*I know you're probably not supposed to say "Mostest Odd" but I wanted to anyway, sorry.

I have a web visitors/statistics service installed that gives me basic information about people visiting Blog Hero. I frankly don't understand it. I haven't really spent a lot of time analyzing the data I get from different sources, so when something comes over the ol' RSS reader like this I'm pretty much at a loss:

That may be the weirdest visit I've ever had. You'll note that not only is this person apparently visiting from Tehran, Iran (can you even DO that in Tehran, Iran?) but they're checking out the Aliens/Bigfoot/Elvis topic page. (Mind you, that's a great bunch of articles.) The most recent article there is about Galactic Freedom Day, so perhaps this is some pro-freedom minded Iranian searching for information via Google on freedom. That would be very said, as I could see him getting into my blog, which has almost no useful information about anything, let alone freedom, and then he'd be discovered by some Internet Police Group and hauled away. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

If you would have told me in college that I would one day "write regularly" and that people all over the world would read it, I would have said two things to you:

1. You're completely insane (And you probably were)
and
2. Will that pay well (It doesn't)

Still, it's interesting... mostestly.

Posted by Carl at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I wanted to lead by example and let everyone know that I made my online purchase for someone else just now. I sent a Ghirardelli chocolate gift basket, quite possibly the best chocolate in the world - a chocolate so good it was probably given to us by Aliens millennia ago. The person(s) I sent it to I have never met, but we've chatted via email over common web design interests. I'll let you know what, if any, reaction I get.

So, there you go. It's pretty easy,,,and I feel really good about it. I've seen Cassie cheer up maybe hundreds of Disney Cast Members merely by engaging them, asking for their autograph and giving them a few miinutes, at least, to feel like a star. It's a great thing to watch. And while I am unlikely to ask the local townsfolk for their autographs, I don't think I'm ready to give up that feeling of seeing someone hit with "Disney Magic" and so I'm going to explore similar options. A gift-giving-just-because holiday seems like a good start.

Any other suggestions would be warmly welcome! Maybe it would make a good book.

Posted by Carl at 1:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now that the writers strike is over I can get back to blogging more regularly. I was on strike with them not only as a show of solidarity, but also because I wanted some sort of cut from all of the DVDs being made of my blog. And...a bigger cut of the movie rights, and book rights, and Blog Hero™ Action Figures*. I can say now with pride that all of my demands have been met. What? No, I suppose there aren't any DVDs, movies, Action Figures** or lunch boxes. But! Just you wait!

Besides sharing the good news about the lunch boxes, I wanted to accomplish two things here. The first is: I'm drowning in spam.

No, not that kind of spam. That would be really gross. I mean the computer spam that comes in to the comments. Some of it is very, very vile stuff. The rest of it is for levitra, viagra and ambien. I've given some thought to eliminating the comments feature, since it's not used extensively. If you are not selling viagra and levitra and you have a strong feeling either way, leave a, ah, comment.

The second thing I wanted to ask is - What is a blogger? I ask this because I had an interesting conversation about this recently and it was postulated (I won't say by who***) that the term is defined too loosely. That is, anyone who posts anything public becomes a "blogger." Is that it? Or do you think you have to rise to some sort of minimal standard of quality and quantity?

Or, do you just have to have a line of lunch boxes?

*With Karate Chop Action

**Also With Karate Chop Action

***or, if you prefer, whom

Posted by Carl at 11:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Cassie had a Tae Kwan Do exhibition today at a baseball game. Well, actually, before the baseball game. The event was at "Medlar Field at Lubrano Park" which sounds to me like some sort of naming compromise, as in the Medlars and the Lubranos both help build the park. But really, I have no idea and haven't looked into it.

The park and the field are really beautiful. MFaLP is home to the State College Spikes, which at first might sound like some sort of ninja weapon but actually refers to a deer or a moose or something. You can find their site here. Their mascot is "Ike the Spike" who in addition to being a deer or a moose or something is also a third degree black belt and master of the katana.

Many of Cassie's TKD classmates were on hand for a special demonstration of TKD forms, battling, catapult usage, walking on coals and breaking boards with one's head. Cassie, having inherited a good bit of common sense from the Schaad side of the family (recessive trait) decided to volunteer for board breaking with the elbow. She did marvelously - the board had little chance really - and the crowd at the Spikes' game was very supportive, especially Ike who waved his katana in a sort of moose-like salute.

The weather was gorgeous, and Carl managed to snap a few pictures that accidentally came out okay.

Posted by Carl at 9:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I live in State College, Pennsylvania - although if you asked me where I lived I would say "State College, PEE AY" as in PA because all of us here are simply exhausted from saying "Penn-Syl-Vain-Ee-Uh." I honestly don't know how Californians do it, saying "California" all of the time instead of "SEE AY" as in CA. Well, except for the Governor - he's in pretty good shape and doesn't get winded so easily.

