a dog. It happened like this. Cassie said she wanted a dog. Okay, that was pretty much it. We, as responsible loving parents promptly "rolled over."

The first step in getting a dog is careful research of breeds, what to expect from each breed, what breed would offer us - as a unique family - the best experience and fit. Of course, we skipped that step. That step involved a lot of reading and books and stuff.

The next step was to decide where to get a dog. One option is a breeder, who somehow makes dogs, mostly out of that stuff you use in quilts, and that bendable wire and a whole lot of tape. However, that stuff you use in quilts apparently costs billions of dollars because it can only be harvested under a full moon by yak herders in the mountains of Nepal, and yak herders have recently unionized and that's affected prices. So a breeder dog costs just shy of $28,000.

So the next step after that was to look at rescued dogs. This is actually what we wanted to do, because if we can give a rescued dog a good home then we've accomplished two things: we've given a rescued dog a good home, and those yak herders don't get another dime of my hard earned money.

Cassie began browsing for a dog via Petfinder (using all of the carefully amassed data in step one) and found a candidate. However, I contacted the owner and it had just been given to someone in Nepal. The second dog Cassie found is named "Midnight." Instantly this seemed promising. There were no dogs listed like "Misery," "Despair," or "Anguish," so it was likely we would have to settle for something like "Midnight."

I contacted the owner and that set off an application process so thorough it makes me feel guilty no one questioned me more when I had live human children. I had to provide references. I had to give my birth date. I have to divulge my work place and profession. I had to share what vet we use. After the initial application, we were told the dog was being removed from the Internet because of all of the applications, but that we would be considered.

In the meantime Cassie had become the model child. Cleaning up the house, checking out dog books from the library, watching dog shows on TV - all in an attempt to learn more and roll her parents. So far her diabolical plan was working. The next step in the application process - and no I am not making this up - was to take pictures of the inside and outside of our house. At this point I passed the application process on to Alert Photographer Tammy, as there was no way I was going to photograph the interior of my house for a pet who likely wouldn't appreciate the photos I'd take anyway. I said I would support her continuing the process (this involved me standing some distance away, putting my fingers in my ears, waving my hands while making a pffffffttttttttttt! sound with my tongue) but that I wasn't going to steer it. She took the pictures and sent them off. We were hopeful that should this be a colossal mistake that God in His infinite mercy would destroy our block with a meteor.

Tammy received a response right away, and we were asked if we had a 12-year-old daughter named Cassandra, and if she had been emailing anyone at the rescue. Head smacking keyboard moment. We said yes, and if she had been a bother we apologized. She received a response to that, saying that we could have Midnight because the owner of the rescue, whom Cassie had been writing, was so impressed with her questions and her maturity.

So, with the email up on Alert Dog Acquirer Tammy's computer screen, I called Cassie into the room and asked her in a stern voice if she had been emailing about Midnight. She nervously said, "Yes, why?" Tammy said "You better read that email young lady." Trembling she sat down and read. Then she shouted and jumped up and down, laughed, screamed and sobbed all in about 60 seconds.

We will likely visit Midnight this weekend (Cassie turns 13 on Friday) and if everything seems to click we will bring him home. He's a lab/shepherd mix, and we're told that he will grow to be 18' tall and eat a buick's weight in food each day.

In a pinch he'll also be good at herding yak.

Non-Brain-Damaged Pets

April 17, 2007
doggie.jpg

Here's the alternative to the earlier animal picture, the earlier animal being a cat which, as almost all of you know, is usually brain-damaged. They don't come that way - it sort of accumulates as they grow. There may be something in the cat food that causes this. I've noticed too that with aging comes SDS - Severe Disdain Syndrome - where the cat will eventually be unable to do anything but stare at you as though you were something unimportant, like a human being.

Small Pick-Me-Up

April 17, 2007
kitten.jpg

Sorry, I had to blog about something different, and this was the most different thing I could come up with. I know cats are mostly brain-damaged, but they are cute. When they're small like that. Bonus points if you said "Awwwww" out loud. I'll try to post something for the dog lovers out there a little later (you know who you are.)

Feel like venting? Feel free to comment "Dog" or "Cat" in the comments section

Or if you prefer to laugh at your hapless host, you can try these oldies but goodies:
Carl's Catastrophic Calamity Chart (pdf)
Club Quarters Review
• Dental Day Part 1 | Part 2
• Schaads in Richmond Part 1 | Part 2
All About Clover Mites
Never Nod at an Old Gypsy Woman
Ancient Venezuelan Mower Curse

Daddy, Look at the Kittens

March 1, 2007

Alert Reader Angela sent this photo in light of my story last night about Alert Skunk Driver-Over Tammy and her Honda Stink RV. The caption she sent with the photo was "Daddy, look at the kittens!" I'm not sure if this is a family event or one of those apocryphal web stories that goes 'round and 'round. I LOL'ed though. I hope the parents have (had) stocked up on Tomato Soup.

030107cats.jpg

Rare "Prehistoric" Goblin Caught in Japan

February 12, 2007

At first, I thought scientists in Japan had caught a rare prehistoric goblin. This would have finally answered the centuries old questions of "Are there prehistoric goblins?" and "Do they live in Japan?" and "Are they hoarding dwarven gold and artificially manipulating the price of gold on international precious metal markets?" I pictured a media feeding frenzy, not unlike the one that recently occurred with Anna Nicole Smith, where the goblin would appear on Larry King Live, and Hannity and Colmes, and Nancy Grace with a little caption at the bottom the reads "Goblin Gold: Will the dwarves sue?"

It turns out, however, that the title actually read: Rare "Prehistoric" Goblin Shark Caught in Japan. Not only that, but the goblin shark did not have any dwarven gold, nor did it live long enough to appear on Larry King's show.

Top 10 Reasons Not to Own Boa Constrictors

December 18, 2006

Some excerpts:

7. Awkward pet walking sessions around the neighborhood
4. "Has anyone seen 'Fluffy?' "
1. Getting choked to death and dragged into its cage.

So in review a quick question which may or may not appear on the final: Do Boa Constrictors make good pets?

Catzilla Update

May 21, 2006

052006paw.jpg

Blog Quiz: The above picture shows:

A. A set of Dental Tools
B. A Leprechaun standing next to a pot full of Golden Delicious Twinkies
C. A cat's paw reaching under the bathroom door

If you guessed "C" you are correct. If you guess A or B I'll need to have a word with you later.

The other night I was up late, as I often am. It was around 1:30 a.m., I think, and I was downstairs making a triple-decker PBJ sandwich, since everyone else was finally asleep. Before I finished the sandwich construction I needed to use the, ah, facilities. So there I was, more or less brain dead (all useful brain activity ceases around 8 p.m. or so,) attending to business, when all of a sudden this cat paw reaches under the door and flails about, looking for a foot to grab. (What? Of course I didn't scream like a little girl, stop that.) Although I managed to not scream like a little girl (really) I was quite startled. Some things you just don't expect, no matter how ninja-like your reflexes might be. Well of course it was our kitten, Mysty, who I'm convinced spends all day plotting different ways to attack me. Sort of the feline version of Cato in the Pink Panther movies.

Getting out of the bathroom was actually a challenge, because I didn't want to just open the door and squish the cat. Well okay I thought about that but the other family members probably would have been upset.

This has happened at least two more times since that night. So I took a camera in the bathroom tonight and just waited for the attack. And, sure enough, she took the bait. I think she was a little miffed that I caught her in the act and now have photographic proof, because a little later I saw her reading "The Way Of The Ninja: Secret Techniques."