There's a fanciful (yet completely true!) story about the birth of State College. State College, PA was founded by Joe Paterno, who at the tender age of 16 cleared whole acres of forest with a giant axe and a blue ox. The blue ox was named "Nittany Lion" and yes I think that's a horrible name for a blue ox. When JoePa (we call him "JoePa" because saying "Joe Pa-Ter-No" quickly becomes tiring) first founded the town there were no Lowe's or Home Depot stores. (Or Red Robins or Macaroni Grills, but that's a story for another post.) Eventually Lowe's discovered our sleepy community and built a store here.

The evolution of home improvement shopping in State College is a colorful (yet completely true!) tale that while completely true! may be hard to believe. The story goes something like this: Home Depot found out that Lowe's had built a store in State College and Home Depot, having a policy about these sorts of things, decided that they would come into town too. They arranged to get a key piece of real estate right off of a major road through town. But before they started building their store, Lowe's decided to relocate their existing store next to the future Home Depot, a move of about three miles from their current location.

Lowe's succeeded in building their store before Home Depot starting digging. Their old building still sits vacant months later (though rumor has it Kohl's is coming) as Home Depot finally begins construction. Why do these home improvement box stores like to go head to head? Well that's a whimsical (yet completely true!) yarn traced back to the founders of Lowe's and Home Depot, who are brothers. Years ago the brothers had a falling out and now, largely out of spite, whenever one of the companies puts a new store in a town the other moves in right next door. Unbelievable!

Okay, yes, that's unbelievable. It turns out that the Lowe's/Home Depot Brothers story isn't true after all. I found this urban myth (and a few even more colorful variants) debunked thoroughly at Snopes.

So why does it seem like the two stores are always built near each other? Because that's the best place to build. According to this Pensacola News Journal article, the requirements of building a large home improvement store usually result in the two chains being near each other. How usually? A spokesperson for Lowe's claimed that 78% of Lowe's stores are located within 10 miles of their competition (I'm assuming Home Depot here).

Another outlandish (yet completely true!) claim by the Lowe's spokesperson: Lowe's does not "deliberately locate its stores across the street from its business rival."

So all of the behind the scenes home improvement machinations in State College? Apparently they're not what they seem. Just like the story of JoePa and his ox.

(It was really more of a teal color.)

Posted by Carl at 2:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

That sounds like a great movie title or book title. It probably would be written by Tom Clancy, and the movie would star Morgan Freeman who may or may not be Canadian. In this case I'm actually going to refer to the canadian forecast model, which is commonly called the CMC. I think CMC stands for Canadian Meteorological Centre, which may explain all of this talk about Canadians.

In any event, the Canadian (the model, not Morgan Freeman) goes all nuts with a florida hurricane:

This image was cobbled together from the Experimental Forecast Tropical Cyclone Genesis Potential Fields thing at FSU, which you can find here. I set the animated GIF to run 5 times with a 5 second pause; you'll have to reload it if you want to view it, say, 6 times.

Based on my expert pixel analysis this would be headed straight for Ft. Lauderdale. While it's still early, consider these remarkable "coincidences:"

1. Ft. Lauderdale is known as the "Venice of America." Venice, as we all know, is part of an ancient civilization (Rome) that was destroyed by taxes, open-air buffets and hurricanes.

2. Ft. Lauderdale is an anagram of Dreadful Teal*, and teal is pretty close to blue, the color of hurricanes.

3. It's well known that Tom Clancy's younger brother October** lives in Ft. Lauderdale.

4. Florida, home to Ft. Lauderdale, just juts out there in the water between the very warm Gulf of Mexico and the very warm Atlantic Ocean. Many of the hurricanes that form every year in this region appear in either the Gulf of Mexico or the Atlantic Ocean.

5. In order to prevent a panic, Florida Government Officials have said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about this potential threat. Go ahead, ask them.

So if you live in Ft. Lauderdale what should you do? The Blog Hero would be happy to give you free advice but our legal team (Sven) has instead asked that this statement be issued:

The Blog Hero, Blog Hero Inc., Blog Hero Enterprises, employees and family members of Blog Hero are in no way responsible for any use, non-use, thoughtful pre-use or un-non-pre-use of any hurricane information, maps, graphics, data or datum presented on the Blog Hero blog or anywhere else on earth. Any information provided is for entertainment purposes only, but Blog Hero makes no guarantee, formal or informal, applied or air dried, that said non-informative entertainment will be entertaining. Please use or disuse all entertainment at your own risk. Blog Hero does not suggest boarding up your house with sheet metal torn off of old Navy battleships, nor does Blog Hero endorse fleeing the state of Florida for something more inland, say Idaho. Thank you.

Good luck out there!

*It's also an anagram of "Farted La Duel" but after much careful consideration and thought the Blog Hero and representatives thereof have decided not to publish this for fear of alienating members of the audience by writing the word "farted." It should be noted, however, that "Farted La Duel" has now be trademarked by Blog Hero, Inc., because it would make a really great book title. (Dreadful Teal has also be trademarked, and will be an unsuccessful garage band any day now.)

**One of Tom's famous books, The Hunt for Red October, involves the difficult family issues of adoption, line dancing and being sold into a Russian Slave Labor Ring.

Posted by Carl at 10:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I came up with a new e-book idea, and this one will be aimed at kids. This is extraordinarily clever, because kids are all about being online and buying stuff and getting hip with the community scene.* They also have nearly limitless spending money, also know as Their Parent's Money.

The e-book is actually very simple. It's tentatively titled, "How to Avoid Getting Caught Doing Really Stupid Stuff." I know, parents everywhere are having convulsions just at the thought of one of us (parents, stay with me here) spilling the beans on how we catch kids doing really stupid stuff, but there's so much money to be made here I can't resist.

I would list all of the things I plan to include in the e-book because some of it is really quite amusing but then the kids would just come here and print out the blog entry and probably not buy my e-book so much. And then they would have all of this dangerous information AND I would still be broke, so I can't really do that. But here are a few amusing excerpts:

Amusing Excerpt 1: Kids - your parents do the laundry! That's right, the clothes you take off of your body and put in the hamper (or on your closet floor) eventually make their way to the clothes washer, then the dryer, then are folded (again, by parents) and put back in your drawers. No, it is not Santa, your teacher, the pizza delivery guy, or the Laundry Fairy. And here's the important part kids: THE PARENTS ARE COUNTING. That's right. They know that it's been nine days since they did the wash, yet your laundry count is nineteen shirts, five socks and two pairs of underwear.

So what's the answer? Keep count yourself, and pad the laundry! That's right. If you somehow managed to wear nineteen shirts in nine days, make sure you throw in some extra socks and underwear. Your parents will be totally baffled - and none the wiser.

Amusing Excerpt 2: Don't eat the last of anything! For example, let's say you live in a family of four, two parents and two kids. And let's say that one parent and two kids like chocolate ice cream. And let's say there's a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream in the freezer. If you actually take out the carton, EAT ALL OF THE ICE CREAM, and then put the carton back in the freezer, the parents will figure out who did it. How is this Houdini-like feat accomplished? I'll tell you!

First, remember one parent didn't like chocolate ice cream. That brings our total suspects to three (4-1). The other parent will know if he or she ate any ice cream, and (this is the vital part) confer with their partner about the ice cream. Now we only have two suspects (3-1). From there, the parent will deduce which of the children was the most desperate for ice cream based on what they ate that day, when they were alone with the refrigerator, which child changed their shirt two extra times and had chocolate ice cream stains all over it, etc. The important point here: An EMPTY CARTON in the freezer tips off parents! The key is to steal only little bits of ice cream each day, thus allaying suspicion (or at least delaying the inevitable.) And if you spill, don't forget to throw some extra socks and underwear in the hamper too.

As you can see these tips will be invaluable for kids. I'm also going to have an entire chapter dedicated to electronics and video games, with a bonus section, "How to Leave the Lights On and Make Your Parents Think They Did It." I'm thinking of asking $24.95.

That's only four gallons of ice cream or so.

*Well, I AM almost 40.

Posted by Carl at 11:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've been working late many nights, redesigning my design site which is slowly congealing like molasses*, and my office has a little lamp that I love. It's from shortly after electricity was invented (which, as most of you know, was invented when George Washington tied some tungsten to a cherry tree) and it casts a really pleasing yellow-orange glow. However, it's located right next to my window, which currently has no blinds because I had to give them to my daughter as hers met with some ghastly end. When I asked her what happened, she sort of looked at me with a blank stare which seemed to say, "Why are you even going there?" and then she said, "I dunno." This of course was to be the end of the questioning, but I summoned all of my fatherly instincts and said, "Say again?" which of course she did. "I dunno." The second time she said it a little louder, like I was going deaf or something. (Well, I AM almost forty now.)

Anyway, because I had no blinds, and because I have this little turn-of-the-century (the other, last century) lamp, the window gets covered with bugs. I mean on the outside. If it was the inside I wouldn't be writing this, I would be screaming and spraying myself with RAID® until I was unconscious. And these aren't little bugs, like gnats, which even in great numbers aren't too threatening. These are like bugs from the Underworld. Like the Devil's Bugs. Like, if you were to go deep underground in some long-forgotten cave, and then just as you got to the heart of the cave system you suddenly turned on a light and flipped over a big rock on the ground - yeah, those kinds of bugs. I know, "Oh, there he GOES again." And "Sure, devil bugs, right." But I mean REALLY. I tried to take a picture, because I knew you would be thinking that, but all I ended up with was a giant flash on the window (the bugs are on the other side, remember.)

So...I'm not sure what to do. My fatherly instinct is to go steal my blinds back from my daughter. And when she wakes up in the middle of the night, and there's a six-foot-long devil bug clinging to her window, trying to get in to the night light, and she runs screaming to me to ask what happened to her blinds, I can just say "I dunno" and give her the can of RAID®.

*Yes, it's true. The only reason I wrote all of this was to say "congealing like molasses." In fact, I'm not even sure what that would mean but I think it will figure prominently in my forth-coming autobiography: "Carl Schaad, A Forthcoming Autobiography: Congealing like Molasses" OR it will figure prominently in my obituary, as in: "The viewing will be at State College Evangelical Free Church, where Carl Schaad will be congealing like molasses."

Posted by Carl at 10:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A "device similar to a pipe bomb," or a "pipe bomb-like" device, or a "low-level crude device," but a device that definitely was not a pipe bomb, exploded and killed a trash can at Disney World's Downtown Disney. The trash can has not been identified yet pending notification of next-of-kin.

Authorities do not yet know why anyone wanted to blow up this particular trash can. The incident occurred at 12:30 a.m., which is when the Orange County Sheriff's Department responded to a call placed by an Alert Disney Security Person. Federal authorities have been involved but have not taken charge of the investigation.

So far the investigation has revealed that the device, which was pipe bomb-like, had "end caps" which is one of the things that made it pipe bomb-like (in addition to the exploding part).

The trash can in question was behind the Cirque du Soleil theater. There is no confirmation that the trash can itself was French. French authorities had no comment when asked about the trash can.

"We have no comment" French authorities said.

More on this breaking story as it becomes available.

Posted by Carl at 4:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

No really, I did. Over the weekend I took Cassie to a rock show. If you're not familiar with these types of things, a rock show is a large gathering of people who set up tables, stands, crates and boxes to show off their rocks. The rocks are amazing: there are big rocks, small rocks, clean rocks, dirty rocks, rocks that are very expensive and (a few) rocks that are cheap.

Actually, to be fair, they don't call the rocks "rocks." They usually use fancy terms, like "gems," "gemstones," "minerals," "fossils," or "plutonium." Generally the larger the rock, and the fancier the term, the more expensive the price tag. Cassie has always been into the rock scene, so to speak, and so going to a rock show was a huge deal for her. Of course, I was selected as the Rock Hero, mostly because I - as a man - can relate to rocks. (I'm not sure what that means either, but Alert Complimenter Tammy gave me a look that suggested it was a good thing.)

The highlight of the show wasn't even the show, though. The highlight was the field trip. I had advanced, insider information that said there would be a field trip to a rock gathering site (a.k.a. "The Outdoors") at 11 a.m. So we arrived early, checked in and signed up for the field trip. When it was time to go, I found out that there were two people going on the field trip: Me, and Cassie. Talk about your one-on-one teaching time! Our Rock Guide, Andy, was brilliant. We drove out of town for about 15 minutes and stopped by the side of the road. On one side was a dense growth of trees; on the other side, a sheer cliff going straight up into the sky covered by loose slate. R.G. Andy (Rock Guide Andy) explained that it wasn't as steep as it looked, and if you sort of lean towards the ground and walk sideways you probably would be able to climb up it but if you started falling and sliding to try and grab on to a large rock or prickly weed so that you didn't slide into the street and get hit by a semi.

All kidding aside (there weren't that many semis) we had a great time digging up rocks and crystals (a kind of rock). Cassie spotted an exposed vein of calcite and found a really nice specimen (a kind of rock.) I may take a picture of it for the blog. She also found various fossils (a kind of rock with dead animals) that R.G. Andy would take the time to describe. It turns out that R.G. Andy had several doctorates in various things, like earth sciences and weed identification and vertical sheer loose slate covered mountain climbing, and so I suppose I should call him Dr. Andy.

I was quite proud of Cassie and her behavior, interest in rocks and everything that Dr. Andy told her. Although, there were occasional lulls in speaking while we were examing rocks and Cassie would pipe up with something like, "Ooo! A stick!" and I would just wonder what I was doing there and how much longer it would be before I twisted my ankle and got home and would hear Tammy say, "You did WHAT?"

All in all, though, a great bonding time. And, best of all, I Got a Rock!

Posted by Carl at 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well there's been a definite dearth of blog posts lately, which gives me a great opportunity to use the word "dearth" in a blog post. Yes, yes, I'll wait while you fetch the dictionary. (Or just go to M-W.com) One of the reasons for this dearth is because we've been eagerly anticipating the arrival of today, June 14. For, you see, today Alert Birthday Girl Tammy has turned

That's forty, as in ten plus ten plus ten plus five plus a few more. Forty is significant for a number of reasons:

1. It's the first number in Roman Numerals to use the mysterious "L". Oh, sure, some Romans just kept using Xs as in "XXXX" but those people were widely derided as yahoos.

2. Forty is the first number after the 30s, as in "Well the 30s are all gone now. We're all out of 30s. Yup, no more 30s."

3. Forty is a great biblical number, being the number of years the Israelites wandered in the desert, the number of days Christ fasted, the number of plagues in Egypt*, and the number of cats on the ark**.

4. It's the age at which you start appearing on various mailing lists, such as AARP.

For those of you just joining the program, I was explaining how Alert Birthday Girl Tammy, who may or may not be my wife, just turned

You're probably asking how we celebrated this cataclysmic event of biblical proportions. Go on, you can ask. I'll wait. How did we celebrate this cataclysmic event of biblical proportion? In a very subdued manner. For the Alert Birthday Girl specifically requested a low-key day. The kids presented their birthday tributes, and we had a cake from Cold Stone Creamery that cost somewhere north of Five Thousand Dollars (and was worth every penny), and I gave her a top secret present that I can't reveal here until some time has passed. But I had specific instructions not to tell anyone that it was Alert Birthday Girl Tammy's birthday or that she was going to be

So I'm keeping that, you know, under wraps.

*One day I'll go into more detail about the 30 other, lesser-known plagues, such as the plague of clover mites, and the plague of gingivitis, and the plague of that green stuff that forms on top of the sour cream after several weeks, but that's all fodder for another post.

**Moses*** originally tried to explain to the cats that only two were allowed, but the cats just gave Moses that look, you know, that look of total disdain that only cats can do, and then walked past him and found a comfy corner on deck 3.

***Not THAT Moses, but Moses, the third cousin of Noah who was, ah, out looking for some sour cream when the rain hit.

Posted by Carl at 7:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Have you ever noticed that no matter how much two people love each other, all of that love can unravel in about 7 minutes if the two people have to move a large piece of furniture outside?

"Stop pushing!"
"It's scraping the walls!"
"Ow! That's my foot!"
"What do you THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

Of course, this would never happen at the Schaad House, I'm just - you know - relating what other people have shared with me. This is particularly relevant because tonight is Bulk Trash Pickup Eve. It's that magical time of year when couches, chairs, giant marble sculptures, old desks, very small rocks, churches, lead, and so on, come out of people's homes - usually under the cover of darkness - and sit at the curb all attentive-like, waiting for the Bulk Trash Persons to come and Pick Them Up. As such, I was informed that a couch of ours (I'll call him "Phil") had to go.

Phil had been with us for many years. Actually, the term "decade" might be involved, but I'm not going to get into Phil's age. That's just plain rude. Phil started out as any new couch starts out: All shiny, perfectly groomed, smelling slightly of anti-stain chemicals that make you feel happy if you sniff for too long. Phil was, when purchased, very stylish. This lasted for about eight weeks, at which point Phil was no longer stylish.

You see, Phil let himself go. Various beverages eventually wore down his anti-staining defenses. Phil's trampoline-like qualities diminished over time. He seemed to gain a great deal of weight when we moved into the new house, such that the living room in which he was placed filled up with his mere presence. He began to groan loudly when sat upon - which really puts off visitors. And then one day the final straw.

Phil was particularly tired during a marathon Law & Order viewing. Twelve straight hours proved too much, and one of his cushions split. Not quite split like the Grand Canyon, but nonetheless a split that spelled his doom. Alert Furniture Inspector Tammy looked him over one day with a "Hmmm." and a shake of her head and I knew it was time. For, you see, Bulk Trash Pickup was only a few weeks away. She looked at me and gave me the thumbs down signal and left the room.

It was just me and Phil. I sat down on his good cushion. "Sorry, Phil." I started. "It's just...you know, you've lost your spring. You've gotten too big. You're cushions are going. And, really, you don't smell very good anymore." Phil just sat there in silence. I could tell he was beside himself. I tried to cheer him up.

"Phil, someone may adopt you. It's Bulk Trash Pickup Day! You know that people roam the neighborhood in their trucks, looking for bargains. Hey, I'll even put a sign on you. 'FREE!' You'll be adopted by morning."

So Tammy and I took Phil out tonight. There was a lot of back and forth as we tried to maneuver him through the door and out into the garage:

"Dear, your immense muscles are causing you to move too quickly - I can't keep up."
"Oh, Snookus, be careful! I think we may have just accidentally put a deep gash in the wall."
"Sweetie - my toes. My toes are being crushed Dear."
"Muffin...muffin, what are you doing muffin? That was my head muffin."

But eventually Phil made it to the curb. I thought, as I dropped him in place, that I heard a muffled sob. I can't be sure. Tammy and I sat down one last time, right there on Phil and next to the mailbox. Already we saw people in trucks driving around the neighborhood, flatbeds in tow full of old furniture. I gave Phil a pat.

"Adopted by morning Phil. Just you wait."

Inside I bet Tammy $50 that the couch would still be there at 8am. She took the bet, sure that Phil will find a new home.

Woo hoo! FIFTY BUCKS!

Posted by Carl at 9:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

King Tut says "Hello" and sends his regards to everyone reading the blog. No, really, I have it in writing. Oh, okay, I made that up never mind. He's actually been dead for a very long time. Almost as long as the milk in my fridge has been expired.

It's taken a few days to recover from our foray into the city. Alert Infrequent Reader and Good Friend Lisa refers to me as "Country Mouse" now, which apparently is NOT a Disney reference but refers to some other children's story where there is a country mouse and a city mouse, and at the beginning of the story the country mouse goes to the city to visit her cousin the city mouse, but on the way gets off at the wrong subway exit and is mugged, losing her iPod full of Garth Brooks, her cash and debit card, and her roll-behind luggage. I'm not sure what happens after that; I think she files a police report but they don't investigate because, well, she's a country mouse but later there's an investigation and several city police mice are indicted. I think a politician gets involved and there are ruined careers and lots of 24 hour cable news shows end up interviewing everybody. Country mouse goes back to the country and decides not to see King Tut visit the city ever again, or at least not for three hundred years.

What do you mean you haven't heard of this story either?

In any event, I'll have photos and stories about our trip up soon. Just as soon as I put Google Adsense on here, because they I can deduct the entire trip as a business expense. Well, I'm going to pretend that I can do that until I speak to an accountant who will probably just laugh at me, and then kick me out of his office but not before he takes my iPod and debit card.

It was interesting reading the news after coming back home and finding out that 11 people were shot to death in Philadelphia over the weekend. Of course, Philadelphia is a large place and there are a lot of people (with and without iPods) so that number may seem large (particularly to the 11 people involved) but maybe it's not as dramatic as it sounds.

One of the highlights of the trip, though, would have to be when we left Philadelphia - immediately hitting traffic that was stopped. It took us one hour (and I am not making this up) to go three miles. I'll share what the cause of that was later...

Posted by Carl at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Okay, so I took Alert Salad Consumer Tammy out to dinner last night where she had a, well, salad. I had the hot turkey sandwich - you know, some hot turkey, stuffing, bread, mashed potatoes - which was quite tasty but about three-quarters through the meal I realized that I hadn't portioned each side dish properly and I was going to end the meal with left over stuffing! Ahhh! Then I realized that it was probably strange that I had to take bites of each of the different sides at a time. THEN I realized that I did this with most of my meals. Which made me wonder, is this okay or some sort of warning sign?

So here's my vital research: leave a comment and let me know, do you:

A. Mix your food,
B. Eat it separately,
C. Just eat so you can get finished before Wheel of Fortune comes on?

Whew! Thanks in advance. Those of you who are mixers can feel free to share tips on how to maintain that delicate balance until the end of the meal.

Posted by Carl at 2:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well the snow is flying...somewhere in upstate New York. Apparently at some point over the weekend we went from 6-25" to 3-6" to 1-4" to 3" of rain. I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or thrilled. I think I'm somewhere in-between. Perhaps I'm phlegmatic. I still have that cold and all.

This weekend was quite exciting, as a Schaad took two golds over the weekend. That would be Cassie - and the two golds were for her fencing meet. Her team took the gold metal, and her school won the overall gold (thanks to an outstanding show by the girls team.) She was thrilled, of course, as were we all. This year the school she competes with will graduate a lot of people, so next year's competition should be interesting.

Two more uninteresting Schaad updates:

1. I still have a cold, and my home remedy of eating as much ice cream as possible is meeting with very little success. But a little bird named JB told me that spring is coming this week, and I'm hopeful that the warmer weather might help where the ice cream hasn't.

2. This past Easter saw the unveiling of the iBunny, depicted below. The kids and I played group Easter bunny and got Tammy her first Easter basket since we've been married. Goodies included chocolate, chocolate, hand-made cards, plastic eggs with chocolate, and a Gund bunny with an ipod shuffle. The bunny was listening to the ipod at the time, which apparently made it more difficult to notice than the, ah, chocolate. See if you can find the hidden ipod in the picture below.

Posted by Carl at 11:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

State College Staring Down The Barrel of a Straw
AccuWeather.com Predicts Ho-Hum Hurricane Season for Central Pennsylvania

(State College, PA - March 27, 2007) - AccuWeather.com Hurricane Center Chief Forecaster Joe Bastardi issued his early Spring hurricane forecast for central Pennsylvania, and for the thirty-fifth year in a row the hurricane outlook is grim for tropical weather fans.

"We're staring down the barrel of a straw again this year," Joe said, alluding to his forecast last year for the Northeast. When asked about that, Joe was quick to point out that his forecast for increased hurricane activity in the Northeast was for the next ten years, not just last year. He then put this author in a sleeper-hold and the next thing he knew he woke up at a Denny's over a plate of cold home fries**.

“While we don’t expect severe tropical activity in central Pennsylvania, you should never let your guard down,” said Chief Forecaster Ken Reeves. Reeves, in a Home Depot t-shirt, added “Everyone should have supplies on hand: plenty of plywood boards, nails, duct tape – maybe two rolls of duct tape, preferably the shiny silver kind. And some of those cool overalls with loops for tools.”

Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie nodded as he listened. “While we’re merely staring down the barrel of a straw this year, it’s very possible that there’s a big, wet, spitball at the other end, and Mother Nature is just now inhaling. We can never be too prepared for the tropical season, wherever we live. In fact, preparation should start in February and shouldn’t end until March of the next year. And preparation begins with AccuWeather.com - the World’s Weather Authority tee em. No don’t write that down, I mean tee em as in trademark. No don’t write that down either. Stop it!”

To speak with a sardonic ex-blogger about this story, email schaad@accuweather.com.

*Well, okay, not really. The Blog Hero's legal team - also known as "Sven" - suggested that I mention that this is "parody" which M-W.com defines as "a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule." It's also defined as "a feeble or ridiculous imitation" which may be more accurate but somehow...I don't know, but that doesn't sound as impressive. Sven defines "parody" as a harmless, amusing work of blog writing that may nor may not be accurate but likely is a protected form of writing that will not get the author sued into oblivion.

This was originally written for a special page on AccuWeather.com but was subsequently eaten by a Dingo.

For the REAL AccuWeather.com Hurricane Outlook, go here. (Especially if you live in the Gulf.)

**They weren't very good by the time I woke up.

Posted by Carl at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Air Force and AccuWeather.com Team-Up*
"Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape" Unveiled

(State College, PA - March 27, 2007) – AccuWeather.com announced a new exclusive arrangement with the United States Air Force to participate in Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape.

Just recently the United States Air Force has re-established Project Blue Book – a systematic study of Unidentified Flying Objects – under pressure from Congress and Global Warming activists. The goal of Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape is to find proof of the existence of aliens and discover how they’re contributing to global warming. The Air Force has also sold the worldwide, exclusive book and movie rights to Warner Brothers.

“AccuWeather.com’s role will be crucial,” said AccuWeather.com Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie, “because AccuWeather.com has the highest concentration of video bloggers under any single roof anywhere on Earth.”

“Or,” Mylvie added thoughtfully, “anywhere at all.”

Video evidence is expected to be crucial in the Air Force’s search for UFO proof. USAF General Nathan Twining commented on the AccuWeather.com arrangement: “There’s no doubt that we’ll be combing through the hours and hours or raw video footage provided by AccuWeather.com,” Twining said. “In fact, we expect to be devoting nine full-time people to Jesse Ferrell’s material alone.”

Jesse Ferrell is the AccuWeather.com Community Director and Subscription Manager and the Founder of WeatherMatrix**, a weather enthusiast’s organization that claims to have over a dozen extraterrestrials as members.

“I’m fairly confident that I can get some good footage for Project Blue Book 2: Caught on Tape. Last week’s WeatherMatrix Extraterrestrial Alien Take Off and Landing Barbeque was well attended, and we got some good material,” Ferrell said. When asked about Global Warming issues, Ferrell claimed that the group had purchased dozens of carbon credits and that they had polished off at least four cows before the meal was over.

To speak with a sardonic ex-blogger about this story, email schaad@accuweather.com.

*Well, okay, not really. The Blog Hero's legal team - also known as "Sven" - suggested that I mention that this is "parody" which M-W.com defines as "a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule." It's also defined as "a feeble or ridiculous imitation" which may be more accurate but somehow...I don't know, but that doesn't sound as impressive. Sven defines "parody" as a harmless, amusing work of blog writing that may nor may not be accurate but likely is a protected form of writing that will not get the author sued into oblivion.

This was originally written for a special page on AccuWeather.com but was subsequently eaten by a Dingo.

**You should ask him where that name came from some time.

Posted by Carl at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

AccuWeather.com Unveils New Hurricane Names*
AccuWeather.com Taps into 80s Revival

(State College, PA - March 27, 2007) – AccuWeather.com has announced that they have created their own tropical storm name list which will, for the first time, compete with the National Hurricane Center’s list.

“The public appreciates timely, accurate weather information – but it’s clear in light of the recent Anna Nicole Smith situation that the public also responds to entertainment news,” AccuWeather.com President and Founder Dr. Moel Jyers said. “We’ve conducted hundreds of surveys and one thing jumped out at us immediately – Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie.”

Communications Ninja Sichael Mylvie then jumped out from behind a stack of forecasters,** survey results in hand.

“Dr. Jyers – it’s conclusive! The eighties tested the highest in name recognition, and as a result we’ve created a new list of names based on 1980s American Television Shows,” Mylvie said.

The list, which actually includes names for every storm possibility from A to Z, draws inspiration from classics such as 21 Jump Street, Alf, Battle of the Network Stars, Father Murphy, The Love Boat, Major Dad and more.

“People will be buzzing around the water coolers in ways they haven’t since J.R. was shot, when AccuWeather.com forecasts the landfall of Hurricane Gene Gene the Dancing Machine,” Jyers said. “Not only will people be discussing the approaching storm, and where they can buy overalls and duct tape, but they’ll be fondly reminiscing about that kooky stagehand from the Gong Show.”

The entire A-Z tropical storm name list for 2007 will be unveiled June 1. An initial public release listed the following storm names: “G” - Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, “H” - Higgins, “M” - Manimal.

To speak with a sardonic ex-blogger about this story, email schaad@accuweather.com.

*Well, okay, not really. The Blog Hero's legal team - also known as "Sven" - suggested that I mention that this is "parody" which M-W.com defines as "a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule." It's also defined as "a feeble or ridiculous imitation" which may be more accurate but somehow...I don't know, but that doesn't sound as impressive. Sven defines "parody" as a harmless, amusing work of blog writing that may nor may not be accurate but likely is a protected form of writing that will not get the author sued into oblivion.

This was originally written for a special page on AccuWeather.com but was subsequently eaten by a ravenous Dingo.

**Forecasters often pile up so quickly they have to be stacked so there's a clear path to walk around the Operations Room.

Posted by Carl at 2:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you would have told me a few years ago that I would be writing meaningless drivel here, and that people would actually be reading it, I would have said "Really?" It would sort of be a surprised really, like what you might say to someone who just told you that Britney Spears checked herself out of rehab they caught a leprechaun in their mouse trap and he gave them a pot of gold and shiny new flatware.

BUT, if you would have told me a few years ago that I would be writing meaningless drivel here, and that people would actually be reading it from Europe, Spain*, India, Saudia Arabia and the Philippines, I would have said "Get OUT!" It would be a exclamation of shock and wonder, sort of like what you might say to someone who just told you that Britney Spears checked herself into rehab it was going to snow in State College.

So, if you're reading tonight from the Mideast, Asia, Atlantis or Spain*, welcome!

*Late-breaking Blog Hero Update: Spain is actually considered part of Europe, and there is no truth to the rumors that Europe almost always picked Spain last for kick-ball, or gave Spain humongous wedgies. Thank you.

Posted by Carl at 9:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I was laying around today and for no good reason at all this poem leapt to mind:

Beans, Beans,
Good for your heart.
The more you eat,
The more you contribute to Global Warming.

Like I said, I have no idea where that came from or what it means.

Posted by Carl at 9:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Way back in 1994 Alert Christmas Letter Writer Tammy asked me if I would type up a Christmas Letter that we could sent to all of our family and friends. Without realizing what I was doing I agreed, thinking "How hard could THAT be?" Well, here we are in 2006, a dozen years later, and I'm still writing the Christmas Letter. At first the letter was quite boring; a recitation of the year's events whose sole purpose was to bring everyone up-to-date. But then it took on a life of its own, and became this long-winded, bizarre, why-doesn't-he-just-get-a-blog sort of letter. Now people pass the letter around to their friends and family, and more people than necessary know the inner workings of the Schaad clan.

I thought about posting a PDF version of the letter here. I'm not sure there would be any interest, and I think everything covered in the letter was blogged about at one point or another. (Well, almost everything.) If you'd like your copy, drop me a note or a comment. I take MC, VISA and Paypal...

In any event, just in case I forget or get too busy fighting off shopping Ninjas in my last minute dash to wrap up the Christmas Gift procurement - a very Merry Christmas to all, and a joy-filled and prosperous New Year!

Posted by Carl at 3:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've written about my Main Character theory before, but I don't know if it was in this blog or another previous blog that rhymes with "nerdy ate snow." It's my own personal theory that everyone looks at themselves as the Main Character in a Movie about Them. This does a great job of explaining so many of the weird things that happen in life - and explains so much behavior that, when examined rationally, appears completely irrational. In fact, the mere process of examining someone else's irrational behavior is done by people who think they're the Main Character in a Movie about Them, so of course other people are irrational.

The reason I was thinking about this was because I've been very busy these past few weeks and haven't had as much time for the blog as I would like, and figured someone would check in with me at some point. That made me think about the blog from someone else's point of view, where I was merely something they occasionally read and maybe even laughed at, instead of being the Main Character in a Movie about Me. Hmm. Did that make any sense?

Of course, that thought-train left the station and made a dozen different stops, at oft-visited stations such as "Why am I blogging," "Is there any sort of future in this," and "Pittsburgh." Fortunately the train didn't stay very long at "Pittsburgh."

I did receive some notes about the blog, which is gratifying in that people care enough to check in. I'll probably post something later today unless of course this counts in which case "Whew that's done." Alert Reader Brandi sent me a list of blogger questions for me to answer, and one of them was "What do I enjoy most about blogging?" I won't answer that here, since she'll one day publish her findings, but it did make me think about writing, blogging, and career choices, the last of which I'm still struggling with and should really figure out soon.

On a completely unrelated note, I recently shared with some friends that if I had my way I would take every single clothes hanger in the house and throw them out, and replace them with completely identical, brand new clothes hangers, so that the clothes hangers in my entire house would all be the same. (We call this "standardization" and really it's a tremendous efficiency.) Okay I made that up. I think I want to do that for two reasons:

1. There's absolutely no good reason to have two hundred hangers, 194 of which are different from one another in size, shape, color, or chemical composition.

2. If I can't control anything meaningful in my life, like the weather, or whether the recycling people will take all of the recyclables or leave certain ones behind for whatever unfathomable reason, or my career, well then I'll control some small, meaningless, insignificant part of my life, like what the hangers look like.

Are your hangers the same? If not, you can commiserate in the comments. If so, email me directly and tell me your secret.

Posted by Carl at 4:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)